


Never The Right Time

by reckless_wild_youth



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff and Angst, My First Fanfic, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-06-10 15:42:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 41,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6962932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reckless_wild_youth/pseuds/reckless_wild_youth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexa and Clarke have been best friends since they were children. Until it comes to the point that both girls want more than just a friendship. And deep down, they know they are meant for each other. And they just know they want to be together. But they can't seem to find the right time. In fact, timing has never been on their side.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Christmas Tradition

**Author's Note:**

> First attempt at a fic! Rambled on a lot, and I've only written a few chapters. No idea if this is going to fly, but I guess if people like it, I'll continue. Comments much appreciated! Be kind, my dears!

“Make sure this one behaves while I’m away, okay?” Costia tells Clarke as she’s wrapped Lexa up in a hug. 

“Of course I will! It’s not like you’ll be gone long, Cos. It’s just the Christmas break” Clarke laughs, as she fondly looks at the new couple. “It’s pretty much tradition that she’s with the family during the holidays, so don’t worry about it.” 

Lexa groans as she hugs Costia tightly around the waste. “Ugh, I can’t believe you’re going somewhere where we’re not even sure if we can contact each other on Christmas day.” 

“The family has this whole thing about ‘disconnecting from the world!’ and ‘spend time with each other’ business, I have no choice” Costia whispers into Lexa’s ear. “Don’t worry, I’ll be back before you know it. Plus you can have lots of girl time with Clarke! It’ll be fine.” 

“Fine. But I still wish I could at least talk to you on Christmas.” 

“I’ll do my best, babe.” 

Lexa and Costia say their final goodbyes before Costia enters the airport to board her flight and spend Christmas break with her family, leaving Lexa back home alone. 

Well, Lexa really won’t be alone. She’ll be with friends, but still, she wishes she could spend the holidays with her new girlfriend. 

On the birightside though, Christmas is still her favorite holiday, and getting to spend it again with Clarke, her best friend since she was in kindergarten, makes everything okay again. 

By the time they get back to Clarke’s house, Lexa feels a little better, excited even. She’s spent Christmas with the Griffin’s for over two decades already, and she’s never had a dull moment with them. Their holidays are normally filled with baking cookies that Abby gives out as presents to the neighbors, going on a Christmas Tree Expeditions in search of the best Christmas Tree they can find, spending an entire evening decorating said Christmas tree, shopping for presents, and of course lots and lots of laughter, love, and hugs. 

As they enter the house that smells of freshly baked goodies and she’s swept up in a hug by both Jake and Abby at the same time, Lexa knows this Christmas is going to be as great as the last one. 

\--

It’s nearing the end of Christmas day, and the two friends are lying down on Clarke’s bed watching Love Actually. They watch this every year on Christmas Day, no fail. 

Lexa is on her back, propped up on a pillow with her arm around Clarke. She absentmindedly strokes Clarke’s arm as they watch. Clarke is curled up, head resting on Lexa’s chest, arm comfortably resting on Lexa’s waist. They’ve always been this close to each other as best friends, both of them being very touchy-feely, and a lot of other people have actually mistaken them for a couple. They normally just laugh off comments like that, but in recent years, although they’ve never admitted it to each other, both girls find themselves feeling something strange in the pit of their stomachs every time someone points that out to them. 

“Still the best Christmas movie, in my opinion” Lexa says as the credits roll. 

“Yeah, and it really never gets old, does it?” Clarke laughs, and unconsciously nestles herself further into Lexa, suddenly feeling sleepy. It’s almost midnight, and Clarke is tired from the day’s festivities. 

They fall silent and stay still for a while – Lexa still stroking Clarke’s arm, Clarke still hanging on to Lexa’s waist. They spent the day with Clarke’s parents, Abby and Jake, like how they normally spend Christmas. Coffee and pancakes in the morning, in the middle of opening presents from each other. A hearty lunch while playing an array of board games – Lexa and Clarke versus Abby and Jake for some, Lexa and Jake versus Clarke and Abby for others. Lexa loves Clarke’s parents, they’re really the closest thing she’s ever had to a family, and the older married couple loves Lexa as if she was their own daughter too. After dinner, everyone was stuffed to their limit on turkey, Christmas pudding, and of course on alcohol. 

Abby and Jake went to bed at around 10PM, and feeling extremely buzzed, Clarke and Lexa went up to Clarke’s room to watch the movie, bringing with them the unfinished bottle of wine which they had emptied by the time the movie ended. 

Remembering the day, Clarke smiles to herself. If she were honest, she’s glad that Costia had to leave for Christmas. She was dreading the thought of not spending Christmas with Lexa. After years of celebrating it just like how they did, it would have definitely been weird if things were just suddenly different. 

At least that’s what she told herself when she wondered why it was so important for her to have Lexa at their house for Christmas. She tried to convince herself that it’s just because Lexa was her best friend, technically family, and didn’t want to change tradition. 

Yeah, that was it, she thought. It had nothing to do with how recently, she couldn’t stop thinking of her best friend, or how she wanted to spend almost all day with her, or how her heart races when their fingers brush, or they hug, or when they give each other kisses on the cheek. It had nothing to do with all those… right? 

How they were lying down right now wasn’t really helping Clarke convince herself that she wasn’t developing feelings for Lexa. She suddenly felt very vulnerable and wanted to run away. But for some reason, must have been the alcohol, she found herself talking. 

“You had a good time, right?” Clarke asks quietly, as if afraid to hear the answer. 

Lexa, who was deep in her own thoughts, didn’t answer right away. 

Lexa knew she was buzzed, and she knew that being buzzed made her much more prone to sharing and being honest about her deepest feelings. She just wasn’t sure if she was ready to share this particular set of feelings… these feelings that she knows have been there since pretty much forever, but has been too afraid to acknowledge them. 

She wanted to scream at the top of her lungs that she did, she did have a good time, that she didn’t want to spend her Christmas any other way, that she wanted to spend Christmas with Clarke and her family forever, that she wanted to be with Clarke, that she was it for her. 

“Yeah, of course I did.” Lexa answered in a whisper, trying to hide the twinge of pain in her voice. 

“Even if Costia isn’t here?” 

Lexa wasn’t prepared for that question. She tried her best to swallow everything she wanted to say, tried to swallow the truth. But she couldn’t. 

“Honestly, I was kinda glad that she couldn’t stay. Before she told me she was leaving, I was stressing out about the holidays because I didn’t know what I would do. I knew she would want to spend it with me, but I felt bad because…” 

Lexa pauses, a little too long that Clarke has to speak.

“Because?” 

“Because… I really just wanted to spend it with you. And Abby and Jake. Just like how we always spend Christmas, you know? I don’t think I was ready for it to change.” Lexa said, and after a short while she added “I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that to change.” 

There was so much that Lexa was trying to convey with that response, she was in a way opening herself up to Clarke in that moment, and she wished that Clarke understood. 

Clarke shifted and moved herself so that her head was sharing the pillow that Lexa was lying down on. They were now lying on their sides, facing each other, eyes locked. 

“I know.” And Clarke did know. Clarke was surprised with Lexa’s response. But she understood, because that’s exactly what she was feeling. And she suddenly felt hopeful. 

“Clarke…” Lexa whispers, green eyes never leaving blue. And before she can stop herself, her hand moves to brush away a strand of hair on Clarke’s face, and ends up cupping Clarke’s cheek. She knew she was courageous because of the alcohol, but she just wanted to be honest to herself and to Clarke for once in her life. 

It’s not like they never said this to each other before. In fact, Lexa can’t remember a time when they didn’t say it to each other on a regular basis. They were the best of friends, of course they did. But this time, Lexa knew that this was different. 

“I love you.” Lexa said, matter of factly.

“I know.” 

“Do you?” 

“Do I what?” 

“Clarke…” Lexa whispers again, and she’s surprised to find them so close, noses almost touching. She can feel Clarke’s breathe on her lips, she feels it hitch as she moves a little closer still. Their lips are practically touching. 

And Clarke doesn’t move away. Her heart is racing, she’s sure her palms are sweaty, she can’t breathe. But Lexa is right here, in front of her, so close, she can’t pull away. She doesn’t want to. 

Their lips are hovering around each other, so close to be almost touching, but not quite yet. They’re practically breathing each other in, and one of them could easily close the gap. 

Clarke can’t seem to pull away. She doesn’t want to. 

But she has to. 

“Lexa…” Clarke starts, her hand reaching up to Lexa’s wrist, holding it in place, using it as something to steady herself as she speaks. She can feel Lexa’s pulse, it’s faster than normal. 

“You’re with Costia.” 

At that, Lexa stills, closing her eyes for a good minute. When she opens them again, they are glistening with tears that she won’t let fall. Lexa feels her heart breaking slowly. She thought there was a chance that Clarke felt the same way. She felt defeated. And embarrassed. 

“I’m with Costia” Lexa sighs into Clarke’s lips. “I’m… I’m with Costia.” Lexa continues, telling Clarke, but really talking to herself, reminding herself. 

“Yes,” Clarke speaks slowly, so her voice doesn’t break along with her heart. “Yes, you are.” 

“I’m sorry.” Lexa says suddenly, letting go of Clarke’s face and moving to get off the bed. 

But Clarke holds her in place.

“Wait, Lex, it’s okay. Please… Please stay.” Clarke says gently. “It’s… It’s tradition that we end Christmas together right? We always end up falling asleep in a hug. Can we not change that just yet?” 

And again, Lexa feels like she’s being punched in the gut. But she sighs, and sinks back into bed, opening her arms for Clarke to settle into her. She can’t say no. She’s never been able to say no to Clarke. 

“I’m sorry.” Lexa says into Clarke’s hair, barely audible. 

“It’s okay, Lex. I swear. I’m sorry too.” Clarke responds. 

They stay like that a while, in each other’s arms, holding on, afraid to let go. Afraid that if they do, they might lose each other for good. Clarke can feel Lexa’s breath steadying, a sign that she’s about to fall asleep. But there’s something that Clarke still needs to say. 

“Lex?” 

“Hmm?” is Lexa’s response, obviously almost asleep, but squeezing a little tighter to show Clarke she’s listening. 

“I love you.” Clarke says, matter of factly. She needs Lexa to understand. 

“I know.” 

“Do you?” 

And Lexa doesn’t respond, her breath slow and steady. 

Clarke sighs, shifts her head just a little, and plants a soft but long kiss on Lexa’s jaw, and whispers again, “I love you.” 

In seconds, she herself falls asleep, exhausted. 

Clarke doesn’t feel then the soft but long kiss that Lexa plants on her head. And she doesn’t hear Lexa’s response “I know, Clarke. I know.” 

Timing was never on their side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? :P


	2. New Year's Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's New Year, you obviously get a New Year's kiss, right?

It was New Year's Eve. 

 

The club was packed, as expected, but Clarke, Raven, and their other friends occupied their usual spot – a half-moon couch around a long table, by the back of the club, a few steps away from the bar. Being so close to all the drinks, everyone was pretty much drunk by 11:45PM. Octavia was straddling Lincoln in a major make-out session obviously unable to wait for the ball to drop, Bellamy, Jasper, and Monty were having a competition on who could down the most shots in 5 minutes, Clarke, Raven and Anya were in the middle having a very drunken conversation, and right beside Clarke, Lexa and Costia were watching the crowd, enjoying the music. 

 

“He’s giving you a look, just walk up to him already” Raven slurred as she pointed to the older guy at the other end of the room. 

Clarke and Anya follow Raven’s finger and they see Finn. Clarke meets eyes with him and she knew she was drunk because when Finn winked at her, she gave him her flirtiest wave and broke into a fit of laughter with Raven. 

“Go for it, Griffin!” Anya says playfully before taking another swig from her drink. 

“He is giving me a look” Clarke managed to say in between her breathes.

“Well?” Raven asks. Clarke is drunk, but not too drunk to notice that Raven and Anya seem to be getting along really well. This is probably why Raven really wants Clarke to go and talk to Finn, so that she and Anya can have their own flirty conversation. Clarke was too drunk though to tease Raven about it though, so she doesn’t say anything. 

“Just go!” Raven says at she looks at her friend like she’s stupid, and gives Clarke a push that causes the blonde to shove Lexa in the process. 

“Oh, sorry Lex!” Clarke laughs as she stands up. 

“It’s fine” Lexa answers with a worried look as she sees just how drunk Clarke is. “Are you okay?” 

“Oh I’m amazing! I’m about to seal a New Year’s kiss for me”, she winks as she gets up and walks to Finn. 

“Oh” was all Lexa could get out as she watched her best friend saunter over to the other end of the bar to obviously flirt with the upperclassman. 

Costia currently had an arm around her, and they were holding hands, but she felt this pain in her chest as she watched her best friend walk away. 

It was stupid. She can’t even really pinpoint when she started feeling this way for her best friend. She didn’t want herself to feel this way. But in the recent months, heck probably even in the recent years, she noticed something change. Yes, she did get into a relationship with Costia, because the girl was in fact great. Costia was sweet and caring, and was supportive of Lexa and her dreams of becoming a Lawyer. But, even in the beginning, Lexa knew that it was different – it wasn’t enough. She wanted something more. 

She wanted Clarke. 

She just was never sure if Clarke ever felt the same way. 

It was stupid of her to feel hurt – to feel jealous – upon hearing that Clarke was looking for a New Year’s kiss. She was obviously going to get one from her girlfriend, but she couldn’t deny the fact that somewhere deep down, she wanted to share that night’s kiss with someone else. She couldn’t lie to herself anymore. She wanted her New Year’s kiss to be with Clarke. 

“You’re best friend is the funniest drunk ever” Costia giggles as she nips at Lexa’s ear, snapping Lexa out of her own thoughts. 

“Huh? Oh.. yeah, she’s always been a flirty drunk, it’s fun to watch.” Lexa replies as she sips her drink to steady her voice. 

“You’re cute when you’re drunk” Costia whispers, giving Lexa a quick peck on her neck. 

“I am now” Lexa laughs. “You’d never want to see me full on drunk.” 

The crowd suddenly goes wild. The DJ announces the countdown. 

TEN…

“New Year’s kiss, babe” Costia grins as she stands up and pulls Lexa with her, wrapping her hands around Lexa’s waist. 

Lexa tries to give Costia her warmest smile as she holds onto Costia’s elbows. 

NINE… 

Lexa’s eyes scan the room, and no matter how bright the lights are, or how fast the people are moving, she finds those blue eyes at once. 

EIGHT… 

The blue eyes are locked on hers as well, and Clarke gives her a small nod and mouths Happy New Year. Lexa swears she can see a hint of sadness in Clarke’s eyes. 

SEVEN…

Lexa mouths Happy New Year back. She wiggles her eyebrows at Clarke, encouraging her to give Finn the kiss. She hopes she looks sincere and supportive, even if deep down, it’s killing her that she’s pushing her friend to get that kiss. 

SIX… 

Costia lifts her hand to trace Lexa’s cheek. Lexa looks away from Clarke and looks into Costia’s eyes. All she can see in her girlfriend’s eyes is genuine admiration, genuine care, and this hurts her even more because she knows she can never give Costia the same. 

FIVE… 

Lexa smiles, and slowly moves her hand to the back of Costia’s neck. 

FOUR… 

Lexa sees Costia lean in, slowly closing her eyes. Lexa takes this opportunity to look back in Clarke’s direction. Clarke is on her tiptoes, moving to meet Finn’s lips as he leans in slowly. 

THREE… 

From across the room, green meets blue. Lexa and Clarke share another look, a slight nod of the head, sad eyes, even sadder smiles. 

TWO… 

Lexa sees Clarke break eye contact first, and Lexa sees Clarke and Finn share their kiss. 

ONE… 

Just in time, Lexa looks away, leans into Costia, and gives her girlfriend the kiss she wants to give her best friend. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

The club explodes as everybody cheers. Kisses and hugs are shared, glasses and bottles are raised in the air as everyone clinks their drinks with whoever is beside them. 

“Happy new year” Costia whispers into Lexa’s lips, smiling and giving her another quick kiss before pulling Lexa into a hug. 

“Happy new year, Cos” Lexa answers as she hugs her girlfriend, all the while her eyes are back onto Clarke’s. And she’s surprised when Clarke’s eyes are on her as well, as the blonde hugs Finn. 

They stay staring at each other for a while as they hug their dates. Both eyes trying to convey what they’re feeling deep down. Both eyes trying to express the immense love that they feel for one another. 

“I know” Lexa mouths to Clarke. 

And she smiles when Clarke mouths back, “I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are there any other fans of a Raven/Anya relationship? I loved it when I read fellow a03 user artsypolarbear's fics that included Ranya love, so I'm planning to include that too if I continue this. 
> 
> But here's a little more holiday er, hurt, for you guys. Even if it is May lolz. Would appreciate the comments and kudos! Thanks bbz!!


	3. Rooftops and City Lights

It’s an hour into the New Year, and the club was as alive as ever. It was hotter, the partygoers were drunker, and almost every other couple was either grinding on the dance floor or making out. 

Lexa is still at the table nursing another drink that Costia has given her. It’s been a while and she notices that Clarke hasn’t been back to their table since she left to meet up with Finn. 

She looks back to where she last saw them, she sees Finn taking a swig of his beer, but Clarke is nowhere near him. She scans the room a few times. Clarke isn’t anywhere in sight. She’s beginning to worry about where Clarke might be, but then she remembers, and smiles to herself. 

“I’ll just go to the bathroom then get some air, kay?” She tells Costia, leaning in so her girlfriend can hear. 

“Let me go with you” Costia slurs, attempting to stand. 

“It’s fine. Stay. You’re too drunk to drag around” Lexa replies playfully, assuring Costia she’s okay. “I’ll be back in a bit.” 

“Mmkay” Costia answers, slumping back down on her chair and grabbing another shot. 

Lexa smiles, and starts walking. Instead of heading to the restroom, she heads to the backdoor, leading to the stairs. Lexa and Clarke have been going to this club for a while now, and since they knew the owner, they always had access to get to the rooftop. 

She pushes the door open and immediately sees the blonde by the railing at the edge of the roof, looking out into the city. Her blonde hair is shining in the moonlight. Lexa stands by the door for a while, taking in the sight of the gorgeous woman in front of her, before she walks forward.

Lexa notices Clarke doesn’t even flinch when she stands beside her, as if Clarke knew she was coming all along.

“Hey you.” Lexa says after a while, cautiously looking at Clarke. 

“Please don’t.” Clarke sighs, running her hands over her face, then her hair. “Just. Don’t.” 

Lexa takes a small step back, shocked at the response. She’s confused. She knows Clarke is drunk, she can see it in the way the girl is standing. But she doesn’t understand where this is coming from. 

“Don’t what? Clarke…” Lexa reaches out, brushing Clarke’s arm. Lexa feels Clarke flinch at the contact. “Clarke. Talk to me.” 

“It’s just…”

“What? You can tell me” 

Clarke stays quiet and Lexa can see Clarke thinking hard about something, her nose scrunched, brows furrowed. 

Clarke contemplates whether or not she wants to say what she really feels. She wants to tell Lexa how much it hurts to see her with Costia, how much it hurts her every single time Lexa is near her because she knows they aren’t anything more than best friends. She wants to tell Lexa that she is always on the verge of bursting at the seams when they are together. That Lexa makes her the happiest person in the world, but how afraid she is at the reality that Lexa can also break her. She wants to tell Lexa that she is broken. 

 

Instead, Clarke just says “It’s… It’s nothing. Sorry, I’m just really tired.” Clark sighs before she takes a sip from the drink she’s holding. 

“Clarke?” 

“I’m good, don’t worry.” Clarke says after a while, and places a hand over Lexa’s. “I promise.” She ends with a soft smile. 

Lexa knows Clarke isn’t telling her everything, but she decides not to push further. She takes a sip of her drink, and faces the city again. 

“So, you and Finn?” 

Clarke chuckles a little “I don’t even know. I just… didn’t want to be left alone on New Year’s with no one to kiss.” 

Lexa didn’t really know what to answer to that, so she ended up blurting out the first question she could think of. 

“Was he any good?” 

Clarke, genuinely taken aback by the question, bursts out laughing, and because of all the alcohol, she can’t seem to stop. Lexa ended up laughing as well, with Clarke’s laugh being so infectious. The two best friends are in a fit of laughter for a good 5 minutes before they finally regain their composure. 

“Well?” Lexa asked, wiping the tears in her eyes from laughing so hard.

“I guess so? It was a regular kiss, nothing special. No sparks. But he seems like a nice guy. He asked me out to dinner sometime next week.” 

“Did you say yes?” 

“Yeah, I did. It’s just dinner, though. I guess we’ll just see how it goes.” 

“I’m expecting a detailed account of that date when you get back!” 

Clarke laughs “You got it!” She raises her glass, and Lexa toasts her to it. 

They stand in silence for a bit. “You and Costia look like you’re doing good, yeah?” 

“Yeah.” Lexa responds quietly. “She’s… she’s great. I’m glad she could come back for this party so she gets to meet everyone.” 

“Everyone has wanted to meet her. I’m pretty sure Jasper has a secret crush on her already and is cursing the world that she’s gay.” Clarke says with a smirk. 

“Jasper has a crush on EVERYONE, Clarke. He’s pretty much had a crush on every single girl in our circle of friends, I’m not surprised!” Lexa laughs. 

“Ah, touche! That is true! Well, for what it’s worth, I’m happy for you, Lex.” Clarke says, facing the girl and giving her a soft smile. 

Lexa smiles back. “Thanks Clarke. That means a lot.” 

They stare at each other for a while, in the middle of the rooftop, underneath the stars, on the first day of the New Year. Both eyes are staring, searching, longing. Both eyes are conveying everything they can’t seem to say. 

“Lexa?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Thanks.” 

“For what?” 

“Still keeping to tradition and welcoming the New Year with me, even if we are about an hour late.” 

Lexa smiles and is relieved that Clarke remembers. She and Clarke have welcomed the New Year together since they were kids. And since they were old enough to go the club, they’ve welcomed it together on the roof, watching the fireworks light up the entire city. They missed the fireworks this year, but that doesn’t matter. All that matters is that they found themselves together again. They found each other on this rooftop, staring into the city that is so alive and bright. They get to keep to tradition, even if everything around them seems to be changing 

“Why do you think I came up here? I was looking for you because I was going to head up to the roof, and when I saw you weren’t anywhere in the club anymore, I knew where you’d gone.” 

“I just thought…” 

“Thought what?” 

“That you know, since you have someone.” Clarke’s thoughts trail off. 

“That I would forget? Forget tradition? Forget you?” Lexa says before she can stop herself. “I would never, Clarke.” 

Lexa swears she can see tears building up in Clarke’s eyes. She takes a small step forward. 

Clarke nods, looks up to the sky to fight back the tears, then looks at Lexa. “I know.” Clarke takes a deep breath before speaking again. “I would never forget either.” 

They hold each other’s gazes again, eyes sometimes flickering to each other’s lips. 

Lexa is about to take another small step forward when a gust of wind causes a piece of loose metal to bang on the water tank at the far end of the rooftop, causing both of them to jump and break eye contact. 

At the sound, Clarke clears her throat. 

“Uhm, I guess we should head back down before anyone starts to wonder where we are.” 

Lexa nods, “Yeah, let’s do it,” and she comfortably falls into step beside Clarke. 

“Hey by the way, have you noticed the looks that Raven and your cousin Anya have been giving each other all night? I feel like they’re going to jump each other soon!” Clarke asks, as she opens the door and lets Lexa pass through. 

“Who hasn’t! It’s pretty obvious they find each other attractive.” Lexa laughs as she heads for the stairs. “I kinda hope they get together. I think they would actually fit really well with each other.” 

“I’ll get deets from Rave, you talk to Anya, then let’s discuss after. Deal?” Clarke winks and extends her hand. 

“Deal!” Lexa smirks and reciprocates the hand shake. 

At that, they both re-enter the club, heading for the table to enjoy the rest of the night with their circle of friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos appreciated, bbz! Especially if they're constructive! xoxo  
> our-reckless-wild-youth.tumblr.com


	4. Pancakes, Grease, and Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's nothing like a good heavy breakfast with your best friends to cure a hangover!

Clarke groans as she stirs awake, the sunlight coming through her window waking up earlier than she would like. 

“Fuck.” Her head is pounding. She has a bad hangover from all the drinks she had the night before at the club. She props herself up on her elbow and checks the bed across her. She sees Raven flat on her stomach, messy hair, and drooling. 

Clarke laughs, and annoyed that she’s the only one awake, she grabs a pillow and throws it smack into Raven’s face. 

“Wha—fuck.” Raven reacts. “What time is it?” 

“It’s way too early for me to be the only one awake.” Clarke smirks. “How the hell did we get home?!” 

“Lexa.” 

“What?” 

“Lexa. You know that girl is the one who handles alcohol the best out of all of us.” 

“But what about Costia?” 

“She was passed out in the backseat too, like the rest of us.” Raven laughs, remembering how they all stumbled into Lexa’s car when they had decided to go home.”

“Oh.” Clarke tries to recall the night before. She remembers the rooftop, almost pouring her heart out to Lexa. She remembers going back down to enjoy the party with a few more drinks, then that’s it. 

“What’s up with you, Clarke? You’ve been weird lately.” Raven eyes her room mate. “Is it…” she hesitates. 

“Is it what?” 

“Is it Lexa?” 

“What about her? What do you mean?” 

“Come on, Clarke. You know what I mean.” 

Clarke sighs. She’s opened up to Raven before about what she feels for Lexa. Raven wasn’t shocked at all. In fact, all Raven said was that she was glad Clarke finally figured it out for herself and what was Clarke planning to do about it. That was a few months ago, before any of them found out that Lexa started dating her officemate. 

“Rave, I don’t know. I don’t know anymore honestly. It’s just getting more and more difficult to be around her.” 

Raven gives her a sad smile. “I wish Lexa would open her eyes. And finally admit to herself that she has feelings for you too.” 

“No she doesn’t.” 

“Yes. Yes she does, Clarke! You’re as blind as her! Honestly, the tension that fills the room when you two are in it? Jeez.” Raven shakes her head. “You told me about what happened during Christmas. Isn’t that an indication that she feels at least something?” 

“I guess? I don’t know. If she does, then why is she still with Costia?” 

“Who knows. Maybe it’s because you haven’t opened up to her at all? You haven’t been giving her hints? Or you have, but she’s just dense?” Raven gets up and grabs two bottles of water from the mini-fridge in their room, handing the other one to Clarke, before sitting back down on her bed and taking big gulps. 

“It’s just… The timing is never right.” 

“Excuses.” Raven sighs. 

“Raven.” 

“Never mind. Just, when the timing is right, say something already okay? It’s not easy seeing you two dance around each other. But anyway, any news on your application to that internship in Seattle?” 

Clarke finishes her water before replying. “Nothing yet. But I just sent it last week. It’s still technically the holiday break so they probably haven’t looked through their mail yet.” 

“Are you going to take it?” 

“I don’t even know if I’m in.” 

“You’ll get it. Will you?” 

“I guess so. It’s a great opportunity, Raven. I don’t want to pass it up. I contemplated not going for it actually, when I wanted to try it out with Lexa. But now, I think leaving for a while might actually be good for me.” 

Raven gives her a sad smile. “You should go. It will be good for you. And you’ll learn so much! It’ll be great. You better find a place there that has at least a bed for me, okay?” 

“I haven’t even left yet!” Clarke laughs. 

“Clarke!” Raven says, with a stern look in her eye. 

“Fine. Yes, of course I will make sure my place has a bed for you when you visit. Which will be all the time, okay? Unless…” Clarke smirks. 

“Unless?” 

“There’s someone here that will make it harder for you to visit often?” Clarke says, giving Raven a wink. 

“What the fuck are you talking about?” 

“You and Anya.” 

Clarke lets out a loud laugh when Raven obviously stiffens and a blushes. 

“I knew it! Details, Reyes!” Clarke insists, moving over to lie down on Raven’s bed. 

Raven bury’s her face in her pillow and let’s out a long groan. “We’ve known her for as long as we’ve known Lexa. But I just noticed her recently too. That girl is fucking hot, Clarke. And not just that but she’s funny, and smart, and witty, and dammit, I don’t know!” Raven throws her hands up and falls back into bed. 

“You’ve got it bad.” Clarke chuckles. 

“Yeah, I do.” And Raven joins in the fit of giggles. 

“Come on, let’s get breakfast. It’s our last free day before you have to go back to teaching all the nerdy Engineering students, and I go back long hours of hospital duty.” Clarke grabs Raven and drags her off the bed. “You can tell me more about how you’re falling head over heels for Anya.”

“I’m coming, I’m coming!” 

“I’m sure you will be once you guys get into bed” Clarke laughs, running forward to avoid the pillow that Raven just threw at her. 

\-----

In the middle of stuffing themselves with pancakes, waffles, and lots of bacon, Raven and Clarke are joined by an extremely hungover Octavia. 

Octavia sits down without bothering to remove her shades and grabs Clarke’s cup of coffee and takes a huge gulp. 

“Good morning to you, sunshine.” Clarke laughs as she signals the waitress for another mug. 

“Unngggg” is all Octavia can manage before she slumps forward on her arms. 

“How did you get here?” Raven asks with her mouthful. 

“Lincoln dropped me off.” 

Clarke and Raven’s eyes widened. 

“LINCOLN?” The two friends shout at the same time. 

“Shhh!” 

Raven whispers “You spent the night with Lincoln?!” 

“So what if I did?” 

Raven and Clarke look at each other then back to Octavia with wide grins. 

“AND? Details, O. We want all the dirty details!” Clarke says excitedly. 

“Can we not discuss it here?” Octavia answers, finally lifting her head to reveal a small grin on her face. 

“Ugh, fine.” Clarke says. 

But Raven interjects immediately. “No! Wait, I’ll just ask some questions and you only need to answer with one word.” 

“Fine. What?” 

“Sex?” 

Octavia doesn't say anything. 

"O?!" 

"Fine! Yes, sex." She can't help the small grin that's forming on her lips. 

“Size?” 

Octavia laughs, shaking her head, before she answers “It was perfect.” She starts giggling. 

Raven has a huge grin now, “How many rounds did you go for?!” 

“Five.” 

“FIVE?” Clarke finally joins in on the conversation. 

“Yup.” 

“And you came every time?!” 

Octavia shoves her shades up onto the top of her head, plants her hands down on the table before she says “Every. Single. Time.” 

The three friends burst into laughter, and Raven gives Octavia a high five. 

“Happy for you, O! Are you going to see him again?” 

“Yeah. He’s… He’s amazing. I really really like him.” 

Clarke smiles. She’s happy for Octavia. She’s always been in her brother’s shadow and has never seemed to know who she really is. Maybe Lincoln can help her find herself and come out of her shell. 

“We should quadruple date, guys!” Raven suddenly exclaims. 

“Eh?” is all Clarke can manage as a reaction. 

“Yeah! Lincoln and O, Lexa and Costia, you and Finn, Anya and I!” 

Octavia almost chokes on her coffee. “Wait. Shut the front door. You and Anya?” 

“Well, I hope there's a me and Anya. That’s what the date is for!” 

“She’s got it bad, O. Like seriously bad for Anya.” 

Octavia starts laughing. “But wait, you and Finn too? When did that happen?” 

“There’s no me and Finn! We just shared a new year’s kiss last night, that’s it.” 

“He asked you out!” Raven pipes. 

Octavia raises her eyebrows at Clarke. 

“Fine, he asked me out and I said yes.” 

Octavia doesn't say anything for a while as she eyes Clarke. 

“But what about Lexa?” Octavia finally asks, her voice now laced in concern. 

Clarke shrugs “She’s with Costia. She’s not into me at all, and I’m not about to ruin her relationship just because I’m sad or whatever.” 

Clarke takes another gulp of coffee and doesn't see Octavia and Raven roll their eyes and share a knowing look.

“Fine, let’s set that quadruple date. It’ll be fun. I’ll give Finn a call.” 

“Yes! That’s the spirit, Griffin!” Raven raises her mug, and the three girls follow her lead and they clink their glasses. 

They spend the rest of the morning finishing their food and talking about all the stupid and funny things they witnessed the previous night at the party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on a vacation right now giving me lots of time to write!  
> I enjoyed this one a lot because of how open the three friends are with each other over almost everything! Cuties. 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy this one! Again, comments and kudos appreciated!
> 
> http://our-reckless-wild-youth.tumblr.com/


	5. Date Night, Failed Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometime's everyone just needs space, right?

It takes everyone a few weeks before they can finally agree on a schedule for the quadruple date that Raven wanted. 

Raven is swamped with papers and projects to grade when school starts again, while Anya can’t seem to get a break from her residency at the hospital. Lincoln, after having recently opened a bar, has to stay most nights to make sure things are running smoothly, while Octavia is stuck working the night shift at a security firm she just recently joined. Lexa and Costia were handed a big case for their firm that they have to spend most nights in their office, surrounded by heap loads of books and papers as they compile all their research for the Senior Partner. Clarke, who works as an intern in the same hospital as Anya, has had the busiest schedule as an intern. Finn is practically the one who has the most free time. Even if he was a year ahead of all of them in college, he hasn’t been that lucky in the working world and has been in and out of odd jobs. 

They agree on a February week night, a few days before Valentine’s. Raven insists to call it a pre-Valentine’s get together for everyone, making it extremely awkward for Clarke since she doesn’t really want to pursue anything with Finn. 

On the night of the dinner, Clarke is running late and she’s out of breath when she enters the restaurant. She weaves her way through other diners and arrives at the round table with her friends. They are already seated, so Clarke takes the empty seat beside Finn. It’s only when she’s seated that she notices the only other empty seat is between her and Costia, and that Lexa is the only one who hasn’t arrived yet. 

Costia notices Clarke looking at the empty seat and answers before Clarke can even ask. “She’s just finishing something up. She asked me to go ahead because everyone might think we weren’t going to show if we were both late,” she adds with a smile. 

“Oh, okay, great.” Is all Clarke can manage. She hopes no one notices how she stiffens a little when she realizes she’s going to have to spend this entire pre-Valentine’s dinner beside the woman she secretly has intense feelings for. She glances at Octavia and Raven, who both have their eyes on Clarke. She gives them a small nod as if to say it’s fine, then turns her attention to Finn.

“Hey, glad you could make it.” She says and gives him a quick kiss on the cheek. 

“Sure. I filled in for a friend but got off early, so it’s no problem.” He answers, flashing her a smile. 

Clarke nods, and they fall into very awkward silence. Clarke looks quickly at Raven, eyes begging for her to say something to make it less awkward. Luckily Raven gets the cue. 

“Uhm, excuse me!” Raven calls out to a waiter passing by. “Can we get a round of cocktails, please? Maybe Whiskey sours for the guys and Amaretto sours for the girls?” Raven looks at everyone at the table, and when she gets nods of approval from everyone, she looks back at the waiter to confirm their order. “Thanks, that’s all for now, I guess. We’ll look through the menu first before we order food.” The waiter hands everyone a menu before he leaves to get the cocktails. 

Everyone busies themselves as they figure out what they want to eat. When the waiter comes back with their drinks, he takes everyone’s order one by one. When he reaches Costia, she orders first for herself, then orders a fancy fish dish for Lexa. 

Before she can stop herself, Clarke blurts out “She doesn’t like salmon. She prefers roast chicken, if there’s any?” 

Before Costia can react, Lexa walks in, taking off her jacket and taking the empty seat. She’s out of breath. 

“Sorry, sorry, I got here as fast as I could. Are we ordering?” Lexa asks before noticing her girlfriend and leaning in to give her a quick kiss on the lips. 

“Hey.” 

“Hey. We’re just about to order. I was gonna order you the salmon but…” 

Lexa makes a face at the mention “Oh, I haven’t had salmon since that salmon incident a few years back.” She faces the waiter “I’ll have the roast chicken with herbs, please,” she ends with a smile. 

Lexa doesn’t notice the shocked look on everyone’s faces, or the way that Costia’s eyes widen, or the tiny grin that spreads across Clarke’s face for a few seconds. 

\--

It’s later on in the evening. The rest of their dinner has gone on without a hitch, everyone getting a long quite well. The waiter has just cleared the last of their plates and served them their fourth, maybe fifth round of drinks. By this time, everyone is tipsy on the verge of being full on drunk. Octavia has her legs on Lincoln’s lap as they are sharing quiet kisses. Raven and Anya are obviously already holding hands and most likely playing footsie while their heads are close together having hushed conversations. Finn and Clarke aren’t really talking much. They can’t seem to find anything to talk about, but have been polite and using the time to get to know each other a little better. It isn’t helping that Clarke is distracted by Lexa who sits strangely close to her, their fingers brushing each other once in a while when they both reach for their drinks. 

Finn checks his watch and curses under his breath. “Sorry, I need to head out. I promised a friend I’d catch his birthday party and I’m late.” 

Clarke tries to hold the relief she has when he says this. “Oh, that’s okay, no worries.” 

“Do you want to join me?” 

“I’d love to, but I have an early morning shift tomorrow, and I think I’ve had my limit on drinks tonight.” Clarke smiles.   
“Okay. I’ll call you.” Finn tells Clarke, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek before excusing himself from the group. 

As everyone waves their goodbyes to Finn, Costia lets everyone know she has to leave as well. 

“Really?” Lexa asks. 

“Yeah babe,” Costia leans down to give her a quick kiss. “Since you stayed to finish the case digest, I got assigned to attend that hearing tomorrow, remember?” 

“Oh right. I’m sorry. I’ll head out with you, I can take you home.” Lexa says, moving to get up. 

Costia puts a hand on her shoulder. Lexa swears she can see a hint of sadness in her girlfriend’s eyes. “No it’s okay, you can stay. I know you guys haven’t seen each other in a while, so I don’t mind if you stay longer to catch up.” 

Costia gives everyone a wave as well and heads out the door. 

Octavia and Raven immediately go back to their dates, leaving Clarke and Lexa in a rather awkward silence. To ease the tension she feels, Clarke reaches for her drink, only to notice that Lexa is reaching for hers as well. Their fingers brush, and Clarke immediately retracts her hand. A few seconds later the two friends burst out laughing. 

Clarke adjusts her seat so her body is half towards Lexa, half towards the table. She takes a sip from her drink before whispering “So, Raven and Anya?”

Lexa giggles. “Apparently! Did you get to ask Raven about it?” 

“Yeah. All I can say is, she’s got it bad for your cousin. Like ba-a-ad.” Clarke emphasizes, slurring her words a bit. 

“Oh my God, Anya too! She couldn’t stop talking about her after the New Year’s party, and she was so excited for tonight, she was texting me how nervous she was!” Lexa laughs, remembering the panicked phone call she received earlier from her older cousin. 

“Well, it looks like they’re ready to tear each other’s clothes off right now!” Clarke exclaims, pointing at the two. She then signals the waiter to call for the bill. When it’s been settled, Clarke shouts to the table “Maybe we should call it a night, eh?”, surprising both couples who have been lost in each other. 

Lincoln nods sheepishly then bids everyone goodbye, promising that he’ll make sure to get Octavia home safe. Octavia gets up and winks at the Clarke and Raven before taking Lincoln’s hand and walking out. 

Raven and Anya stand up next, with embarrassed grins.

“I’m.. I’m gonna bring this one home.” Anya points to Raven who looks like she can barely stand. 

Lexa can’t help herself when she replies “Sure you will, An.” She laughs as Anya gives her a glare before she rolls her eyes. 

“Yeah yeah, we’re super into each other! At least we’ve figured it out! Unlike the two of you who are so oblivious to what’s in front of you already” Anya says, slurring slightly as the alcohol hits her. 

Both Clarke and Lexa stiffen. 

“Anyway, we’ll head out. Be safe you two.” Anya says as she drags an almost limp Raven. 

Clarke takes a nervous sip from her drink, while Lexa awkwardly picks at her nails. 

“I was thinking maybe..” Lexa starts. 

At exactly the same time, Clarke says,

“What do you say we..” 

The two nervously laugh. 

“Sorry, go ahead.” Clarke tells Lexa with a smile. 

“I was thinking maybe we can head out too? You have an early day right?” 

“Uh, yeah sure, let’s go.” 

“I’ll walk you home. Your places is on the way to mine anyway. Plus I think I’m a little more sober than you are, so I better make sure you make it to your place safely.” Lexa chuckles as she stands and wears her coat. 

“I could actually use the help because the world is starting to spin.” Clarke admits as she stumbles to get up off her chair. 

“Oookay then, come on, let’s go.” Lexa says, reaching out and taking a hold of Clarke’s arm and looping it with hers. “Just hang on to me if you’re feeling to queasy, kay?” 

“Kay.” Clarke responds, clutching onto Lexa’s forearm. 

They walk arm in arm all the way to Clarke’s apartment. No one really says anything except when Lexa occassionally assure a half drunk Clarke that they’re nearing the building. Lexa does notice though that Clarke stiffens a little half way through their walk, and even if they are arm in arm, has managed to put a little distance between them.

When they arrive, Lexa decides that Clarke is too drunk to make it on her own up the stairs. Clarke doesn’t say anything when Lexa helps her, but starts to protest when they reach the door. 

“I’m good, Lex. Thanks for walking me home.” She says as she fumbles with her bag, searching for her keys. 

“Clarke, just let me help you. I’ll take you in and get you settled just to be sure you’re all right.” 

“I’m fine!” Clarke says, a little more forcefully. “Jesus, Lex.” She finds her keys and opens the door enters, and is ready to slam it before Lexa gets a hand on the door.

“What the fuck, Clarke?” Lexa asks, annoyed at the attitude her best friend is giving her. 

Clarke lets up and just leaves the door, allowing Lexa to follow her in. 

“What? What Lex? Why are you even here?!” Clarke finally says after a while, spinning around. 

Lexa can see the Clarke is definitely drunk. Her eyes are glassy, she’s slurring her words, and she’s swaying a bit as she stands. But she can also tell that Clarke is serious and knows what’s going on. She can see a hint of pain, a hint of sadness in Clarke’s eyes. 

“I walked you home because you’re obviously drunk, Clarke. I wanted to make sure you were home safe! You didn’t say no when I mentioned it earlier.” 

“I thought you would walk me to the door of my building, not up to my room!” 

“What difference does that make?!” Lexa asks, her voice raising as she steps forward. “I’ve been in here before Clarke!” 

“BEFORE. You’ve been in here BEFORE, Lexa. You spent so much of your time here, BEFORE. You practically lived here, BEFORE. But. But you haven’t come by in weeks. I only ever see you when there are special occasions like the holidays, or out to dinners.” Clarke replies, her voice breaking a little. 

Lexa is taken aback by the response. She didn’t expect this at all. She wants to argue, but she can’t. Clarke is right. She hasn’t been by Clarke’s place in a long time. 

“You haven’t been here since you and Costia got together.” Clarke whispers. It’s barely audible, but Lexa hears.

Lexa can feel her heart breaking. Of course that’s what Clarke thinks. Because that’s what Lexa has made her believe is the reason. But really, Lexa stopped coming by even before that. She stopped coming by when she realized she was developing feelings for Clarke. She stopped coming by when it got to be too painful to be in the same room with Clarke and not be able to tell her how she feels. She stopped coming by when it was too painful to be cuddling with Clarke, like how they always did as friends, but be unable to kiss her or touch her. 

Lexa sighs, running a hand through her hair. She takes a step forward to reach out to Clarke who’s leaning against her kitchen counter. 

“Don’t.” 

“Clarke…” Lexa pleads. “Talk to me. What’s wrong?” She knows that’s a stupid question. 

Clarke holds her gaze at Lexa for a few moments. Lexa can see she’s deciding whether or not to continue this conversation or not. Lexa also can’t help but notice that Clarke is holding back tears. 

“Everything, Lex. Everything about this night was wrong. Everything about… Finn. About you and me. Everything about us, is wrong.” Clarke shouts back. 

“What… I don’t understand. Did I do something?” 

“Don’t you get it?” Clarke sounds defeated. “Do I really have to spell it out to you?” Clarke’s voice is softer now. 

“Lexa I…” Clark shakes her head, swallowing what she wanted to say. “You’re still with her.” 

Lexa says nothing. She doesn’t know what to say. 

“I get it.” Clarke continues when Lexa doesn’t speak. “You’re with her. How could you see anything… anyone else? She’s gorgeous. She’s great. Of course you’re with her. I mean, of course you love her. I get it, Lex. But it doesn’t make it any easier.” 

“It doesn’t make what easier, Clarke?” Lexa asks tentatively. She wants to make sure she understands what Clarke is trying to tell her. She thinks she knows, but she wants to be sure. 

“Being around you.” And Lexa is sure she hears Clarke’s voice break… maybe even her heart. 

“Being around you and.. being around you but not being able to actually BE with you. It’s hard to see you with someone else, Lex. Don’t you get it?” Clarke manages to say before a few tears fall. 

Lexa is silent. She can’t believe that she’s hearing Clarke say these things. Clarke feels the same way, Lexa thinks to herself. Lexa can’t believe that Clarke wants to be with her. Lexa wants to answer Clarke and tell her everything she’s feeling. That of course she gets it! She knows exactly what Clarke means by the pain of being around someone she can’t be with, someone she can’t have. She understands completely because that’s exactly how she feels about Clarke. 

“What do you want, Clarke?” is all Lexa can manage. She doesn’t know why she, once again, swallows her feelings. 

“Air.” Clarke answers, and quickly makes her way to the balcony of her room. 

Lexa follows at once, even though she knows Clarke doesn’t want her to. She reaches out to Clarke, and is hurt when she sees Clarke flinch at her touch. 

“Clarke, please.” 

“No. I need air, Lexa. I need to breathe. And I’m not just talking about tonight. I’m talking about every single time I see you. I need air every single time. Because you know what?” Clarke’s voice is rising again as she turns to face Lexa. “I can’t breathe when I see you. I can’t breathe when you’re in the same room. I can’t – I” Clarke is sobbing by this point, her hand is clutching at her chest. But she remains distanced from Lexa. She swallows. “I can’t breathe when you’re near me, Lex. Because every single inch of me just wants to touch you. I want to hold you and kiss you. And I can’t. I just can’t.” 

“You can’t what?” Lexa asks softly. She’s sure she has tears running down her face as well. 

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t act like I’m just your best friend when I know in me I want this” 

she points to Lexa and to herself 

“I want US, to be more. I need space. I don’t know how to be around you anymore if I can’t be with you.” 

Clarke pauses. She takes a deep breath before she says something Lexa doesn’t want to hear. 

“I NEED space from you, Lex.” 

 

Clarke sighs. Obviously out of breath, she sinks to the floor, her elbows on her knees, her hands in her face. Lexa hears the sob that comes out. 

Lexa instinctively tries to catch Clarke as she slides to the floor, but stops herself. Lexa is crying even harder now. She thinks about just walking away, leaving Clarke there because she wants her space. But she’s never been able to leave when Clarke was in pain. She’s never been able to leave Clarke, period. So she slowly makes her way to sit beside Clarke. She wants to say something, to say anything. She wants to admit that she feels exactly the same way. But the only thing she can muster is to say her name. 

“Clarke…” 

And the next thing she knows, Clarke is clinging to her side, face buried in her neck. She can feel the tears running down Clarke’s face, she can feel Clarke’s hands grasping at her body. 

“I’m sorry, Lex. I’m so sorry.” Clarke manages to say in between sobs. “I just… I’m so sorry.” 

“Shhh, it’s okay.” Lexa whispers into the blonde’s hair. She manoeuvres her body so that she can wrap her arms around Clarke, rubbing circles on her back. “It’s okay.” 

They sit like that for a while, Clarke still sobbing, Lexa doing her best to soothe the girl in her arms. 

A few moments later, Lexa feels Clarke relax a little more, her sobs have ceased, and she doesn’t feel tears running down. She gambles and looks down just as Clarke pulls away from her neck to look up. Their eyes meet, but both eyes flicker down to each other’s lips. 

Lexa raises her hand to wipe away at the remaining tears on Clarke’s face. She’s gentle, and she keeps her fingers there, tracing Clarke’s jawline. 

She feels Clarke raise her hand to do the same, and that’s when she realizes she’s still crying. She closes her eyes at Clarke’s touch and takes a few deep breathes. 

Screw it, she thinks to herself. This is the girl I want to be with. So screw it. 

She opens her eyes automatically locking with Clarke's, but also instantly flickers down to her lips. 

As she’s leaning in, she feels Clarke move back. 

“Costia.” 

Lexa freezes, eyes wide open. “What?” 

“Costia. You’re still with Costia, Lex. You’re with her for a reason. You love her. I get that. I’m not going to be the other woman. I’m not going to make you cheat on your girlfriend just because I’m a mess or just because we’re both drunk.” 

“Clarke..” 

“No. I know… I know that deep down you feel it too, even if you’re afraid to show it. I know it’s somewhere in there.” Clarke says as she points a finger to Lexa’s chest. “But until you realize that for yourself, without me having to break down in front of you… we can’t. Until you can admit it to yourself and be honest with yourself that you want to be with me, we can’t.” Clarke replies, slurring almost every other word because of how drunk she actually is. 

Clarke stands up, stumbling a little before gaining back her balance. 

“Let me help you.” Lexa says, getting up as fast as she can. 

Clarke holds out a hand “It’s fine. Really.” 

“Okay” Lexa sighs, defeated. “Clarke…” She whispers. 

“I still need space, Lex.” 

“Oh.” 

“I’m sorry, I just…. It’s too hard” Clarke whispers, her tears on the verge of falling again. She walks back into her apartment. 

Lexa stands outside for a few more minutes, inhaling the cold air. She’s stopped crying, but her heart continues to break. She takes one more deep breath before entering Clarke’s place again. She sees Clarke lying down on the couch. 

“I’m…” Lexa starts. Clarke doesn’t move, but she opens her eyes to show Lexa she’s listening. 

“I’m gonna go.” 

“Okay.” 

Lexa gathers her things and heads for the front door. Her hand is on the doorknob when she turns back to Clarke who is still watching her. 

“I’ll give you all the space you need, Clarke. But just remember I’m always here for you, okay? When you’ve had enough space, I’ll pick up on the first ring.” 

Lexa sees Clarke nod. 

Lexa opens the door and steps out. Before she closes the door, she looks back again. Clarke is still watching her. 

“Clarke, I lo…” 

Clarke interrupts her. 

“I know, Lex. I know.” 

Lexa closes the door and immediately falls to the floor, clamping down on her mouth to stifle the sobs. It takes her a few minutes before she composes herself to get up and go home. 

She doesn’t know that inside, Clarke has buried her head in a pillow to stifle the sobs as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longest chapter I've written so far! Trying to get as many chapters done before I go back to work on Monday, where I'm sure my writing time will lessen. Still unsure how many chapters this will be though! 
> 
> Anyway, sorry for the angst. This is actually a conversation I've imagined having with someone for a really long time, so I just kept at it. 
> 
> Let me know what you guys think! Again, comments much appreciated! Stay tuned too cause the next chapter is a break from the Clexa drama and will mostly be Ranya-centric.


	6. Be Brave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raven and Anya open themselves up to each other, and Raven and Octavia find themselves worrying about Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly a Ranya-centric chapter. The Ranya portion happens simultaneously with the previous chapter. Things tie together by the time the second part of the chapter happens with the three friends.

Anya and Raven exit the restaurant, with Raven clinging onto Anya’s arm, having trouble standing and walking straight. 

“You taking me home?” Raven asks, slurring on her words. 

“You’d like that wouldn’t you?” Anya ask, smirking while raising her eyebrows at Raven. 

“I think you’d like that,” Raven says, winking back. “I mean, who wouldn’t want to take me home?” At that, Raven takes a step forward to try and tease Anya. But instead she ends up tripping, almost dragging Anya down with her. It’s a good thing that Anya isn’t so drunk that she is able to catch Raven before she hurts herself. 

“Okay, I’m going to take you first to my place, kay?” Anya tells Raven. “I don’t think you’ll make it to yours. My apartment is nearer.” 

“Mmkay. You’re cute when you’re serious.” Raven giggles, as she throws her arms around Anya’s neck. 

Anya can’t help the small smile that tugs at her face.

“Only when I’m serious?” She raises an eyebrow. 

“You’re cute when you’re serious. But you’re hot, like all the time.” Raven grins before she leans in to kiss the older woman. Raven’s hands grab the back of Anya’s neck holding her in place. 

Anya, who isn’t exactly sober herself, finds her hands on Raven’s hips and involuntarily grips harder, pulling Raven closer to her. The motion causes Raven to moan. 

Before the kiss gets any deeper, Anya pulls back with a breathy laugh “Come on, let’s get you to bed.” 

Raven sticks out her bottom lip in protest, but eventually nods. She can’t deny that she’s been feeling incredibly dizzy since she stood up earlier. 

The two girls enter Anya’s apartment, stumbling through the door. Raven is just about ready to collapse onto any surface until Anya holds her up. 

“Just a few more steps, baby.” Anya whispers, and successfully leads Raven to lie down on her bed. 

Anya moves to Raven’s feet to remove her shoes. When she finishes and looks back up, Anya sees Raven looking at her. 

“What?” 

Raven just continues to stare. There’s a small grin playing on her lips. 

“What, Raven?” Anya asks again, moving to sit beside Raven on the bed. “You better start talking, Reyes.” 

Raven laughs before reaching up to pull Anya down for a kiss. 

“You called me baby.” Raven whispers in between kisses. 

Anya chuckles but continues to kiss Raven, lying down herself so they are beside each other. “It’s a term of endearment.” 

“You find me endearing?” One of Raven’s hands grasps at Anya’s shirt, the other one cups Anya’s cheek. 

“Of course I do, baby.” Anya smiles into Raven’s lips. “But don’t tell anyone, I have to keep up to my reputation of stone cold bitch.” Her hands are around Raven’s waist. She notices that Raven’s shirt has ridden up, and so she starts stroking and scratching at the small portion of Raven’s lower back that is exposed, eliciting a sudden gasp and moan from Raven. 

“Anya…” 

“Hmm.” Anya moans into Raven’s mouth, her hands going farther up Raven’s back. She pushes Raven down onto the bed and straddles her waist, all the while not breaking their kiss. 

Raven’s hands grip onto Anya’s waist as Raven’s hips involuntarily buck up at the contact. Anya starts tugging at the hem of Raven’s shirt. That’s when Raven breaks their kiss and catches her breath. 

Anya eyes Raven carefully, her eyebrows furrowed together, a small disappointed pout on her lips. 

Raven caresses Anya’s cheek and traces her jawline. “I’m sorry, An. I’m just a little overwhelmed, that’s all. And drunk.” Raven giggles nervously. 

Anya’s face softens as she cups Raven’s cheek and leans down to give her a soft and gentle kiss. She slides off of Raven’s waist to lay down beside her. She opens her arms and Raven nestles into her, face resting into the crook of Anya’s neck. 

“It’s okay. We don’t have to do anything.” Anya whispers, kissing the top of Raven’s head. 

They stay like that for a while, breathing each other in when Raven breaks the silence. 

“Anya?” 

“Hm?” 

Raven hesitates for a bit. She doesn’t know what’s gotten into her or why she has the sudden urge to be honest with Anya about what she feels. She’s never honest to anyone about her feelings. Except to maybe Clarke and Octavia, but even opening up to them is a rare occasion. But there’s just something different this time. There’s something different about Anya. 

Raven looks at the woman lying down in front of her and can’t help but feel both brave and scared at the same time. This woman scares the fuck out of her because of what she’s been able to make Raven feel. She’s been with other girls before, sure. But they’ve never made her afraid. And she’s so afraid that if she opens up, she’s going to break. 

But then again, Anya also makes her feel brave. Like no matter what, Raven can be honest and open and vulnerable, and she knows that Anya will always – always – have her back. Anya makes her want to risk anything – heck everything even – for a chance at happiness. 

She swallows then takes a deep breath before speaking. 

“I, uhm. I really like you.” 

Anya chuckles. “You’re such a sap. Who would’ve thought?” She shuffles her body so that they are facing each other. She brings her forehead to Raven’s. 

Raven pouts. “I’m serious.”

“I know.” Anya says, trying to keep a straight face but unable to hold the grin that comes out. 

Raven sighs and rolls her eyes. “I’m trying to be open with you here, you know?” She says before she attempts to turn around. 

“Hey, hey no. I’m sorry.” Anya says, holding Raven in place in front of her. “I’m just. I’m not good with opening up, okay?” Anya sighs against Raven’s mouth. 

“Neither am I. But I’m serious. I really like you. I don’t want to screw this up.” Raven admits softly. 

A small smile plays on the lips of Anya. She leans forward, brushing her nose against Raven’s before she kisses Raven’s forehead and lets her lips linger there. She places soft kisses every now and then. 

Both of them are still silent and Raven can’t stand it. 

“Say something.” Raven whispers. She feels Anya take a deep breath. 

“I don’t want to screw this up either.” Anya finally admits softly. She presses her forehead to Raven’s. Her eyes remain closed tightly when she says, “I really REALLY like you, like, you have no fucking clue. I like you so much that it scares me.” 

Raven knows she is drunk, but she knows that this, this admission, is something she’s never ever going to forget. 

Raven’s face softens as she takes in the beauty of Anya. She tentatively raises her hand to trace Anya’s jawline. She uses her thumb to wipe across Anya’s lips. 

“Anya..” Raven whispers. 

Anya’s eyes remain closed, her grip on Raven’s waist never faltering. 

“Hey… Look at me.” Raven says, louder now. She uses her hand to tilt Anya’s chin upwards, and starts caressing her cheek. “Please?” 

Anya slowly opens her eyes, and locks them with Raven’s. 

“We’ll make this work, okay?” Raven says, nudging her nose against Anya’s. 

Anya returns the small but sweet gesture. “I’d like that.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah.”

“You’re such a sap.” Raven smirks, gives Anya a quick kiss on the cheek before turning around. She reaches for Anya’s arm to wrap around her body, as she shuffles backward into Anya. She smiles when she notices they seem to fit perfectly. 

Anya gives out a laugh. “You’re such a bitch,” she says before settling her face into the back of Raven’s neck, giving it a quick kiss. 

“That I am, my dear. That I am.” Raven sleepily replies, giving Anya’s arm a small pat. 

The two fall asleep almost immediately, wide smiles on their faces. 

\--

Raven is awoken the next morning with the incessant ringing of her phone. She blinks one eye open before reaching to the table by the bed and checks who is calling her. 

“Jesus, O. What time is it?” 

“It’s actually almost noon, Raven.” Octavia replies casually. “Have you heard from Clarke?” 

“No. Have you?” 

“No.” 

“What? It’s almost noon!” 

“I know! That’s why I’m calling.” 

Raven can hear the concern in Octavia’s voice. 

“Shit.” Raven says. 

This isn’t like Clarke at all. Clarke, being who she is, always finds a way to contact the two friends after a night out, just to be sure everyone is okay. Clarke calls when she wakes up, but when no one answers, she always shoots them a text. 

“Lincoln and I left before you and Anya. Do you remember what happened after we left? Did you see her when you got home?” 

Raven suddenly becomes aware of the body that is flushed up against her, the hand that has found its way underneath her shirt and has nestled itself on her stomach. She can feel herself blush. 

“Uhm…” Raven hesitates and shifts nervously. Her movement causes Anya to grunt. 

“Raven… where are you?” Octavia asks. Raven can tell Octavia is grinning. 

“Anya’s.” 

“CALLED IT!” Octavia screams. “Seriously Reyes, I want details. Like lots of them.” 

“There are no details, O.” Raven rolls her eyes, whispering now so that she doesn’t wake the woman beside her. 

“Whatever. We’re going to sit down and discuss this over vodka. But first, Clarke.” 

“Fine! As long as you’re buying.” Raven laughs. “Okay, seriously, what do we do about Clarke?” 

“Meet you at the diner across her street? Then we can see if she’s at your apartment?” 

“Kay, see you in 10.” 

Raven puts the phone down and turns to check on Anya. She smiles when she sees Anya sleeping soundly. Anya instinctively tightens her grip around Raven’s waist. 

Raven gives her a quick kiss on the forehead “I have to go.” 

Eyes still closed, Anya gives Raven a pout. “Why?” 

“Bit of a friend emergency. I’m meeting Octavia, we’re going to look for Clarke.” 

“Is she okay?” Anya replies, one eye blinking open. 

“I’m sure she’s fine. Don’t worry, just sleep. I’ll come back later and tell you about it.” Raven smiles, leaning down to plant a gentle kiss on Anya’s lips. 

“Okay. Be safe, babe.” Anya responds before turning around to bury her face into her pillow. 

Raven shakes her head, unable to grasp just how lucky she is. She hurriedly grabs her things from the kitchen counter and heads out to meet Octavia. 

\--

About ten minutes later, Raven rounds the corner to see Octavia standing there with two cups of coffee. 

“Bless you, O!” she says as she reaches for the cup and takes a long sip. 

Octavia laughs. “I figured you’d need it.” She adds a wink to let Raven know that there is still something juicy that they need to discuss when they are done dealing with Clarke. 

“Yeah, yeah.” Raven says. “Come on, let’s go make sure she’s not dead.” 

The two friends enter the apartment building and head straight up. With her own key, Raven pushes the door open. 

The two friends walk through the hallway and are greeted with Clarke, haphazardly strewn across the couch. There are lots of balled up tissues that surround her and a waste bin near her head. As they get closer, they notice Clarke’s mascara has run down her face, obvious signs that she’s been crying. 

Raven rushes to Clarke’s side to gently nudge her awake. Octavia starts to clean, starting with all the tissue. 

“Clarke…” Raven says as she is gently shaking the blonde. “Hey, wake up..” 

Clarke stirs. Her eyes flutter open only briefly. 

“Lexa?” Clarke says, voice dry and hoarse from all the crying. 

Raven and Octavia look to each other immediately, their eyes wide. 

Raven sighs loudly. “Clarke, it’s Raven. Octavia is here too.” 

“Oh.” Is all Clarke manages to say before she slumps back down, covering her face with a pillow. 

Raven stands and pulls Octavia aside. 

“Should’ve known.” Raven says shaking her head. 

“Right? Those two are stupid.” 

“I know. I so want to bump their heads together so that they finally realize what they are to each other.” 

They watch Clarke for a bit before Raven breaks their silence. 

“Can you handle the food? I’ll stay here and get her cleaned up.” 

“Yeah, of course, I got it. I’ll get our usual orders. Just make sure she’s okay. I’ll be back in a bit.”

“Thanks, O. I’ll see you soon.” 

Octavia leaves to grab lunch from where they always get their meals when they are in dire need of comfort food. Raven proceeds to help Clarke off of the couch and try and get her into a shower.

Both girls know they’re in for a long day. Octavia makes sure to get some extra food that they can heat up later. Raven makes sure they’re stocked on alcohol in case Clarke needs it. 

By the time Octavia gets back, Clarke has showered. She and Raven are seated on the couch. Octavia sets down their lunch on the table by the living room. She goes back to the kitchen to place the extra food in the fridge before heading back to the living room. She takes the seat opposite Clarke. 

“Okay.” Raven says. “What happened?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys like this chapter, especially since it's the first one about Raven and Anya! 
> 
> My updates are gonna be slower now. The real world has caught up with me and I'm back to work, lessening my time to write. Will do my best to still have at least one to two a week, though! 
> 
> Again, comments and kudos appreciated! Thanks, lovelies!
> 
> Hit me up! our-reckless-wild-youth.tumblr.com


	7. The morning after

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is comforted by her two friends, while Lexa gets honest with her feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies, work has gotten the best of me, I've been swamped this week!
> 
> Hope you enjoy the update! Will try and get something up soon after this!

“And then… She closed the door and she left.” Clarke manages to say in the middle of sniffling. 

“And so. I just. I don’t know. I went through our emergency stash, Rave, and I got the vodka.” 

Clarke points at an empty bottle on the coffee table. 

“And I sat here and I just drank. And cried. Then drank some more. Then the next thing I know, someone was waking me up. And then. It’s now.” 

Clarke chuckles a little at how silly she must have just sounded. She wipes at her eyes and blows her nose. She looks up at her two friends expecting them to be judging her for what she just shared. 

Instead, she finds both of them watching her with comforting eyes and reassuring nods. Octavia has planted herself on the floor, her chin resting on Clarke’s knees, her hand gently stroking Clarke’s calf to comfort her. Raven hasn’t left Clarke’s side the entire time, one arm slung over Clarke’s shoulders, the other gripping onto one of Clarke’s forearm – Raven’s way of giving Clarke strength. 

The three stay quiet, letting everything that Clarke had just said sink in. 

“Damn, Griffin.” Was all Raven could manage. 

“I’m sorry, Clarke.” Octavia offered. 

Clarke gives both of her friends soft smiles. 

“It’s fine. I’ll be okay.” Clarke nods to herself. 

“What are you going to do?” Octavia asks, tentatively. 

“I.. I don’t know. It’s not like I’m expecting her to do anything. She’s with someone else for a reason. And I respect that. I think I just needed to let her know how I felt. Be honest with her, with myself, for once.” 

“We get it.” Raven assures her. 

“Thanks.” Clarke can feel the tears start to build up again so she shakes her head. She needs, at least for awhile, to not be thinking about what happened the previous night.

“Okay, I need to talk about something else. What’s up with you guys? How did your evenings end?” 

Octavia and Raven look at each other, speaking silently through their eyes. They give each other a nod, and agree that it in fact may be best to change the topic. 

“Well…” Octavia says, her eyes now teasing at Raven. 

“O…” Raven says, her voice stern. 

“What? What is it?!” Clarke asks, looking back and forth between Raven and Octavia. 

“Don’t you dare.” Raven tries to say in her most serious voice. The smile tugging at her lips gives her away. 

“I dare.” Octavia says coolly, before turning to Clarke. “So, I was obviously worried when I woke up and didn’t hear from you – no it’s fine, Clarke” Octavia says quickly when she sees the blonde about to apologize. “Anyway, so yeah, I end up calling Raven to ask her what happened, or if she saw you when she got home and…” she pauses when she sees Clarke’s eyes go wide. 

“You didn’t – you weren’t here! You didn’t come home! OH MY GOD RAVEN WHERE DID YOU GO?” Clarke says, eyes wide with excitement. 

Raven groans and falls back into the couch, grabbing a pillow to shield her face. 

Clarke and Octavia laugh at Raven’s embarrassment. 

“Come on, Rave, just tell me already!” Clarke pleads, trying to pull the pillow away from Raven’s face. 

“Yeah, Raven. You know you want to anyway!” Octavia teases. She’s now sitting on the coffee table, her legs a little sore from sitting too long on the floor. 

Raven mumbles something into the pillow that Clarke doesn’t quite understand. 

“What? Speak up, woman. Say the name proudly!” Clarke slaps the pillow. 

Raven let’s out another long sigh before she slowly peeks from underneath the pillow. She stretches her neck so that her mouth isn’t being covered by anything. 

“Anya’s, okay. I was at Anya’s place.” Raven rambles quickly, before hiding again behind the couch pillow. 

Clarke looks to Octavia, who only nods with a grin. 

“Oh my god oh my god!! I completely forgot that you two were all over each other last night!” Clarke starts to squeal as she successfully pulls the pillow from Raven’s face. 

Raven can’t help the grin that comes. 

“Wait. Just. Seriously?” Clarke’s grin is wide. 

“Seriously.” Raven laughs. 

“I KNEW IT! I totally called that. Argh, I’m so happy for you!” Clarke manages to say in between her cheers. She gives Raven a big hug. 

“Yeah, yeah, we’re happy for you. But we want details, Raven. Give it to us!” Octavia says, breaking up the hug. 

Raven laughs and begins to tell them what happened between her and Anya as Octavia and Clarke settle beside her on the couch. 

\--

Anya gets up as soon as Raven leaves the room. She checks her phone. She remembers leaving Clarke and Lexa in the restaurant last night before going home, so if Clarke needs Raven, she’s pretty sure Lexa needs her. True enough, she has several missed calls. 

“Fuck” she mutters to herself as she gets out of bed to put on a pair of jeans and a hoodie. 

She grabs her keys and locks her door. She runs down the stairs while attempting to pocket her keys and her wallet and dial the phone to ring Lexa back. 

By the time she’s on the street, Lexa has picked up. 

“I’m sorry I missed your calls. I’m on my way, okay? Stay where you are.” 

“Okay.” She hears Lexa respond. She notices how cracked and how hoarse her voice sounds. It’s like she’s been crying all night. 

Anya didn’t need to ask Lexa where she was. She knew exactly where she had to go. 

When she got to Lexa’s building, the doorman let her in without any qualms. She was there so often she rarely got asked for any identification. She made her way to the top floor, before pushing the fire exit door open to head upstairs to the roof. Lexa had a thing for rooftops since they were young. 

When they were younger and Lexa was feeling extra down, Anya would find her on the roof of their house just staring at the sky. Anya later learned that Lexa would do this too even when she would stay over at Clarke’s place growing up. Sometimes, Clarke even joined her. 

She opened the door that lead to the roof and immediately made her way to the far left corner. There, she found Lexa with her arms wrapped around her knees, head buried in the space between her body and her legs. There was a blanket around her. 

As Anya neared, Lexa lifted her head a little to look at who was coming. 

“Hey.” 

“Hey, kid.” Anya said as she slid down to sit beside Lexa. 

Lexa tried to give a soft smile, but Anya could see Lexa’s bottom lip trembling. 

“Come here,” Anya said as she opened her arms. Immediately, Lexa flung herself onto Anya, clutching at her waist, burrowing her face into Anya’s neck. 

Anya let Lexa cry. She allowed her to just let everything out. She just held her tightly, like how she used to when they were smaller. Anya hated seeing Lexa this way. Lexa was more like a sister to her than a cousin, and she hated it when she saw her family hurting. 

Lexa lost her family when she was young. Her dad was having an affair and ended up leaving, and her mom didn’t take it well. She ended up drinking herself straight to death. That’s when Lexa moved in with Anya’s family. Gustus, Anya’s dad and Lexa’s uncle, was the brother of Lexa’s mom. And although he took Lexa in and loved her like an uncle should, it was difficult for him to see Lexa. He loved his sister very much, and felt so much pain and loss every time he looked at Lexa that he couldn’t help but resent her for it. At least that’s what Lexa believed. Apart from Anya, Lexa never felt like she was ever home in her Uncle’s house. Lexa only did ever feel at home in one place. 

Actually, she only ever felt home when she was with one person. And that person was Clarke. 

And Anya knew this. She knew this the moment she saw them talk for the first time as neighbors, and she could see the immediate connection, the immediate chemistry, that the two girls had, even at such a young age. She loved Lexa like a sister, but she knew that it was Clarke with whom Lexa felt most at home with. 

She could feel Lexa’s crying ease up, her breathing was steadier. She continued to stroke through Lexa’s hair. 

“Talk to me.” Anya whispered. 

“It’s just. It’s so hard, An.” Lexa managed to say. 

“What is?” Anya asks, slowly shifting so that they are facing each other. She reaches out to hold onto Lexa’s arm, and the girl reciprocates. Anya knows what’s going on, but she wants to hear it from Lexa. 

“Clarke.” Lexa replies, looking up at Anya. She’s surprised when Anya doesn’t look shocked. 

“You’re not surprised?” 

Anya gives a soft laugh. “I’ve known you both since you were little. You only cry this way when it has something to do with Clarke.” 

Lexa doesn’t say anything. Anya is right and she knows it. 

“What about her, Lex? What happened?” 

Lexa doesn’t say anything for a good few minutes. She just stares at her hands and picks at her nails. Anya stays quiet. She doesn’t push Lexa to start talking. She just waits there, with her hands on Lexa’s knees, rubbing soft and encouraging circles with her thumb. 

When Lexa looks up, she takes a deep breath, and recounts to her what happened the night before. 

Anya doesn’t say anything while Lexa speaks, even after Lexa finishes her story. She knows Lexa has much more to say. 

True enough, Lexa continues. 

“I think I love her, Anya. No, wait. I know. I know I love her. I am IN love with her. And that scares the crap out of me. I tried to ignore it, I tried to push it away.” 

Lexa shakes her head and stands up and starts to pace. Anya stays seated, watching her cousin. 

“I mean, I have a girlfriend. I have Costia. And she’s great. She’s amazing, even. She cares so much about me, she’s sweet, and she’s kind, and she’s funny. She gets along with everyone. Heck she even gets along with you. She doesn’t push me to be open with her when I don’t want to be. She lets me be who I am. She’s got everything going for her.” 

Lexa pauses. 

“But?” Anya asks. 

“But my stomach doesn’t do flips when I see her. My heart doesn’t race when she’s near me. When I’m having a good day, she’s not the first one I think about calling. When I’m having a bad day, she’s not the one I think of running to. When I read something interesting, or I watch something that’s funny, or when I run into a cute puppy on the sidewalk, or when I stop to stare at a loving old couple sitting at a bench…” 

Lexa stops at the railing of the roof and looks out into the city. 

“Costia’s not the one I wanna call to tell her about it. She’s great, Anya. Don’t get me wrong. But.”

“She’s not Clarke.” Anya says. She’s gotten up as well and is now standing beside Lexa. 

 

“She’s not Clarke.” Lexa lets her voice break and a few tears fall. 

“She’s not Clarke, Anya. I love Costia. I do. But I’m not in love with her. But with Clarke, I know. I know it in my gut. She’s the one I wanna call when things go right for me at the office. She’s the one I wanna call when I remember my parents. She’s the one I wanna call to ask if she’s ever heard of the thing I just read or if she’s ever watched the tv show I just finished. I want to call her to tell her about the puppy that licked at my palm, or the old couple that smiled when I took their picture.”

Lexa pauses to take a deep breath. 

“Then why don’t you tell her that?” Anya asks, taking the opportunity. 

“I’m scared.” 

“Of?” 

Lexa sighs deeply before she turns her head towards Anya. 

“Of losing her.” 

Anya nods. 

Lexa is holding her head in her hands when Anya speaks again. 

“But don’t you think that you might actually lose her if you don’t tell her?” 

“Anya.” 

“No, I’m serious. Lex, she told you what she feels. She practically poured her heart out to you!” 

“I know that! I was there! I heard everything, Anya. But she also asked for space. And I told her I’d give her that.” 

Anya sighs. She knows there’s no way she can challenge that. She doesn’t want to push Lexa too much either on the subject. 

“Fine. Give her the space she needs. But, can you promise me something?” 

Lexa frowns but nods to agree. 

“Promise me that when you get the chance to, you’ll talk to her. And I mean, really talk to her. About everything. Try to figure things out together. You said it yourself, she’s your best friend. I think you owe her that much. Promise me that.” 

“I promise.” She pulls Anya into a hug. “Thank you. Really.” Lexa whispers into Anya’s hair. 

“Always, kid. Let’s go back inside, okay? Let’s get something to eat.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to hear what you guys think so far, honestly! You can comment here or shoot me a message at my tumblr (our-reckless-wild-youth.tumblr.com). It'll really help me continue to develop and progress the story! 
> 
> Thanks everyone!


	8. Awkward Conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Work is still a bitch, but I've been lazy, so this came out earlier than planned. Hope you enjoy! xoxo

It is about a week and a half since Clarke and Lexa had probably their biggest fight so far since they’ve known each other. It’s been a week and half since they have seen or spoken to each other. It’s been a week and a half of space. 

In that week and a half, Clarke decided to finally break it off with Finn before it went any further. They met for a quick cup of coffee one afternoon to talk about it. Finn wasn’t all that surprised. It was mutual and amicable, both agreeing that there weren’t any sparks and that it didn’t look like it was going to go anywhere. They agreed to stay friends, especially since he started working at Lincoln’s bar and was still a friend of Bellamy’s. 

Instead of dwelling on the fight with Lexa and losing a potential relationship in Finn, Clarke buried herself in her work and studies. She spent almost all her free time at the hospital, getting extra shifts when she could, and only going home to shower, eat, and sleep. She wasn’t able to go out and see Raven and Octavia since they visited her that morning, but they did still call her almost everyday that week just to check up on her. 

As for Lexa, her week and half had been so routine, she had trouble telling what day it was anymore. Her days consisted of getting up in the morning, going to work, spending almost 10 hours pouring over books and research, going home to eat, shower, and attempting to sleep, which she hasn’t been getting much of at all. 

Luckily though, Costia was assigned a case out of town and has been away. Since both of them have been incredibly busy, they haven’t been able to even skype or call each other that much – their interaction has been limited to texting in the morning and the evening. She’s been dreading having to see and spend time with her girlfriend, because she knows exactly what she needs to do, now that she’s allowed herself to feel everything she feels for Clarke. Unfortunately, Costia was scheduled to come back at the end of the week, and there was no running away from the inevitable. 

Lexa continued her daily routine of home-work-home until Costia finally arrived that Friday. She decided not to pick Costia up from the airport to avoid a more than likely awkward car ride. Instead, she told Costia to meet her for dinner that night once she was settled. 

She got to the restaurant early, and asked the hostess to seat her at the booth by the back. She asks the waiter for a glass of water and tells him she’ll wait for her friend before they order. She consciously avoids ordering any alcohol. She wants to be as level-headed as she can be for this conversation. 

She’s lost in her thoughts when she hears the chair in front of her being dragged. It takes a while for her to register that Costia is already seated in front of her, asking the waiter to bring her a glass of water as well. 

“Hey you.” Costia says with a warm smile as she reaches across the table. 

Instinctively, Lexa reaches out as well and they hold hands. Lexa returns the smile. “Hey.” 

“Are you okay? You look like there’s something troubling you.” 

Lexa contemplates whether or not she’ll talk about it now or wait until after dinner. She decides on the spot to get it over with. She doesn’t want to prolong it further, for her sake, and for Costia’s. 

She furrows her brow and bites her lip before speaking. “I actually need to talk to you.” 

The waiter comes back with a glass of water for Costia and hands her a menu. 

“Thanks.” 

“Sure. I’ll be back in a bit for your orders.” The waiter replies before leaving the two girls. 

Costia takes a sip of her water before she reaches out to take hold of Lexa’s hand again. She takes a deep breath before speaking. 

“You’re ending things, right? You’re breaking up with me.” Costia asks, with a tilt of her head. There’s a sad smile on her lips, but there is no hint of anger in her voice. She asks it as if she’s known for a while. She says it as if she was expecting it. 

“How…” Lexa wants to ask how Costia knows. But she stops herself. That doesn’t matter anymore, because it’s true. “I’m sorry.” 

Costia remains silent for a while, still holding onto Lexa’s hand, her thumb tracing small circles. 

At that moment, the waiter comes back, notepad in hand. 

“You girls ready?” 

“Uh. I’m actually not that hungry. Can I just get a cup of coffee please?” Lexa manages to say. Her gaze is still fixed on Costia. 

“I’ll have the same, thanks.” Costia mumbles. At that, the waiter leaves again. Costia keeps her gaze on the table, but her hand remains holding onto Lexa’s. 

“Costia.” Lexa whispers. 

“It’s okay, Lex.” She finally says, looking up. “I kinda knew this was gonna happen sooner or later.” She gives out a small nervous laugh. 

“It’s – okay this is going to be so cliché, but it’s not you, okay? You’re amazing Cos. Really. I just can’t give you what you need or what you should have. You deserve so much more than me. You deserve someone better than me.” 

Costia nods, obviously holding back tears. 

“You’ve finally figured it out, haven’t you?” Costia asks. 

“Figured what out?” 

“That you’re in love with Clarke. That you’ve been in love with Clarke for as long as you can remember. That you were in love with Clarke even before we got together.” 

Lexa visibly stiffens but says nothing. Was she really that obvious? Could everybody really tell? 

“I knew she meant so much to you from the moment we first met. And I knew she would always – always – have a special place in your heart. I learned early on that I could never compete with Clarke. I’d never win. But I thought that was just because you know, you’ve known each other longer, and you guys grew up together and all. I thought… No. I hoped and I wished that later on you would see me too, and not just her. That you would think of me first, not her.” Costia pauses, steadying her breath to make sure her voice didn’t break. 

The waiter comes back with their coffee. He sets the cups down and leaves. 

“Do you know when I realized that you didn’t really love me?” 

“Costia I -- ”

“I thought it was when I told you I loved you the first time and you didn’t say it back. But I told myself that at that point, you probably just weren’t ready. And I was willing to wait for you to be ready. I was so ready to wait as long as it took for you to be ready. I loved you that much. But when you finally said it back to me – that’s when I knew. That’s when I knew that you didn’t really love me. That’s when I knew that I was never going to be enough.” 

Costia can’t stop the few tears that escape her. 

“You said you loved me, but you could never lie. Your eyes.” Costia raises her other hand to gently stroke Lexa’s cheek by her eyes. 

“It was always in your eyes. You have the most beautiful eyes, Lexa, and I can’t count how many times I’ve gotten lost in them. They are the most expressive eyes I have ever seen. But they give you away. You may think you can hide your feelings, but your eyes always betray you.” Costia drops her hand. 

“And every time you told me you loved me… you kept your eyes shut. Or you never looked at me. Whether it was in between kisses or walking down the street, even when we were having sex. There was always a pause before you responded. And when you would finally say it back, you never looked at me. Not once. And that’s when I knew. I’ve known for a while. I guess I was just holding on to a sliver of hope that I might be enough for you one day.” 

“I did love you. I love you.” Lexa says firmly, squeezing Costia’s hands. 

“Don’t lie.” Costia says, a sad smile on her lips. “It’s okay Lex, really.” 

Lexa couldn’t respond to that. How could she? How do you tell someone you love them when you’re breaking up with them? How do you tell someone you love them when you know it’s not enough? How do you tell someone you love them, when you’re really in love with someone else? 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Lexa manages to say, her voice now breaking. “I never wanted to hurt you. Or make you feel like you weren’t enough. I really thought I could love you in the way you’re supposed to love someone you are with. I thought I could love you in the way you should be loved. In the way you deserve to be loved. I love you Costia. I do. But I am not in love with you. I tried. I really did. I’m just. God, I’m sorry.” Lexa’s can’t control her tears anymore. 

Costia’s grip on Lexa’s arm never slackens. She lets Lexa’s breathing steady before she speaks again.  
“It’s okay. I promise. I’m not angry, okay? I understand. I’m not blind, Lex. I can see what you and Clarke have. And what you guys have is rare. It’s what every person dreams of when they picture their future with someone they love. I’m not about to try and break that, or force myself into something that isn’t meant to be.” 

“I hope you don’t hate me.” 

“Oh, never, Lexa. It’s so easy to love you, you know?” Costia chuckles. “I’d want to still be friends, if that’s okay? I think I’ll just need time. But eventually, I’d still like to be able to hang out outside of work.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, really.”

“I’d like that.” 

“I’d like that too.” 

\--

Lexa and Costia decide to pay for their coffees, agreeing that they didn’t need to prolong their evening just out of niceties. They give each other one final hug when they exit the restaurant, and Costia assures Lexa that everything is okay. They agree to be civil at the office, and when Costia is ready, they can continue being friends. 

Lexa literally flops onto her bed when she gets home. She feels a little lighter than she’s felt in a while, a good sign that she did the right thing. But there is still something bothering her, and that’s the fact that she hasn’t spoken to her best friend in two weeks. 

She broke up with Costia because of her feelings for Clarke, but she isn’t really expecting anything to happen just yet. Right now, she really just wants her friend back. She’s realized in the last two weeks that having Clarke in her life is more important than whatever feelings she has that she needs to still figure out. 

Before she can talk herself out of it, she grabs her phone and gives Clarke a call. Lexa is worried when after a few rings, Clarke still doesn’t answer. Clarke always picks up when Lexa calls, unless she’s in the middle of work. 

Maybe she still needs space, Lexa thinks to herself. 

When she checks her watch, she nods to herself. Earlier that evening, after dinner, she decided to take the long walk home in the hopes that it would help clear her head. She must have lost track of time because she’s surprised at how late it actually is. That explains then why Clarke isn’t answering. Clarke is either asleep or in the middle of work. 

“Hey, sorry I can’t take your call right now, but please feel free to leave me a message! I’ll be sure to get back to you as soon as I can.” 

Lexa smiles when she hears Clarke’s voice. She hasn’t realized how much she’s missed it. 

At the beep, Lexa decides to leave a short, but very awkward, message. When she puts down the phone, she turns to her side and lets the exhaustion of the past two weeks drown her into slumber. 

\--

 

Clarke had just stepped into one of the on-call rooms to take a quick nap when she decides to check her phone. Her heart stops when she notices she has a voicemail from Lexa. She clicks on the message and puts the phone up to her ear. 

“Hey. Uhm. It’s me. Uh, it’s Lexa. Well you should know that, you’re opening this as a voicemail so you know who’s leaving it.” Clarke can hear Lexa nervously laugh. 

“Uh sorry. Anyway. I... Jesus. Can you call me? Uhm when you get this? I mean, only if you want to, you know? Like, I know you said space and uh, everything so... It’s just been two weeks is all, and I – well there’s something I need to tell you. And I’d rather tell you in person. But only if it’s okay with you, okay? No pressure or anything. It’s fine if you don’t want to.” Clarke chuckles at how Lexa is rambling. She’s obviously nervous. 

“Uhm. But. Jesus why is this so awkward. Anyway. Can you – Just, call me back if you’re up to it okay? Bye, Clarke…” 

Clarke is about to put the phone down when she hears Lexa’s voice again. 

“I miss you. Uh. Sorry. Okay. Bye.” 

Clarke can’t help the smile she has when she puts down the phone. She’s not going to deny that she does in fact miss Lexa. How can she not? They’ve never gone this long without speaking to each other and they rarely stay angry at each other for longer than a day. In the two weeks, Clarke realized that she needed Lexa in her life. It didn’t matter if it was as a friend or as a girlfriend. It was going to be difficult to put aside her romantic feelings, but she knew that she would rather have Lexa in her life as her best friend, than not have Lexa at all. Clarke flops down on the nearest bed with a deep sigh, exhausted from all the rounds and post-ops she had to do earlier. She makes a mental note to call Lexa when she wakes up before she turns to her side to allow sleep to take over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone commented earlier about the Clarke breaking up with Finn and Lexa breaking up with Costia, so here you are! I really did have that planned for the next chapter, so good call! ;) 
> 
> I didn't dwell on Clarke and Finn that much because I didn't really build them up. It was never established that they were really a thing, and I didn't want to have to demonize Finn for the fic. And neither did i want to demonize Costia, so I tried to make her break up with Lexa as... tame as possible, lol. 
> 
> As always, would love your thoughts on this! Really, both good and bad, what you like, what you don't, what you'd like to see or how you think the story can be improved! Your input goes a long way! 
> 
> You can comment here or be free to follow my tumblr (our-reckless-wild-youth.tumblr.com) so you can shoot me a message there, or watch me freak out over clexa or alycia debnam carey or eliza taylor pictures and gif sets! 
> 
> Comments and kudos appreciated, BBs! Love to you all!


	9. Old Habits Die Hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa finally talk again after two weeks, and immediately fall into old habits... and more.

Clarke is awoken only a few hours later by her pager. It’s been ringing incessantly and when she finally opens it, she rushes to the office of the chief. She takes a deep breath, runs her hand through her hair, then knocks on the door. 

“Come in.” 

“Dr. Wallace. My apologies for not coming sooner. I was off shift and was using the time to rest. You wanted to see me?” 

“No problem, Dr. Griffin. I should be apologizing for contacting you while you were off shift. I received news that I think you would like to hear right away instead of waiting until you came back. Please, have a seat.” 

Clarke moves from the door where she’s been standing to the seat in front of Dr. Wallace’s desk. She clasps her hands and rests them on her lap. She waits quietly for Dr. Wallace to continue speaking. 

“You applied to an internship in Seattle?” Wallace asks in a very monotone voice. 

“Oh. Yes, I did about a month ago. I read about it online and applied on the whim really. It’s a prestigious program, I wanted to see if I could make it. Plus, my parents stayed there before when my mom was part of the program, I thought it would be nice.” 

Wallace nods. “I see. It is a very good program. Your mother, although not directly involved in that program anymore, speaks very highly of it. She says she has met and worked with a number of their students who are extremely talented.” 

“My mother actually gave me the fliers, and does rave about how good of a training ground that hospital is. If I’m not mistaken, Anya went through it as well before getting recruited to work here.” 

“Ah yes, we fought very hard to get Dr. Aspen.” Wallace smiles. “Have you heard from them?” 

“Not yet. I don’t expect to actually. It’s not like I’m going to get in.” Clarke gives Wallace a small smile. 

“I received this in the mail today, Dr. Griffin. Two letters. One is addressed to me, the other is addressed to you.” Wallace hands Clarke a sealed envelope. Her name is on the front. She recognizes the hospital logo on the upper left hand side of the envelope. 

Clarke’s eyes dart back and forth between the envelope and Wallace. After a few seconds, she finally finds her voice. 

“Is this? I – I got in?” 

“You got in.” Wallace says, grinning widely now. “I received a letter from them as well as a courtesy, since they are going to be taking one of my best interns away for at least two years.” 

Clarke beams at the words of Wallace. She’s sure she has tears in her eyes, but she doesn’t care. She’s ecstatic. She didn’t think she would ever have been accepted into the program at all, and to top it off, Wallace just called her his best interns.   
When she is able to collect herself, she finally speaks. “When do I have to report there?” 

“Ah. That’s the interesting part, Dr. Griffin. The program doesn’t start for another month, but they need you there in a week. The other accepted interns are going to be arriving there as well. They want everyone to have the chance to get oriented with the program and the city of course, before you officially start. Do you think you can manage that?” 

Clarke sits stunned. “A week?” 

“Yes. Although, I did bring up an arrangement with them that I said I’d run by you first before confirming.” 

“Okay.” 

“I asked that, if they need you there in a week, which is very soon, that you be allowed to come back a month later just to settle things here, before fully moving to Seattle for the two year program. So, that option is open for you still, and it is your prerogative to avail of that one trip back here or not.” 

“Wow. Uhm. Thank you so much, Dr. Wallace. That arrangement sounds great.” 

“So I take it you are accepting their offer?” 

“Yes, of course. It would be stupid of me not to.” Clarke gives a small smile. 

“Good, because I told them to expect you.” Wallace responds with an even bigger grin. He stands up and extends his hand. “I have no doubts you will go far, Dr. Griffin. I just hope you always keep us in mind when you finish the program. There will always be a place for you here.” 

Clarke too stands up and accepts the hand that is offered her. “Thank you, Dr. Wallace. For everything. I learned so much here. This hospital – this city, in fact – will always be my first choice.” 

“Thank you, Dr. Griffin.” 

\---

 

Clarke heads straight back to the on-call room to get her things. It’s a Saturday morning and she’s off-shift for an entire 24 hours. Although she’s actually unsure if she’s still required to go to her remaining shifts since she has to leave in a week. 

She leaves through the hospital entrance as she clicks on a speed dial on her phone. The call is answered in two rings. 

“Clarke? You called me back.” 

Clarke takes a quick look at her phone and that’s when she realizes she unconsciously clicked on Lexa’s speed dial. She gives a quick laugh. It’s become a habit to click Lexa’s speed dial when she has news – either good or bad – so she shouldn’t be surprised that even if they have been in a rift the last two weeks, she still instinctively called Lexa. 

“Hey you.” Clarke starts before she can stop herself. “Uhm, yeah, I got your message last night. I would have called but I was practically asleep, I figured it would have been better for me to get some zzz’s in first. You know how I am when I’m sleepy.” Clarke laughs. 

“Yeah, you’re grumpy. No. wait, you’re more than that. You’re terrible when you haven’t had sleep, I don’t know how you can face your patients.” Lexa laughs too. She instantly feels lighter. She’s happy they are talking like nothing’s happened. 

“Ah, it’s a skill. Anyway, are you busy? I just got off my shift. I have something I need to tell you too, but I’d rather let you know in person.” 

“Yeah, sure. I mean. No, I’m not busy, so yeah I’m free to meet you. Coffee?” 

“Meet you at Grounders in 15? I’m on my way.” 

“Cool, okay. See you!” 

“See you… Hey Lex?” Clarke says before they put the phone down. “I miss you too.” She smiles when she hears Lexa let out a breath before she puts down the phone. 

\---

Clarke gets to Grounders first and heads straight to their usual table, which luckily is free even on a busy morning. She takes a deep breath, taking in the aroma of freshly brewed coffee, and smiles as the usual sounds of the various coffee machines are at work. She makes a mental note to buy a few bags of their freshly ground coffee beans to take with her to Seattle. 

She settles in her seat as Nyko, their friend who also happens to run the café, walks up to her. 

“Griffin!” Nyko says excitedly. “The usual?” 

“Hey Nyko! Looks like business is going well, huh? Yes please. And can you get Lexa’s usual too? Bla-”

“Black coffee, one teaspoon of sugar.” Nyko winks. “Sure, of course.” 

Clarke smiles back in thanks before she rests her arms on the table to wait for Lexa. A few minutes later, Nyko comes back with their coffees. Nyko sets down a steaming cup of Café Mocha in front of Clarke, and leaves the cup of black coffee in the seat across her. Clarke involuntarily scrunches her nose at the sight of Lexa’s drink. She can never understand how someone can take coffee like that. An obvious sweet tooth, she prefers the sweeter and creamier drinks. She wraps her hands around her cup, enjoying the warmth. 

A few minutes later, she hears the door open, and sees Lexa walk in, and smiles when Lexa, without having to look around, heads straight for their table too. 

When Lexa reaches the table, Clarke wonders for a while why she doesn’t immediately sit down. She looks up at Lexa and notices the furrowed brow, the worried eyes, and how Lexa is nervously chewing on her lower lip. 

“Hey, it’s okay.” Clarke says standing up and slowly walking to Lexa to take her hand. She gives it a gentle squeeze and gives Lexa a smile. 

Lexa doesn’t say anything but reciprocates by giving Clarke’s hand a gentle squeeze as well. 

“Jesus, Lex. Come here.” Clarke nervously laughs, and gives Lexa a hug. 

Lexa stiffens only slightly before returning the hug, wrapping her arms around her friend. She lets out a breath that she didn’t know she was holding. 

“Hey, Clarke.” Lexa finally says against the blonde’s hair. 

“Hey.” Clarke says when she finally lets go. “Sit. I got you your disgusting coffee.” Clarke sticks her tongue out at Lexa before she sits down. 

Lexa feigns hurt. “I am offended. This is the best way to take it, in all its pure glory.” Lexa wraps her hands around her own cup, lifting it to take a tiny whiff before she takes a sip. She lets out a moan, “Aaahh Nyko really has the best coffee.” 

Clarke can’t ignore the strange feelings that arise when she hears the moan from Lexa’s mouth. She take a sip of her own coffee first before she speaks again. 

“Yeah, he really does! I’m so glad his business is picking up.” Clarke says looking around at all the customers, a few of whom she notices are his other usual regulars. 

They stay silent for a while, watching the other patrons. 

“Clarke I – ” Lexa starts at the same time that Clarke speaks. 

“I’m so– ”

The two girls can’t help but laugh. 

Clarke shakes her head. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry Lex. About what happened two weeks ago at my apartment. I think. I think I was just really tired and drank too much and things just, came out.” 

Lexa nods. “It’s okay. I’m sorry too. It was a tough two weeks, to be honest. We haven’t gone that long without speaking to each other. Ever.” 

It’s Clarke’s turn to nod. “I know, I know. That’s why I’m sorry. I don’t even know what I was thinking.” 

“But did it help you?” 

“Uhm. A little, I guess. I don’t know. I just know I missed you.” Clarke gave a shy smile. 

“Me too.” 

“Anyway, uh, you had something to tell me? You go first before I tell you my news.” 

Lexa nods. “Uhm. Okay.” She shuffles in her seat, stalling while she collects her thoughts in figures out how to say what she’s about to say. She’s staring at her fingers that are fidgeting around her coffee cup. 

“Well, I. Uhm. Costia and I broke up.” Lexa says, finally raising her eyes to meet Clarke. 

“What? Are you okay? What happened? You guys were so good together!” Clarke asked and exclaimed in genuine concern. 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m okay, really. We’re okay. We’re friends. Or well, we agreed we’d stay friends. It was… I guess you could say it was mutual.” Lexa nodded. 

“But why, though? Was it – it wasn’t because of me, was it?” 

Lexa took a minute, deciding what she would say. 

“It – uhm. I loved her. I did. But. I wasn’t IN love with her, you know?” Lexa purposely avoided answering Clarke’s question directly. 

“I know.” Clarke responded, while her eyes stayed trained on Lexa’s. They stare at each other for what seems like forever until Nyko’s voice snaps them out of it. 

“Lexa! Good to see you! How’s the cup of joe?” 

Lexa is startled by the sudden greeting that she spills a little of her coffee. 

“Ah shit!” Lexa grabs at napkins before smiling sheepishly at Nyko. “Sorry you startled me! But anyway, it’s great, as always, Nyko. No one makes them like you do.” She adds with a smile. 

Nyko grins proudly before he sets down a plate with two muffins. “On the house, girls.” He says with a wink before heading back to the counter. 

“Uhm. Anyway, what was your news?” Lexa says looking back at Clarke. 

“Oh.” Clarke says, a little disappointment in her voice. She was expecting Lexa to say more, or something at least, about what it would mean now that she and Costia weren’t together. 

“Do you remember I applied a few months ago to that internship program in Seattle?” 

“Yeah?”

“I got in.” Clarke says, a smile finally getting through. 

Lexa’s cheeks were hurting from the wide grin that spread across her face. “Holy shit, Clarke! I knew you’d get it! Oh god, I’m so happy for you!” Lexa said excitedly. 

“Thanks!” Clarke responds with a shy laugh. “I just found out this morning, Dr. Wallace called me into his office.” 

“That’s so exciting! When do you start?” 

The question wipes the smile off of Clarke’s face.   
“I leave in a week.” 

“What?” 

“In a week, Lex.” 

“Oh.” Lexa can’t hide the sadness in her voice. She looks down again at her fingers and at her coffee. It doesn’t look so appealing anymore.

“Lexa?” 

“I’m really happy for you, Clarke. I had no doubts. I’m so extremely proud of you, you know that?” Lexa says, mustering a smile. 

Clarke studies Lexa’s face. She tries to find Lexa’s eyes, because that’s what always gives her away. But Lexa keeps her gaze on her hands. Clarke gives a soft sigh. “Thank you. That really means a lot.”

“I’m sure your parents are thrilled! Have you called them yet? Jake must be so excited for you, but I can imagine him being sad since you’ll be far away!” Lexa says, trying her best to sound enthusiastic again. 

“Oh, uh, well for sure they know I got in, mom still knows some people over there. But I don’t think they know I’m accepting it. I actually haven’t called them. You were my first call.” 

“Really?” 

“You’re always my first call, Lexa.” 

Lexa can feel that she’s about to tear up so she takes a quick sip of her coffee to stop them from showing. “You should call them.” 

“Yeah, I actually should.” 

“Okay. Uhm. So you call them, and I’ll – I’ll… I uh, I have a few stuff I need to get, er, for the house, so I’ll just go get those.” 

“You’re leaving?” 

“Just so you can call your parents. And I just remembered that, like I said, uh, need to get stuff. I’m out of – candles. You know I love candles, and when I fixate… Yeah, I need to get candles.” Lexa nods firmly, working hard to stop her awkward rambling. She doesn’t know what it is exactly but she knows she needs to get out of the café. She suddenly feels very anxious and the number of people inside has doubled since they arrived that it’s making her feel claustrophobic. 

“Oh. Uhm. Okay then.” Clarke says quietly.This was not how she expected any of this to go at all. She’s confused. 

Lexa fixes her bag and starts to stand, dropping a few dollars on the table. “I’ll – I’ll come over tonight, okay? Let’s celebrate, just the two of us.” 

“Do you promise?” Clarke doesn’t mean for her voice to suddenly become so small. 

Lexa reaches out and places her hand on top of Clarke’s and gives it a small squeeze. “I promise. I’ll see you later, kay?” She gives Clarke one last smile and rushes out the door. 

When she steps outside, she takes a deep breath and lets her tears fall. She cries quietly as she walks back to her apartment, completely foregoing her “plans” to buy candles. 

\---

Later that evening, Clarke settles into leggings and a loose tank top and sits herself on the couch. She’s opened a bottle of wine and has brought out two glasses that now sit on the coffee table. One is still empty. She has no idea if Lexa is going to even come at all. She hasn’t heard from her since that morning when Lexa suddenly had to leave. 

“Candles. Yeah right.” Clarke laughs to herself as she takes a sip of her wine. As she was setting the glass down, she hears a knock on the door. 

She opens it to find Lexa, bottle of wine in one hand, a paper bag filled with snacks in the other. She can’t help but look at Lexa from top to bottom. Lexa is in jeans and a tank top and Clarke quietly curses the world at how gorgeous she is. 

“You’re here.” 

“Of course. I promised, right?” Lexa smiles before stepping inside. “Starting without me, are you?” She says, pointing to the wine glass. 

“You know me and my wine, Woods.” Clarke says with a wink before sitting down on the couch again, while Lexa makes herself comfortable on the other end. 

It’s a small couch. I tiny two-seater that has been with Clarke since forever. She can’t part with it because it’s the comfiest couch she’s ever had. 

“So, where’s Raven?” Lexa asks, pouring herself a glass before she folds her knees up to her chest. She’s trying to avoid talking about the elephant in the room. 

Clarke laughs. “She’s been spending a lot of time with Anya, so she’s most likely at her place.” 

Lexa’s eyes widen. “No way?” 

“Yes way! The night we fo—er the night we had dinner, Raven spent the night at Anya’s!” 

“NO WAY?” 

Clarke laughs louder this time. “Right? She swears nothing happened though. But I dunno if anything’s happened since then.” 

“That’s why I can’t seem to get in touch with Anya these days. Looks like I’m gonna have to force her into a dinner soon.” Lexa laughs before she takes another gulp of her wine. “And Octavia?” 

\---

The two girls continue their light conversation, catching each other up on what happened during the two weeks they weren’t speaking. After a while, when the conversation was slowing down, Clarke decided to turn on the TV. Blackfish was on, and she knew that Lexa loved features like that, so she kept it running. True enough, a few minutes in, Lexa was engrossed. 

They watched silently, sipping on their drinks, eating a few chips. By the middle of the movie, out of habit, they found themselves cuddled on the couch. Lexa had gotten up to use the bathroom, and when she came back, Clarke instinctively made space for Lexa to sit in between her legs. Lexa, without thinking, planted herself in that spot, her back to Clarke’s front, leaning her head onto Clarke’s shoulder. 

The documentary was naering the end, by this time, Clarke was absentmindedly playing with Lexa’s fingers. Lexa, with her free hand, was gently stroking Clarke’s leg. It was when the show actually ended and the credits started to roll that Lexa realized what position they were in and she stiffened. 

Clarke felt Lexa’s body language change immediately, and she herself was pulled out of her own daze. 

“Sorry.” Lexa said, moving to get out of Clarke’s space. 

“No.” Clarke said, suddenly wrapping her arm around Lexa’s waist. “It’s fine. Just. It’s fine, okay?” Clarke tightened her grip, only loosening it when she felt Lexa relax again against her. 

They stayed quiet. Clarke nestled her face into the back of Lexa’s neck, breathing in her scent. 

“I missed you.” Clarke whispered. 

“I know. Me too.” 

“I was stupid.” 

“So was I. It’s okay, Clarke.” 

Silence again. 

“You broke up with Costia.” 

“I did.” 

“Why?” 

“I told you why.” 

“Not really. I want the truth, Lexa.” Clarke’s voice was a whisper now agianst Lexa’ s ear. 

Lexa took a deep breath. “I loved her, but I wasn’t in love with her. I was…” Lexa pauses. 

“You were what?” 

“I was in love with someone else. No, wait.” Lexa corrects herself. “I’m in love with someone else.” 

“Yeah? Who?” Clarke is still playing with Lexa’s fingers. 

“You know who, Clarke.” Lexa holds Clarke’s hand still. 

“I know.” 

Silence. 

“You know I’m in love with you too, right?” Clarke breathes into Lexa’s neck. Lexa shudders. 

“You’re leaving.” 

“What?” 

“In a week. You’re leaving in a week, Clarke.” 

“Lexa.” 

“No.” Lexa moves to stand, pushing away Clarke’s arm when Clarke tries to hold her down. 

Lexa is pacing now. 

“I hate this. I don’t -- I don’t get it. Fuck.” Lexa braces herself on the kitchen counter. 

“We can talk about it. We can figure this out.” Clarke says softly from the couch. 

“I can’t… you’re leaving, Clarke. In a fucking week. I can’t let myself feel this for a week and then lose you.” 

“You’re not going to lose me.” 

“You don’t know that.” 

“I do.” 

“I – I need to go.” Lexa moves to the couch to grab her bag. 

“Lexa.” Clarke says firmly from the couch. “Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare walk out on me in the middle of this conversation.” Clarke is standing now. 

Lexa still heads to the door. “I’m sorry, Clarke. I just… I need to go.” She turns the knob and opens the door. Before she can step out, she hears the faintest sob from Clarke. She steals a glance and can see that Clarke’s back is now to her as Clarke looks out into the city. 

“Do what you want, Lexa.” Clarke tries to sound angry but when she hears the door close shut, she can’t help the sob that escapes her lips. She braces herself on the window sill and lets herself cry. 

She jumps when she feels someone’s arms wrap around her waist. She turns around to find Lexa, eyes wet with tears. 

They’re standing so close now. One of Lexa’s hands is cupping Clarke’s cheek, her thumb wiping away the tears from Clarke’s eyes, while the other is tracing her jaw. 

Clarke’s hand is holding tightly onto Lexa’s wrist, the other gripping onto Lexa’s waist as if afraid to let go. 

Clarke holds Lexa’s gaze, and watches as Lexa’s eyes betray her. She can see fear and panic, but she can also see care and love. She can see lust. She swears she hears Lexa say “Fuck it,” before she feels Lexa’s lips pressed onto hers. 

Finally, she thinks to herself. 

The kiss is rough at first, the two women fighting to kiss the other one more. But then it slowly becomes soft. It becomes gentle. Lexa breaks the kiss, and leans her forehead onto Clarke’s. 

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.” She whispers into Clarke’s lips. 

“Then keep going.” Clarke responds before pulling Lexa back onto her lips. 

The kiss is much deeper this time, hungrier. Lexa gives in first to the desire deep within her. She traces Clarke’s lips with her tongue slowly, before Clarke lets her in. Their tongues dance against each other, easily finding a motion, a rhythm, as if they have been doing this all their life. 

Lexa’s hands slide down and find Clarke’s ass, cupping them firmly before lifting Clarke up. Clarke immediately wraps her legs around Lexa’s waist, never breaking contact with the girls lips. 

Lexa walks Clarke into a wall, her kisses deeper with every step. She sucks on Clarke’s lower lip, eliciting a deep moan from the blonde. Lexa smiles into Clarke’s lips before she moves to Clarke’s neck, sucking at the spot just below her ear. Clarke involuntarily thrusts her hips into Lexa, her hands now tangled in the brunette’s hair. 

“Fuck..” Clarke growls. 

Clarke’s legs are still wrapped around Lexa’s waist, and Lexa can feel the heat from Clarke’s center. Lexa pushes off the wall, still carrying Clarke, and walks her to the bed. When they reach the foot, Lexa lets Clarke down gently to stand, her hands slowly going back up to cradle Clarke’s face and neck. 

As soon as she is set down, Clarke’s hands grip onto Lexa’s waist, pulling her closer. They tug at the hem of her shirt, and Lexa complies, raising her hands as Clarke slides the fabric over her, breaking their kiss for a second before she crashes her lips onto Lexa’s again at once. 

Lexa’s hands move to remove Clarke’s top and immediately tosses it to the floor. Both girls pull away, breathing heavily, their eyes raking over each other’s figures. 

Lexa acts fast, walking closer towards Clarke, causing the back of Clarke’s knees to hit the bed before she falls down onto it. Lexa is on top of Clarke in seconds, one hand by Clarke’s head propping her up as she leans down to capture Clarke’s lips again. Lexa’s other hand is navigating its way onto Clarke’s body. 

Clarke’s breathing is heavy, her eyes are darker when she opens them as she pushes Lexa away. Before Lexa can question the push, her hands are working at Lexa’s bra and in an instant, that too is thrown to the side. 

Clarke’s eyes widen at the sight, causing Lexa to smirk over her. 

“You need to lose that too” Lexa says, pointing to Clarke’s own bra, and Clarke hurriedly unhooks hers and tosses it to the side. 

Lexa’s eyes widen, and it was Clarke’s turn to smirk before she leans up, pulls Lexa down by her neck with one hand, kisses Lexa deeply, while her other hand grabs Lexa’s breast. Clarke smiles into the kiss when she hears Lexa gasp and feels Lexa melt into the touch. Clarke is about to push Lexa off to flip her over, but Lexa holds her ground and pins Clarke’s hands to her sides. She leans into Clarke and starts to kiss and suck on the girl’s ear. 

“You first.” Lexa whispers, before her hands find their way to Clarke’s pants, her lips closing in on one of Clarke’s nipples. At the contact, Clarke arches her back and releases a moan. Lexa grins as she continues to lick and then blow onto the nipple, getting turned on at how Clarke is writhing beneath her. 

Lexa leaves the nipple and drags her tongue down Clarke’s stomach, settling on the spot just beneath the navel. Her hands hook onto the belt loops of Clarke’s pants, and before she does anything more, she looks up to find Clarke staring at her, breathing heavily, eyes full of lust. 

Lexa kisses the same spot again before slowly sliding down Clarke’s pants, untangling them from Clarke’s ankles. Lexa then starts to trace kisses along Clarke’s legs, moving up to her inner thighs, stopping just beside where Clarke needs her most. She can see that Clarke’s panty’s are soaked. 

“Fuck, Clarke. You’re so wet.” Lexa whispers, before blowing right above Clarke’s throbbing center and placing a soft kiss on Clarke’s mound over the fabric. That touch causes both women to moan. 

“Lexa… Please.” Clarke begs, as she bucks her hips up. 

Lexa hurriedly removes the cloth and comes back up to hold Clarke’s hips down in place with her hands. She hovers over, breathing heavily, teasing Clarke with the almost touch. 

“Lexa!” Clarke says more urgently now, her hands finding Lexa’s, intertwining them and holding on tightly, as she bucks her hips again forward. 

Lexa finally give in to Clarke’s wishes, and slowly runs her tongue into Clarke’s folds. She has to hold down hard on Clarke’s hips because the blonde is writhing beneath her, unable to control the pleasure she feels. “Fuck, Jesus Lexa” Clarke manages to breathe out. Clarke looks down and is so close to coming when she sees Lexa’s eyes locked on her as she continues to dart her tongue in and out of Clarke. 

Lexa continues, slowly going up and down, tasting Clarke’s wetness. She keeps her eyes on Clarke as she sucks at the clit, feeling her own wetness now as she hears the whimpers and moans coming from Clarke’s lips. She untangles one of her hands from Clarke’s grasp and without warning, inserts one finger into Clarke. 

Clarke almost screams at the pleasure that Lexa has to stop to make sure everything is okay. 

“Is this okay?” Lexa asks, out of breathe. “I can stop.” 

“No. Lexa, please.” 

Lexa smirks. She can see, she can feel that Clarke is close. She kisses the inside of her thigh. “What do you want? Tell me what you want, Clarke.” 

“More. Please. I’m so close, Lex.” 

At that, Lexa inserts a second finger and resumes sucking on Clarke’s clit. She moves in and out of Clarke, slowly at first, then pumping her fingers in faster, all the while her mouth remains on Clarke’s clit, circling it with her tongue. She feels Clarke’s walls tighten and she knows that Clarke has reached her peak. Clarke’s hands are in her hair, keeping her mouth pressed on Clarke’s pussy. She slows down the rhythm of her fingers, she lets Clarke ride out her orgasm in her mouth until she feels the grip on her hair lessen. 

Lexa slowly removes her fingers, and gives one last kiss to Clarke’s pussy before moving up to kiss Clarke on her lips, allowing the girl to taste herself on her tongue. 

“Fuck, Lex.” Clarke manages to say in between kisses. She’s panting as she holds onto Lexa, as they share soft kisses. 

Lexa grins as she kisses Clarke’s neck. She moves to look into Clarke’s eyes. 

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do THAT too.” Lexa says with a wink. 

Clarke laughs before she captures Lexa’s lips into another deep kiss. This time, when she moves to push Lexa down onto the bed, there’s no resistance. 

Clarke’s lips remain sucking at Lexa’s bottom lip, while her knee finds itself wedged in between Lexa’s legs. Immediately she feels the heat and wetness from Lexa’s center, and when she slowly makes contact, she has to stifle the loud moan coming from Lexa’s lips. 

“Clarke…” She hears Lexa say, with a hint of pleading. 

“Yes?” Clarke responds in between the kisses she’s planting down Lexa’s chest, making her way down to Lexa’s stomach. She then traces her waist, from hip to hip, with her tongue. Lexa moans, and her hands find Clarke’s head. 

“Please…” is all Lexa can manage as she pushes Clarke’s head lower. 

Clarke smirks as she lets Lexa guide her head. But she wants to tease her a little more, so instead of going straight for Lexa’s wet center, she goes lower and starts tracing her lips along Lexa’s inner thigh. She can feel Lexa quivering a little beneath her as she moves to kiss around Lexa’s mound. 

Her hands are slowly caressing Lexa’s legs, and she finally hooks her fingers into Lexa’s pants and quickly gets rid of them, leaving Lexa in just her panties. 

She can see right away that Lexa is soaked as well. She smirks as she brings her lips to Lexa’s center, slowly sucking on her clit through the fabric. Immediately, Lexa’s hips thrust forward, and feels Lexa’s fingers tangling into her hair, holding her head in place. 

She moves the fabric covering Lexa’s pussy to the side before sneaking in a quick lick of her folds. 

“Clarke!” Lexa breathes, more forcefully this time. 

Clarke slides Lexa’s panties down her legs, tosses them to the side, and with a quick smirk, she starts lapping at Lexa’s pussy, drowning in the sweet taste and scent. 

Lexa’s hands are clawing at Clarke’s head, holding her in place, while her body is writhing uncontrollably at the contact. She can’t control the moans that are coming out of her. 

Clarke begins sucking onto Lexa’s clit as she inserts two fingers at once, causing Lexa to gasp. 

“Fuck!” Lexa’ screams, and she rises forward to watch Clarke. 

Clarke can see the hunger in Lexa’s eyes. She continues slowly thrusting her fingers as her tongue leaves Lexa’s clit and she slowly drags it up her stomach, stopping only briefly to suck on Lexa’s nipples. 

She reaches Lexa’s mouth and immediately gives her a deep kiss, allowing Lexa to taste herself as she sucks on Clarke’s tongue. 

With her fingers still inside of Lexa, Clarke uses her other hand to wrap around Lexa’s waist and lift her off the bed. Clarke sits down and guides Lexa to sit on her lap. Lexa immediately wraps her legs around Clarke’s waist, her hands clutching onto Clarke’s back and shoulders. 

Clarke continues pumping in and out of Lexa, her rhythm getting faster and faster, as she sucks on Lexa’s neck. Lexa’s mouth is positioned right beside Clarke’s ear, one hand grasping onto Clarke’s neck, the other clawing at Clarke’s back. 

Clarke can hear Lexa’s breathing getting faster, her moans getting louder, as she is close to reaching her orgasm. 

“I want to see you.” Clarke whispers into Lexa’s ear. “I want to see you when you come for me.” 

Lexa whimpers at Clarke’s words, and slowly moves her head so that their foreheads are touching. Lexa’s eyes remain shut as she rides Clarke’s fingers. She releases soft whimpers and moans against Clarke’s lips. 

“Look at me, Lexa.” Clarke says. “Lexa.” 

Lexa manages to open her eyes, and Clarke can see how dark and heavy lidded they are. She can see how hard it is for Lexa to keep them open. 

“Will you come for me, Lex?” Clarke whispers against her lips before kissing her. She feels Lexa nod as the kiss is returned, she hears the whimper that comes from Lexa’s lips. 

Clarke then moves her thumb to start brushing at Lexa’s clit. Almost immediately, she feels Lexa’s walls tighten around her fingers, she feels Lexa quake in her arms. She sees Lexa throw her head back and can hear that Lexa has reached her peak.   
Lexa comes down after a while, moving to rest her forehead against Clarke’s. She is out of breath when she finally climbs off of Clarke’s fingers and moves to lie down. 

Clarke slides on top of her giving her a quick kisses on her cheeks, nose, and lips, before collapsing beside Lexa, her arm draped over Lexa’s waist, burying her face in Lexa’s neck. 

“Jesus, Clarke,” is all Lexa can manage as she tries to catch her breath. She turns to her side and shuffles her back into Clarke’s front. She feels Clarke sweep away her hair to one side before she feels soft kisses being planted onto the back of her neck. 

“Lexa.” Clarke says after a few minutes of silence. What they just shared was amazing. But Clarke knew that they still needed to talk. They needed to figure things out. 

“Sshhhhh…” Lexa responds. 

“We need to talk.” 

“About?” 

“You know what we need to talk about.” 

“Can we talk about something else?” 

“Lexa.”

“I know, Clarke. But. Can we just enjoy this first? Can we spend tonight just enjoying finally being in each other’s arms? I want to sleep because I’m excited at the thought of waking up next to you. We can talk tomorrow. We can figure things out tomorrow. Okay?” 

Clarke can’t help but smile. They do have to talk, about what just happened. What it means or what comes next. What they are going to have to do. But she gives in to Lexa’s request. And when she feels Lexa pull her in closer, she lets her. 

“Okay.”

She lets the soft, rhythmic, breathing and the steady pulse of Lexa lull her to sleep. She gives Lexa one last kiss on the neck before sleep takes over, a smile playing on her lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I obviously got carried away with this one. I was planning to finish this chapter later on in the week but I couldn't help myself (again) so I hope you liked this chapter that came up earlier than expected! I was too excited so I didn't get to check it for any errors, so if there are, I apologize! Will probably refine it later on :P 
> 
> I'm looking for more tumblrs to follow, so follow me (our-reckless-wild-youth.tumblr.com) and I'll follow you back, and we can gush and freak out over clexa related things! 
> 
> Again, kudos, and most especially your thoughts and comments will be SUPER appreciated!
> 
> Thanks for sticking with this! :)


	10. When Do You Leave?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa talk about what happens next, and Clarke gets a phone call.

Lexa wakes up suddenly a few hours later. It’s still dark outside when she opens her eyes, and it’s hard to make out anything in the room. She immediately turns to her head to see if Clarke is still beside her. She lets out a breath when she sees the messy blonde hair that’s by her shoulder, and feels for the arm that’s lazily strewn across her bare stomach. Her sudden movements seem to have stirred Clarke. 

“Lexa? What’s wrong?” Clarke says sleepily, lifting her head a bit, opening one eye. 

“Nothing, Clarke. Nothing at all.” Lexa reassures her, planting a kiss on Clarke’s forehead. 

Clarke hums in approval at the contact and shuffles closer into Lexa’s arms. She places a soft kiss onto Lexa’s neck. 

Lexa feels Clarke drift back to sleep almost immediately. She lets out a soft sigh when her thoughts are brought back to what woke her up. She dreamt that she had woken up and Clarke had left her. Clarke had gone to Seattle without saying goodbye, and had found a new home there, completely forgetting about Lexa. 

Lexa slowly shuffled their position so that she was could see Clarke’s face while Clarke slept. Clarke, even while being moved gently, kept her grip onto Lexa’s back, strong and firm. Lexa stayed awake for a while, staring at Clarke, memorizing the shape of her lips, of her nose, the way her chin was relaxed when she wasn’t awake. She stared at Clarke until her heart calmed down, until she felt safe again. She knew that in a week’s time, she wouldn’t be able to see this face as often as she’d like anymore. If she was being honest, she was afraid she wouldn’t see it until Clarke came back. So, fighting the sleep that was wanting to take over her, she stared and stared and stared, until Clarke’s face were burned into the back of her eyelids, until she could see Clarke, every single feature of Clarke, even when her eyes were closed. 

A few hours later, Lexa wakes again, but this time because of the sunlight in her face from the huge windows in front of her. She groans and turns, her hands reaching across the bed for Clarke. Instead, all she feels are empty sheets. 

No, this has to be a dream, Lexa thinks to herself. She can’t help the cry that comes out of her mouth even before she opens her eyes. 

“Clarke?!” 

Almost immediately she hears the shuffling of feet and she feels the bed dip. She opens her eyes and sees Clarke by her side. 

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” Clarke says, reaching to hold Lexa’s arm. “I’m here.” 

Lexa looks up and can’t help but reach out for Clarke’s waist to pull her onto the bed, at the same time nuzzling her face into the crook of Clarke’s neck. 

“I thought you left.” Lexa whispered. 

“Never.” Clarke whispered into Lexa’s hair before giving her a kiss on the forehead. “So… last night was…”

“Amazing.” Lexa smiles, looking up at Clarke.

“It really was.” Clarke grins back before leaning in to capture Lexa’s lips. 

Lexa raises her hand to hold onto the back of Clarke’s neck as she deepens the kiss. Clarke swipes her tongue against Lexa’s lips and smiles when Lexa opens her mouth to let her in. Clarke shuffles and moves on top of Lexa, her hand finding Lexa’s waist. Lexa lets out a soft moan at the contact, her own hand grasping onto Clarke’s back. 

They stay that way, just sharing kisses, hands roaming, exploring each other’s bodies. When their kisses and their breathing become more heated, Lexa pulls back, panting a little. She rests her head onto Clarke’s forehead. 

“But you are, though.” 

“I’m what?” 

“You’re going to leave.” Lexa says. “You’re going to leave me.” Lexa notices just how small she sounds. 

Lexa feels Clarke stiffen, only slightly and only for a second, but she still notices. 

Clarke lets out a gentle sigh before she lowers herself beside Lexa so that they are sharing the same pillow, staring into each other’s eyes, noses touching. 

“Lexa…” 

“It’s okay. I mean, I’m not mad or anything. I’m just stating fact.” 

“Do you want me to stay?” 

Lexa, who has been avoiding eye contact finally looks into Clarke’s blue eyes.

“Of course I want you to stay Clarke. I would give anything for you to stay, especially – especially after what happened last night. But I’m not going to let you. No. This internship is an amazing program, it’s an amazing opportunity, and you’re going to go, and you’re going to kick ass.” 

Clarke nods. She knows Lexa is right – even if she was willing to stay, it would be stupid for her to not accept the internship. And she knows Lexa loves her enough to let her go, even if it means being apart. 

“We can make this work.” Clarke says after a while. 

“Do you really think it’s a good idea that we start… we start whatever this is long distance?” 

“First of all, whatever this is? This – ” Clarke finds Lexa’s hand “This is us, together. Together, together. Okay? And second, I don’t care, Lex. I just want you.” 

“And I want you too, Clarke. But…” 

“But what?” 

“We won’t really have each other, will we?” 

Clarke doesn’t say anything. She just sighs. 

“I’m just afraid.” Lexa says. 

“Of what?”

“That if we’re together, as in as a couple, and you leave, it’ll ruin us.” 

“How will that ruin us?” 

“We’ll expect too much from each other, you know? That we’ll want and demand too much, and when one of us can’t give it, we’ll resent each other. And I can’t lose you again.” 

“You’ve never lost me, Lexa.” 

“I did, for two weeks. And I was barely functional, Clarke. You know what I realized from that? I realized that I need you in my life. I don’t care in what capacity, I just need you. I need to know that we’re okay. I need to know that you’re there. And I just feel if we get into a relationship right before you leave, it’ll put too much pressure on us to make it work, you know?” 

Clarke nods. 

“If we just… stay best friends, there won’t be too much pressure. Right?” 

“… I guess.” 

“So…” 

Before they can continue, Clarke’s phone starts ringing. She lets out a sigh before reaching over to her bedside table to pick up the call. She looks at the caller ID before she picks up. 

“Dr. Wallace, good morning.” She says into the phone, suddenly propping herself onto her elbow. 

Lexa stays in her position but keeps her eyes on Clarke. 

“No, it’s no problem, don’t worry Dr. Please, go ahead.” Clarke nods into the phone. 

Lexa notices Clarke’s brows furrow while she’s listening on the phone. 

“Oh. Okay. Uh-huh. Yes. So… So there’s a chance it’s earlier, but… not later, correct? I see. Mmhmm. Oh no, uhm, that’s no problem. I think, I think I can manage that. Yes, okay. Thank you Dr. Wallace, I’ll wait for your next call. Good bye.” 

Clarke puts down the phone, and says nothing, practically staring into space. 

“Clarke?” Lexa says, tapping Clarke softly on her arm. 

Clarke looks at Lexa “Oh.. sorry.” 

Lexa can see sadness in Clarke’s eyes. “What was that about?” 

“Uhm. He said there have been changes in our schedule. I might… I might have to go there sooner.” 

“Sooner?”

“As in in the next 2 – 3 days.” 

“Oh.” Lexa says, resigned. She can’t help it so she turns away from Clarke to get out of bed. 

“Lexa… please.” Clarke says, reaching out. 

Lexa lets Clarke’s arm linger on her shoulder before she sighs and stands up, wrapping the bed sheet around her body. 

“It’s okay, Clarke.” Lexa says, giving the blonde a small smile. 

Clarke sighs. “So what now? What does this mean for us?” 

“We’re friends. No, we’re best friends, right? We’ll always be best friends.” Lexa says, her voice breaking just a bit. 

“Always.” Clarke says, her own voice breaking. 

Lexa shakes her head. “I should go. Uhm, I’ll come back tomorrow, I’ll help you pack. I mean, if that’s okay with you.” 

“Yeah, I’d like that.” 

Lexa nods and heads to the bathroom to change back into her clothes. A few minutes later, she steps out and grabs her bag. She walks over to Clarke, who’s staring into her cup of coffee, standing by the kitchen counter. 

“I’ll – I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“Yeah, okay.” Clarke says, barely looking up from her coffee. 

Lexa reaches over to give Clarke’s arm a gentle squeeze before heading out. She shuts the door behind her and leans her head against it. 

“Fuck.” Lexa says to herself. She notices her cheeks are wet with tears that she’s allowed to fall. She wipes at them with the back of her hand before she makes her way back to her place. 

Inside, Clarke is still staring at her coffee. She can feel her tears just falling on her face, but she makes no move to wipe them away. What for, she thinks, she’s not going to stop anytime soon. 

She’s angry, and frustrated. It never seems to be the right time for her and Lexa, and she hates it. She knows, deep down, that Lexa is right. That it would be best for them not to start anything right now. Her internship is going to be toxic, to say the least, and she’s pretty sure she won’t have enough time for a relationship, especially if it will be with someone who lives in a completely different state. Lexa is right. It would ruin them. And she would much rather still have Lexa in her life as a best friend then risk ruining that by venturing into something they aren’t yet sure they can sustain. 

She pushes herself off the kitchen counter and heads to the shower. 

When she gets out, she knows she needs to at least get a head start on fixing her apartment, but she decides to just grab the emergency stash of ice cream in her freezer and plant herself in front of the TV to watch Netflix. 

It’s much later in the evening, and Clarke has been through a good number of Grey’s Anatomy episodes when her phone rings. She rushes to pick it up, hoping that it’s Lexa, but instead sees a different name on the caller ID. 

“Hi Dr. Wallace. I wasn’t expecting to hear back from you so soon.” 

“Hi Clarke. I know, neither did I. But I got word back already from Seattle.” 

“Oh.” 

“They need you there the day after tomorrow.” 

“What? Really? 

“Yes. I’m sorry, I know this is sudden, and I know that you thought you had more time, but it looks like they’re speeding things up. They want to get a head start on everything. Can you manage?” 

Clarke ponders the question for a while. She’s sure she can manage. She wasn’t planning on bringing a lot of her things, since she can stay at the house of their longtime family friend. She’s actually not even planning on coming back the month later, even if she’ll be allowed. After a few moments, Dr. Wallace speaks. 

“Dr. Griffin?” 

“Oh, sorry. I was figuring things out in my head. Yes, yes I can manage. Please let them know I’ll be there.” 

“Great. They booked you an afternoon flight, so you have until that morning to fix everything.” 

“Okay, thanks Dr. Wallace. I’ll try and swing by the hospital before I leave.” 

“Oh no need, Clarke.” She can hear him smile through the phone. “I want you to focus on tying loose ends and getting ready for your move. Just promise me that when you do come back, you pay me a visit right away.” 

“Of course. Thanks again. Bye.” 

“Bye, Dr. Griffin. Good luck.” 

Clarke looks down at her phone when the call ends. This is probably for the best, Clarke thinks to herself. It’ll be better that I leave already, just so things with Lexa don’t get anymore complicated. They have agreed that they’re still friends, that that is not going to change. She does her best to convince herself that this is the right move. She gets up and heads to her closet to bring out her suitcases. She starts to pack. At the back of her mind though, there are doubts that are slowly creeping up. 

Clarke spends that night and the next morning packing an fixing all her things. She decides on what she needs to bring and what she’ll leave behind. She gives Raven a call and assures her that she’ll still pay their rent regularly, especially since she’s leaving a lot of her belongings behind. Raven refuses, but Clarke remains steadfast in her decision. They agree that Raven and Octavia will drive Clarke to the airport. 

She has her things packed – two big suitcases with all of her personal belongings, and another two boxes that have all her medical books and equipment, and other things she might need once she starts the program. She’s stacked them in the living room by the door. She’s about to sit down on her couch when she hears a knock on the door. 

She has a surprised look on her face when she opens it to see Lexa. 

“Hey.” 

“Hey. I told you I’d come to help you pack, right?” Lexa says, with a soft but sad smile before she enters the apartment. 

“Oh, yeah.” Clare manages to say. When she shuts the door and turns to face Lexa, she can see that Lexa is looking at her packed things. “Lex…” Clarke starts, walking towards her. 

Lexa looks at Clarke then back at the bags.

“When do you leave?” 

“Tomorrow.” 

Lexa nods. 

Clarke walks forward. She is in arms reach of Lexa. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be. You have to go. It’s your career. That’s why I… That’s what’s best for you, and I understand completely.” 

Clarke takes another step forward. “Maybe one day, timing will finally be on our side.” Clarke says with a tilt of her head, a sad smile playing on her lips. 

“I hope so.” Lexa responds. 

They remaining standing in front of each other, so close but not touching. It’s Clarke who moves first, stepping forward and reaching for the back of Lexa’s neck. She pulls Lexa into a kiss, and Lexa lets her. Lexa’s hands find their way to cup Clarke’s cheeks and hold her waist. It’s soft, it’s gentle. Clarke pulls back and she can’t fail to notice the single tear that falls from Lexa’s eyes. Before they can say anything else, Clarke pulls Lexa back, their kiss much deeper than the one they just shared. Clarke continues to kiss Lexa as she backs her into her room. They continue to kiss each other, sucking on each other’s lips as they fall to the bed.   
Clarke is immediately on top of Lexa, propping herself up on her elbow while her other hand moves to start unbuttoning Lexa’s top. Her leg is in between Lexa’s legs, and when she moves, it presses against Lexa’s center, eliciting a soft moan. 

Clarke pushes off Lexa’s top while she moves to straddle the brunette. She sits up and pulls her own shirt off her head, while Lexa sits up, moving her hands to unclasp her own bra before working on Clarke’s. 

They are both out of breathe now, but they stay watching it each other for a while, hands exploring each other’s bodies. 

Clarke leans down to kiss Lexa again, memorizing the feel of Lexa’s lips on her own. 

She moves to kiss the spot where Lexa’s ear meets her jaw, remembering how much Lexa likes it, burning into her memory the sound that it elicits from Lexa’s mouth. 

She sucks on Lexa’s pulse point, before tracing Lexa’s collarbone with her tongue. She memorizes the way Lexa claws at her back at the contact. 

She moves down and takes one of Lexa’s nipples into her mouth as she makes a point to remember how Lexa arches her back, how her moan is deeper and louder. She cups Lexa’s breast with her other hand, memorizing the way it feels against her palm, the shape and curve and fullness of it. 

She drags her tongue down Lexa’s stomach, memorizing the way Lexa stiffens, the dip of her belly button. She kisses along Lexa’s stomach from hip to hip, memorizing Lexa’s curves and how Lexa writhes beneath her, hands gripping onto the sheet. 

Clarke unbuttons Lexa’s jeans and begins to pull them off her, all the while watching Lexa. She memorizes the way Lexa’s breath quickens, how her eyes are heavy lidded and full of passion. She memorizes how Lexa’s brows furrow, how she bites her lip. She memorizes the small nod that Lexa gives her, granting her permission to take her. 

She plants kisses up Lexa’s legs, stopping at the back of her knees to softly suck on that pulse point, remembering how soft and smooth Lexa is. She drags her tongue across Lexa’s inner thighs, purposely avoiding where Lexa wants her the most. 

She burns into memory Lexa’s moans, Lexa’s whimpers, the way Lexa pleads with her for more. 

“Please.” 

She slides off Lexa’s underwear and memorizes just how beautiful Lexa’s center is, glistening because of how wet she has become. She takes her time when she first licks at Lexa’s center, memorizing the warmth, memorizing the wetness, memorizing the scent, memorizing the taste. She burns into her memory the way Lexa says her name in between her moans. 

“Clarke…” 

She memorizes the way Lexa’s legs feel over her shoulders. She memorizes the way Lexa’s hips buck when she licks at her clit, and how Lexa’s hands find and grasp at her hair when she sucks. She takes her time, licking and sucking at every fold, at every sensitive area of Lexa’s center. She memorizes how much strength she needs to hold Lexa’s hips in place as she pleasures her. 

She memorizes how one finger causes Lexa to moan, how two fingers cause her to gasp, and how three fingers pumping in and out cause her to whimper and cry out her name. 

“Clarke!” 

She memorizes the way Lexa’s walls tighten around her fingers, how Lexa’s eyes shut, how her back arches off the bed, how her hips buck as she rides out her orgasm. She memorizes how Lexa whimpers and moans, how Lexa finds her hands and how she intertwines her own as she comes down from her peak. 

She memorizes the way Lexa shudders as she pulls out of her. She memorizes the feel of Lexa’s tongue on her fingers as Lexa takes them into her mouth to taste herself. 

Clarke memorizes the way Lexa pants against her lips as they share soft kisses, how Lexa instinctively wraps her arms around her waist and pulls her closer. She memorizes the way Lexa whispers I love you against her ear, and against her neck, how Lexa whispers I love you against her lips before kissing them. 

She memorizes the way Lexa feels in her arms, the way Lexa’s grip never slackens. She memorizes the way Lexa’s breath feels against her neck. She memorizes the way their legs feel tangled with each other underneath the blanket. 

She memorizes every single thing about Lexa so she can take Lexa with her in her mind.

She memorizes every single thing about Lexa so she can feel safe. 

She memorizes every single thing about Lexa just because she can. 

She memorizes every single thing about Lexa because after today, she might never get the chance to again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this sitting at a cafe, you guys can probably imagine how, er, difficult that must have been for me especially with the last part of this chapter. Lol!
> 
> Nothing's sure yet with the two girls, so I hope you guys aren't super disappointed! I couldn't help but include everyone's favorite scene from 3x07. 
> 
> Again, your comments and kudos will be much appreciated! I really love hearing what you guys think! Thanks to everyone who is still sticking with it! 
> 
> Catch me on our-reckless-wild-youth.tumblr.com


	11. Talk To You Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raven and Anya take another step, while Clarke and Lexa say goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took forever to come out, I'm so sorry! It's just, all the news broke about the shootings, then so many other things happened back home too, and in my personal life, that everything was just... I was just an emotional mess for a good few days to be honest, anything I read online about the LGBTQ community turned me into a puddle, I couldn't get to continuing this at all. Oh and then I just finished watching OITNB, and dammit, I haven't even begun to process that. Can someone process it with me? Sigh. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you're all okay as well. The last few days have been tough on so many people. The world is fucking scary.
> 
> Also, I forgot to say for the ones who have followed this from the start, I changed a few things in earlier chapters just to make things consistent. i earlier said that her parents were in Seattle, but then realized that in my first chapter, they were living in the same city. So, Clarke's parents are NOT in Seattle, and she'll be living there alone. This arrangement will come up again soon in a future chapter :)

Raven sets her phone down on her bed side table, sighing louder than she meant to. 

“What’s wrong?” Anya asks, looking up from the small couch she’s perched on at the corner of the room. 

“Clarke’s leaving sooner than expected.” 

“Really? When?” 

“Tomorrow!” 

“What?! I thought she had a week?” Anya exclaims, putting her book down and heading to the bed to sit beside Raven. 

“I know, I did too! But apparently they pushed up the schedules or something. I dunno. Was it like that when you went?” 

“Come to think of it, their schedules have always been very unpredictable. I think it just depends on… Actually it probably depends on whoever is managing the program. He or she must really want to start sooner. You should go see her.” 

“It’s okay, I told her I’d bring her to the airport tomorrow. Texted Octavia about it so we’re both going to bring her.” 

“Are you sure? It’s her last night.” 

“Yeah. I figure she wants to spend it with Lexa.” Raven shrugs, and gives Anya a sad smile. “I’m sure you’ve spoken to Lexa, right?” 

“Yeah. So you know too?” 

“What happened, you mean? Yeah. I wanted the juicy details, cause well, that’s just me. But I ended up hearing how… broken they are, I just. I want to give them this night.” 

Anya smiles. “That’s nice of you.” 

Raven smirks and gives Anya a wink. 

“So…” Anya says moving closer to Raven. “You’re staying over again?” Anya’s hand finds Raven’s thigh. 

Raven is a little surprised by the contact. “Y-yes?” She stutters. 

“Good.” Anya says before quickly moving to straddle Raven and leaning down to capture Raven’s lips. 

Raven is stunned for only a second before one of her hands reaches to grasp at Anya’s hip while the other finds its way to the back of Anya’s neck, holding her in place as she deepens the kiss. Raven licks at Anya’s lower lip and smiles when she feels Anya open her mouth and hears her groan when their tongues first touch. 

Anya’s hands, who have been holding onto Raven’s neck, find their way down to Raven’s hips, her fingers gently stroking the exposed skin when Raven’s shirt rode up. She starts to grind her body against Raven’s waist. This causes Raven to let out a gasp, as her own hands find their way underneath Anya’s shirt. When Anya moves to start sucking at the point just beneath Raven’s ear, Raven can’t help but claw at Anya’s back, lifting slightly off the bed in hopes of more contact. 

Anya’s hands venture underneath Raven’s shirt and she caresses the girl’s stomach and side, stopping just below the bra. 

At this, Raven pulls back from the kiss, very much out of breath. She puts her forehead against Anya’s. 

“Anya…” Raven whispers against Anya’s lips. 

Anya is out of breath as well so it takes a few seconds before she speaks. “Sorry, sorry. I got carried away.” Anya replies before placing a kiss to Raven’s forehead. As she moves to get off, she feels Raven’s grip on her hips tighten. 

“No. It’s okay.” Raven has her eyes closed. When she opens them, Anya can see how dark and full of lust they are. “I want to.” 

“Really?” Anya asks, her tone happier than she wanted to let on. 

Raven rolls her eyes. “You’re such a sap. And an idiot.” 

Anya raises an eyebrow at Raven and shakes her head, a tiny smirk playing on her lips. “You’re seriously throwing insults at me at THIS very moment? I mean, are you even serious, you want to start the sap argue—” 

“Just shut the fuck up and kiss me.” Raven growls, lifting her head off the pillow, her hand pulling Anya to her. 

“Oh I’m… going to do… more than… that.” Anya manages to say in between their heated kisses. 

Raven is already sitting up, Anya still on her lap, legs wrapped around her own waist. Their kisses are heated and hungry, hands all over each other, both fighting for control. 

Anya doesn’t even have to tug at Raven’s shirt to remove it, Raven does it herself. Anya does the same, tossing her shirt to the side. Her lips are back on Raven’s immediately, her hands working to unclasp Raven’s bra, while Raven does the same to hers. They pull back when they’re finally bare, taking the sight of each other in. 

Anya can feel Raven hesitate, so she reaches for her hands, slowly guiding them up her stomach, her sides, until they land on her breasts. She finds Raven’s eyes and gives her a nod. 

Raven moves forward to capture Anya’s lips again in another heated kiss, all while her hands are playing with Anya’s breasts. Raven smiles at the moan that escapes Anya’s mouth and can’t help herself when she pushes Anya down, straddling one of Anya’s legs. As she is sucking on Anya’s tongue, Raven slowly moves herself up and down Anya’s thighs, the sensation causing her breathing to turn ragged. 

Raven’s panties are soaked, and Anya can feel how wet and warm Raven’s center is as Raven continues to slowly grind on her thigh. When she hears Raven getting closer to her peak, she swiftly pushes her off, which elicits an annoyed moan from Raven. 

“Dammit!” 

Anya smirks as she flips Raven onto her back, then proceeds to stand at the foot of the bed. Raven props herself up on both of her elbows, panting as she watches Anya, the tilt of her head questioning why she got off. 

Anya proceeds to cup her own breasts, stopping to play for a while with her own nipples, before she drags her hands down her stomach, hooking her thumbs to her panties and slowly slides them down her legs, her eyes never leaving Raven’s. She smiles when she sees the way Raven’s mouth opens ever so slightly at what just happened, and almost laughs when she sees Raven visibly swallow and lick her lips. 

Anya makes her way back into bed slowly, tracing her nose on Raven’s legs, stopping to suck behind Raven’s knees, planting soft kisses as she goes up Raven’s inner thighs, stealing a quick lick of Raven’s center through the panties, dragging her tongue up Raven’s stomach, biting softly by her ribs just underneath the breasts, taking her time to suck on Raven’s nipples, tracing her tongue across Raven’s collarbone, before she continues to suck on Raven’s neck just below the ear. By this time, she can feel Raven writhing beneath her, whimpering with every touch. She can feel Raven’s nails digging into her back. 

Anya lifts her head and gives Raven a deep kiss before she hurriedly shoves her hand inside Raven’s panties, immediately using a finger to give a swift swipe over Raven’s folds, before she pushes two fingers inside at once. Raven was unprepared at how fast Anya’s movements were, she couldn’t help the loud moan that escaped her lips. 

“Fuuuuck, Anyaaa.” Raven screams before she bites down on Anya’s shoulder, her nails digging deeper into Anya’s back. Instinctively, she wraps her legs around Anya’s waist, and starts to grind against Anya’s fingers, moaning with every thrust. 

Anya’s wetness is building in between her legs, completely turned on at how Raven is squirming beneath her. Her center is pressed onto Raven’s leg, and she can’t help but grind against it to satisfy her own lust. Her own moans are getting louder against Raven’s ear. 

Raven notices how Anya is moving against her and decides to move her hand down in between Anya’s legs to start circling the girl’s clit. At the first contact, she feels Anya buck into her fingers and hiss into her ear. 

“Right there, baby.” Anya moans against Raven’s lips as she places their foreheads together. 

“You like that?” 

“Fuck, yes.” 

Raven decides to tease Anya, slowing her down the pace of her motions against Anya’s clit. 

“Don’t you fucking dare, Reyes.” Anya growls, her eyes opening to glare at Raven, as she thrusts her hips forward to meet Raven’s fingers. 

Raven smirks and immediately plunges back into the fast rhythm of her fingers, while she herself is thrusting her hips to meet Anya’s fingers. 

“Fuck, baby. I’m so close.” Anya says. She holding herself on top of Raven with her other hand, clutching tightly on the bed sheets as she nears her climax. “Are you close?” She pants. 

Raven’s other hand is grasping at the back of Anya’s neck, holding her in place. She leans forward to kiss Anya hard, nodding at the question. “So fucking close,” she breathes out, breaking the kiss. 

“Together.” Anya says roughly, and continues to thrust her fingers into Raven, all the while moving her hips faster against Raven’s fingers. 

The moment she feels Raven curl her fingers inside of her and swipe a thumb across her clit, she does exactly the same to Raven. She reaches her climax at the same time Raven reaches her own. She grips even tighter onto the sheets, biting down onto Raven’s shoulders. Raven lets out a long moan, her nails dragging down Anya’s back. They ride out their orgasms against each other’s fingers, before pulling out at the same time. 

Anya moves down to her elbow to keep herself on top of Raven, completely spent. She kisses along Raven’s jaw before giving her soft, gentle kisses. 

Raven has both of her hands now on Anya’s back, gently rubbing up and down, soothing the areas where her nails dug into earlier, as she returns the kisses being given. 

“Fuck, Anya.” Raven finally says, as Anya falls to her side. 

“I know.” Anya smirks, opening her arms, letting Raven cuddle into her side. She plants a soft kiss onto Raven’s forehead. 

After a few minutes, when their breathing has relaxed, Raven breaks the silence. 

“You’re not leaving, right?” 

“This is my apartment, Raven.” Anya says rolling her eyes. 

“No, I mean…” Raven’s voice is small. 

Anya suddenly realizes what Raven is asking, completely forgetting for a while about the conversation they were having before they had sex. In the short time they have spent together, she’s gotten to know Raven on a completely different level. And she knows, that despite the hard and cocky façade that Raven shows other people, inside she’s really scared and insecure over a lot of things. 

“Hey.” Anya starts, giving Raven a small squeeze. “I’m not going anywhere, okay?” 

“Okay. Promise?” 

“I don’t want to make promises that I can’t keep.” 

Raven shuffles uncomfortably. “Oh.” 

“No, wait. Let me finish.” 

Raven nods against Anya’s neck. 

“I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. There’s a chance I’ll have to take a job somewhere aside from here. There’s a chance I won’t and I’ll stay here forever. Point is, I don’t know what’s going to happen, so I don’t want to promise something I am not certain of. I’m not sure of a lot of things, Rave. There are only a few things I’ve ever been sure of in my life. One of them was that I really wanted to become a doctor. I was so sure of that, even as a child, and I did everything I could to become one. The other things was that I was sure I was a lesbian, and I was lucky enough to be in an incredibly accepting family. That’s about all that I’ve been completely sure about in my entire life. Until recently when I started… when I started seeing you differently.” 

“Me?” 

“Yes, you.” Anya shuffles so that they are facing each other. “I’ve known you since forever, Raven. You were that annoying kid who hung out all the time with my cousin and her friend. But then you became into this fucking attractive woman – so strong, so confident, so damn smart, that I knew I wanted you. And I know it hasn’t been that long – I mean, us as, you know, us – but this is one thing I’m sure of. Like I can feel it. I can’t explain it, but I. I just know.”

“Really?” Raven whispers. 

“Really.” Anya smiles, before leaning in to give Raven a tender kiss. “Now go get your phone, it’s been lighting up for ages.” Anya says, giving Raven a playful shove. 

Raven sticks out her tongue before rolling over to grab her phone. 

“Hey O!” Raven says as she rolls back onto her back. Anya is still beside her, head propped on one hand. She doesn’t fail to notice that Anya didn’t even bother to cover herself up with a sheet. 

Anya can tell that Raven is distracted, so she decides to tease her while she’s on the phone. She shuffles closer to Raven, hand reaching underneath the sheet to draw small circles onto Raven’s bare stomach. 

Raven immediately stiffens at the contact and bites her lip, all the while still on the phone with Octavia. 

“Uh, yeah. Mmhmm. Tomorrow, that’s right…” Raven stutters as Anya’s hands have moved lower, fingers teasing at Raven’s folds. 

“Okay, so what’s the plan? Can you pick me up? Or do I just meet you at yours?” Octavia says over the phone. 

By this time, Raven’s eyes are shut tight, and she’s biting her lip, attempting to stifle her moaning. Anya has set a slow rhythm, rubbing her thumb over Raven’s clit, while her mouth has latched itself onto Raven’s neck, sucking at the pulse point. 

“Raven?” 

“Uhh, yeah, let’s do that.” 

“You didn’t answer the question! Raven what the hell, can we figure out the plans for tomorrow please?” 

“Yeah okay, uhm, we can – fuuuuck!” Raven can’t help the moan that comes out as Anya slips in one finger, mouth now biting at her earlobe. 

“Wha—oh jesus, Raven, seriously?” Octavia exclaims. “Gross!” She says, starting to laugh. “You didn’t have to answer the phone if you were, you know, busy! Hey Anya!” Octavia shouts the last part. 

“Bye, Octavia!” Anya says into the phone. Before Octavia can respond, she grabs it and throws it to the couch across the room and moves to straddle Raven. 

“I was talking to her, you know.” Raven says, hands resting on Anya’s hips. 

“Oh, well if you’d rather be talking to her, be my guest.” Anya responds, raising an eyebrow and moving to get off of Raven’s lap. 

In one swift movement, Raven flips over and pins Anya’s body to the bed, leaning down and taking Anya’s nipple in her mouth. Anya instinctively arches her back at the touch, letting out a low moan. 

“I’d rather be doing this.” Raven smirks as she nips at Anya’s breast before dragging her tongue down Anya’s stomach. Raven keeps her eyes on Anya as she lifts the older woman’s legs over her shoulders. She steals a quick lick, and smiles when she hears a gasp and sees Anya throw her head back. 

Raven continues licking up and down Anya’s clit slowly, eliciting long and deep moans. Anya’s hands find their way into Raven’s hair and grasp tightly as she bucks her hips forward, trying to get more contact from Raven’s tongue. 

Raven holds down Anya’s hips, but allows Anya to set the pace, sucking at the clit when she can, drawing circles around it with her tongue. 

She hears the text message tone from her phone go off several times from the chair, but she doesn’t mind it. All she’s focused on now is the gorgeous girl beneath her, and how she’s the reason this woman is whimpering and moaning in pleasure. 

\----

Clarke awakes a few hours later, feeling rather cold. She can feel that her back is bare, the blanket having moved to cover her just below the waist. She is lying on her stomach, one arm underneath her body, the other curled in front of her chest. One of her legs is tangled in the sheets, thrown over Lexa’s body. She can feel Lexa’s arm still draped across her back, and can feel Lexa’s leg tangled with her own. She opens her eyes slowly, blinking away sleep, and the first thing she sees is Lexa’s face – calm, resting, beautiful in the soft city light that enters through the window. 

Clarke stifles back a sob she can feel coming. 

A strand of hair has fallen onto Lexa’s face. Clarke can see Lexa can feel it, as Lexa scrunches her nose, trying to scratch at what is tickling her face. Clarke gives out a small laugh before lifting her hand. She slowly, gently, pushes the strand of hair to tuck it behind Lexa’s ear. She lets her hands linger, tracing Lexa’s ear, Lexa’s jaw, cupping Lexa’s cheek. 

Lexa begins to stir at the contact, and Clarke feels Lexa lean into her palm before she sees Lexa’s green eyes. 

“Hey you.” Clarke manages to say with a sad smile on her lips. 

“H-hey.” 

Clarke presses a kiss onto Lexa’s forehead. When she pulls back, she sees Lexa crying. She presses their foreheads together. 

“Hey, shhhh. It’s okay.” Clarke finds Lexa’s hand and intertwines their fingers. 

“I’m sorry.” Lexa says in between sniffles. 

“It’s okay. I should be sorry.” 

“Why?” 

“For what happened. I didn’t mean to… I mean I know we talked about being just friends, but.” 

“It’s okay. I wanted to.” 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” 

“But this doesn’t change anything does it?” 

“… No.” 

“But we’re friends right?” 

“Best friends.” 

“Okay.” 

“But I l—” 

“I know.” Clarke says, closing her eyes to hold back the tears. She kisses Lexa’s forehead again.

“What time is it?” Lexa asks after a while.

“A little after 10, I think.” 

“What time are you leaving for the airport?” 

“Uhm. I think a little before noon tomorrow? I – uh, I asked Raven and Octavia to bring me.” 

“Okay.” 

“You can come… if you want to?” 

Lexa shakes her head. “No, it’s okay. It’ll just be… it’ll be too hard, you know?” 

“Yeah.” 

“I should go.” 

“What?” 

“You need to sleep before your move tomorrow.” Lexa says, making a move to get out of bed. 

Clarke grabs onto Lexa’s wrist before she can get any further. 

“Lexa… Stay? Please?” 

“Clarke.” 

“Please? We don’t have to do anything. I just… I want to fall asleep and wake up with you beside me. I want… No. I need you to stay.” Clarke manages to say before she lets out her tears. 

Lexa lets out a sigh before she pulls Clarke into her arms. Clarke rests her head in the crook of Lexa’s neck, Lexa plants soft kisses into Clarke’s hair. 

“Okay, Clarke. I’ll stay.” Lexa says, letting her own tears fall. 

The two girls hold on to each other tightly, both silently crying. Lexa can feel that her neck is wet with tears she is sure has become a combination of both her own and Clarke’s. When Clarke’s breathing begins to even out, Lexa syncs her own breath. They fall asleep in each other’s arms to the lull of their breathing, the steady and strong beating of their hearts. 

 

Come morning, it’s Lexa who wakes up first. She can’t help the smile on her lips when she realizes she and Clarke are still wrapped up in each other’s arms. 

She checks the time to see it’s almost 10AM. She looks back at Clarke, fights the tears welling up in her eyes, and gives Clarke a soft kiss. 

“Clarke, it’s almost 10. You need to get up.” 

Clarke groans and pulls Lexa in closer, nuzzling her face into Lexa’s neck. 

“Clarke.” Lexa says, a little more firmly as she pulls back to shake Clarke awake. 

“No.” 

“You need to get up. Raven and Octavia will be here soon.” 

Clarke sighs, lets go of Lexa, and rolls onto her back. She rubs at her eyes before sitting up. 

“Okay. Do you want coffee?” Clarke says, swinging her legs off the bed and getting up. 

“Yeah. I’ll just go get dressed.” 

“Okay.” 

A few minutes later, Lexa steps out in the clothes she was wearing the day before and accepts the mug offered to her. 

They sip on their coffees in silence, both standing with their elbows on the kitchen counter. Before any of them can speak, Clarke’s phone lights up. 

“Raven and Octavia are on their way here.” Clarke says, putting her phone down. 

“Oh. Okay.” Lexa says. “I – I guess I’ll head out.” 

“Okay.” 

Clarke doesn’t argue. She knows it’s better that they say their goodbye privately, without having to do it awkwardly in front of their other friends. It’s better this way, she thinks to herself. It’s going to be weird maybe in the beginning, but we’ll fall back into talking every day. We’ll be fine, Clarke assures herself. 

Lexa has her bag slung over her shoulder. 

“So… You’ll call me when you get there?” 

“Of course. Maybe even before that. You know I love making stories about people I see in airports.” Clarke laughs. 

“Well, then I’m expecting a good number of stories from everyone you see today.” Lexa smiles back. It’s a sad smile, but it’s heartfelt. 

They stand awkwardly in front of each other for a few minutes, before Clarke opens her arms, and Lexa walks into them. 

Clarke buries her face into Lexa’s neck hugging tightly at the waist. Lexa’s arms envelope Clarke, her face buried in the blonde’s hair. 

“I’m gonna miss you.” 

“I’m gonna miss you too, Clarke.” 

“You’re gonna visit right?” 

“Once both of our schedules are settled, of course I will.” 

“And you’ll watch out for my parents?” 

“They’re not children, Clarke” Lexa laughs “but yes, I’ll check up on them, don’t worry. They must be so proud of you.” 

“Yeah, they are.” Clarke smiles into Lexa’s neck. 

“I’m proud of you, you know that right? So incredibly proud.” Lexa whispers. 

“I know.” 

Lexa pulls back and plants a soft and tender kiss on Clarke’s forehead before she leans her own forehead against Clarke’s. 

“I’ll talk to you later, Griffin.” Lexa says, with the only grin she can muster in the moment. 

“I’ll talk to you later, Woods.” Clarke responds, with her own small smile. 

Lexa leans in at the same time Clarke does, and they share another long but very gentle kiss. 

“Bye.” Lexa whispers when they break apart, and she turns to head to the door. 

Clarke, still holding onto Lexa’s other hand, holds her before she can fully leave. She gives Lexa’s hand a squeeze. 

“Bye.” And then Clarke lets go. 

Lexa makes her way out of Clarke’s door before anything else can be said. When it shuts, she leans against it, taking a moment to catch her breath. After a few seconds, she pushes herself off the door and makes her way out. She runs into Octavia and Raven, but instead of making conversation, she just gives them a soft smile, a shake of her head, and a shrug of her shoulders. 

Before she can make her way past the two girls, she feels a hand on her shoulder. 

“I’ll come over later, okay?” 

“Thanks, Raven.” She nods, and hurriedly exits the building, gasping for air as she steps out. 

Lexa takes the long way home, tiring herself out completely so by the time she gets home, she falls into her bed and let’s exhaustion take her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this isn't as sad as the last chapter, and that the goodbye in the end was balanced out by Ranya in the beginning! Again, comments, whether good or bad, are appreciated! Kudos too! :) 
> 
> If you wanna ask or talk, you can message me on my tumblr at our-reckless-wild-youth.tumblr.com
> 
> Also, I just feel like I need to say this, because when I was down this week, reading things like this helped a little. So, I know this isn't much, but for anyone reading, please know there are people, like me, praying with and for you, and who are with you in these trying times that our world and our societies are going through. We are with you. You are not alone. 
> 
> Love is love, and i'm sending my love to everyone! xoxo


	12. Rainy Cities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke finally moves to Seattle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a very boring day at work so I spent it on this instead. 
> 
> So I added this note to the earlier chapter yesterday, but in case people didn't see it I'll add it again. I basically forgot to say for the ones who have followed this from the start, I changed a few things in earlier chapters just to make things consistent. i earlier said that her parents were in Seattle, but then realized that in my first chapter, they were living in the same city as Clarke and Lexa. So, Clarke's parents are NOT in Seattle, and she'll be living there alone. Why I decided to stick with this kind of arrangement will come up in a later chapter. Hope you guys enjoy!

The three friends have been packing the last bits and pieces of Clarke’s things and going through the apartment to make sure Clarke didn’t forget anything for around 30 minutes. When they were sure they didn’t miss anything, they gathered by the kitchen. 

“All set, Clarke?” Octavia asks. 

“I think so!” Clarke responds, taking one last look at her room and her bags. “By the way, I’m still paying for my half of the rent, Raven.” 

“Ugh, fine. You don’t have to, but if it will make you feel better, go for it.” Raven sighs. “But seriously though, no rush on payments, okay?” 

“Thanks Rave. But I’ll try to make sure I’m on time. Oh, you should bring Anya here too, so the house doesn’t get lonely.” Clarke winks at her friend. 

Raven turns bright red. 

“Spill, Raven.” Octavia says, raising an eyebrow. Clarke has a smirk and raises her own eyebrow at Raven. 

“Uh – I. Let’s load your stuff okay, we should go, you might miss your flight.” 

“Raven.” Octavia and Clarke say in unison. 

“I’ll tell you guys in the car, okay!” Raven shouts as she drags Clarke’s bags out the door. 

Clarke is still laughing when Octavia turns to her, eyes soft and with concern. Clarke can’t help but give a soft smile. Sometimes she hates just how intuitive Octavia can be, but these are the times when she’s incredibly thankful to have someone who can see right through her and understand. 

“I’m okay, O. I’ll be okay.” 

“We saw her on our way in here.” 

“I figured. But we’re okay.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes. At least I think so.” Clarke picks at her nails before looking back up at Octavia. “I’ll make sure we’re okay, even if I’ll be living more than 2000 miles away.” 

“I have no doubts you guys will get through this.” Octavia smiles, and gives Clarke’s arm a squeeze before she turns to head out the door to follow Raven. 

“Hey.. .O?” Clarke’s voice is soft. 

“Yeah, Clarke?” 

“Just… Keep an eye on her?” 

“You didn’t even have to ask.” 

“Thanks.” 

Octavia nods and exits the building. 

Clarke takes a few more minutes to go through her apartment, making sure she hasn’t forgotten anything she might need for her move, but also making sure she brings with her all the memories she’s made, of pizza and beer nights with Raven where they cursed at the world for their misery in the romance department, of more sophisticated wine nights when everyone would come over and Bellamy would make a fancy dinner, of nights spent alone with her laptop bingeing on Orange is the New Black with a tub of ice cream. She makes sure to bring with her the memories of all the nights spent with Lexa, of long nights going through med books and law journals, of early mornings watching the sun rise after spending an entire evening crying about someone who they just broke up with, of their moments together on the couch watching documentaries on space or squids while they unconsciously cuddled closer as the night progressed. She makes sure to bring with her the memories of the last two nights with Lexa, how their bodies moved as one, molding into each other, eliminating any and all space between them, of how everything else in those moments faded away, and all that mattered was that they were together, and they loved each other. 

She wipes away a stray tear that has fallen from her cheek before she nods at the room, and walks out to meet her friends in the car. 

\---

By the time they reach the airport, Raven has finished detailing the night she had with Anya. 

“Okay, you need to promise me that you’re still going to call me and tell me every single detail, Raven.” Clarke says as she clicks the final lock on her bag. “And, you’re allowed to do it anywhere in the apartment, but please spare my bed.” 

Raven can’t help but howl with laughter. “I promise to tell you all the details, but I can’t promise to spare your bed.” 

“Raven!”

“What? It’s a comfy bed.” Raven smirks. 

Octavia laughs at the disgusted look Clarke has on her face. 

“Whatever! Anyway, this is it! Gosh. I’m actually nervous.” 

“Don’t be! You’ll do amazing. Lincoln spent some summers there a few years back, he said he can let you know about good places to get a drink and unwind.” Octavia says, pulling Clarke into a hug. “Don’t be a stranger, okay Clarke? Stranger-ing is not allowed.” She kisses Clarke’s cheek. 

“Thanks, O. I’d appreciate the advice from Lincoln. And no, of course not. The world is smaller because of technology, so I’m not worried.” 

Clarke turns to Raven. 

“Don’t start, Reyes.” Clarke chuckles when she sees Raven’s eyes are going red. “It’s just for a few years, then I’ll be back. Plus, I promised you a bed, you’re going to get a bed.” She pulls Raven into a tight hug. 

“It better be a comfy bed, Griffin.” Raven laughs into the blonde’s hair. “You call me for anything, you hear me? Anything okay, and I will drop everything.” Raven whispers. 

“Thanks, Rave.” Clarke’s voice breaks a little. “Really, thank you. I have a favor.” 

Raven pulls away and gives Clarke a smile. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure she’s okay.” 

Clarke smiles, and her heart swells with love for Raven because like Octavia, Raven can read her perfectly. She pulls both girls into one final hug before she says goodbye and enters the airport. 

\---

Lexa wakes up to a pitch black apartment, except for the tiny light that’s emanating from her phone. She picks it up without checking who it is. 

“Hello?” 

“It’s raining. It’s 11 in the evening, it’s freezing, and it’s fucking raining.” 

Lexa smiles at the voice. 

“Well, it is Seattle. You knew where you were going, right?” 

“I did. I just didn’t think it would be this… rainy.” 

Lexa laughs. “Clarke, how many times have you seen Grey’s Anatomy? It rains there on that show. A lot. Of course it would be that rainy.” 

Clarke laughs. “It’s a tv show, I didn’t think… oh whatever. I hate the rain, remember?” 

“I do. I don’t know why though, I sometimes find the rain soothing.” 

“You’re weird.” 

“Proudly.” Lexa can practically hear the smile Clarke has on the other end. “Seen any ferry boats yet?” 

“I landed a few minutes ago. I’m waiting for the car that’s gonna pick me up to bring me to the apartment Uncle Kane got for me so I haven’t really had the time to look around. And. Well. It is the evening, so it’s just really dark outside. Oh, and it’s raining. I mentioned raining right?

 

“Yes, you mentioned raining” Lexa chuckles. “Your place though, it’s fully furnished, right?” 

“Yeah, thank God. I just hope it has a good, soft bed. I’m exhausted.” Clarke rubs up and down her arm, the cold getting to her now that the winds have picked up. “Hold on, the car is here.” 

Lexa stays on the line. She waits patiently as she hears Clarke greet the driver and get into the car. It’s a few more minutes before Clarke gets back on the line. 

“Lexa?” 

“I’m here. Is your place far?” 

“From the airport? I think a good half an hour?” 

“You should get some rest. I’m sure you didn’t get to sleep on the flight.” 

“I’m good, don’t worry. I don’t have to go in tomorrow. I have about two days to get settled.” 

“Oh okay. That’s good news! How was your flight?” Lexa props her pillow against the headboard and sits up against it stretching her legs. 

“Long.” Clarke laughs. “And you’re right, I didn’t get sleep on the flight. I don’t understand how people can get any decent sleep at all while flying. Plus, I was seated near the lavatory, so you can imagine…” 

“Eeewww. That’s the worst seat on the plane, ever.”

“Tell me about it. I was at least in the aisle seat, BUT I was seated beside a rather large fellow whose arm went over the arm rest, and across me was a mother with a baby who wouldn’t stop crying.” 

“Ugh, that sounds awful. I don’t envy you.” 

“You shouldn’t, it was the worst!” 

The girls continued talking for the entire car ride to Clarke’s apartment. There were no awkward silences or pauses, their conversation flowed as freely as it did when they were just friends. They were just finished talking about the latest Raven and Anya news when the car pulled up. 

“Oh, I think we’re here.” 

“Yeah? How does it look?” 

“It looks like an apartment building with a door.” Clarke laughed when Lexa gave out an annoyed sigh. “I haven’t been inside yet.” 

“I want a virtual tour once you get settled!” 

“Of course. Uhm, I gotta go and uh get everything in the apartment now.” 

“Oh. Uh, yeah sure.” 

Things suddenly went from comfortable to awkward in an instant. 

“Okay.” 

“Okay.” 

“Hey Lex?”

“Yes, Clarke?” 

“That was nice. I mean, the call we just had. It was… it was us. I like that.” 

“It was, wasn’t it?” 

There’s a pause. 

“We can do this, right? We can make our friendship work and go back to normal?” Lexa’s voice is soft. 

“Of course we can.” Clarke smiles into the phone. “It’s us. We’ll be fine.” 

“Ms. Griffin, are you riding up with us or taking the stairs?” Lexa hears a man in the background who must have been one of the movers. 

“You should go. I’ll talk to you soon, Clarke.” 

“Yeah, okay. Thanks Lexa. I’ll talk to you soon. Bye!” 

“Bye!” 

Lexa puts down the phone and cradles it on her lap. She’s smiling. She’s happy that she and Clarke can still be like how they used to be before everything got complicated. She’s happy that she still has her best friend in Clarke. Things will be fine, we can make this work. We’ll get through our feelings and we’ll be okay as just friends, having her in my life as my best friend is enough, Lexa thinks to herself before she shuffles down to get some sleep. She doesn’t deny though the slight twinge of pain she feels because she knows that that’s not really enough. 

She’s drifting off into sleep when her phone starts to ring again. She picks it up when she sees it’s Clarke. 

“Clarke? Is everything okay?” 

“It’s pink.” 

“What? What is?” 

“It’s pink. The walls to this apartment are pink!” Clarke’s voice has suddenly gone higher. 

Lexa can’t help but laugh. “Seriously?” 

“YES! And it’s not just any pink, Lexa. It’s fucking hot pink.” 

“Oh my god.” Lexa is full on laughing now at the predicament that Clarke has found herself in. 

“This isn’t funny.” Clarke groans. “I hate pink.” 

“I know! Which is why it kinda is though. It’s actually fucking hilarious” Lexa says still laughing. “What the hell was your Uncle Kane thinking?” 

“He wasn’t.”

“Well, you have two days. Paint over it first thing tomorrow!” 

“I’m kinda tempted to paint over it tonight honestly.” Clarke laughs. 

“You will do no such thing, Clarke Griffin! Sleep first, paint later! That’s an order.” 

Clarke rolls her eyes. “Copy that Commander.” She says in her most serious voice, but laughs when she hears the annoyed sigh Lexa gives her after. 

“Let’s not bring up that name again, shall we?” Lexa is laughing now, but it’s interrupted by a yawn.

“Your fault. You were such a geek for anything space related, you practically ordered us to call you Commander. You’re never ever gonna live that down, Woods! But anyway, go to bed, you’re tired and it must be close to 3AM there.” 

“What are you going to do?” 

“Just get out some of my stuff, fix the bed, and the bedroom so I can sleep too.” 

“Can we keep the phone on? While you fix? We don’t need to talk, I just want – It’s too quiet here at home, that’s all.” Lexa says shyly. 

Clarke has a smile on her face. They used to do this as kids when one of them was away on a vacation or on a school trip. They didn’t need to be talking all the time, and Lexa almost always fell asleep ahead of Clarke by just listening to whatever it was the Clarke was doing that night at her side of the world. It had happened so often before that after they talked, they never said goodbye, but instead just kept the phones on, and both girls went about the rest of their evenings. 

“Sure, Lexa, of course. I’ll put you on speaker, but go to sleep. I’ll just settle in.” 

“Good night, Clarke.” 

“Good night, Lexa. Sleep well.” 

Clarke went about opening boxes and bags, setting down her own bedsheets, fixing her bed, bringing out pictures of her family and friends, emptying all her bathroom essentials and arranging them by her sink. She didn’t say anything or try to talk to Lexa. She knew her best friend enjoyed just listening. Even before, it made both of them feel like they were with each other in the same room even if they weren’t really. It was a weird but comforting habit that they developed. Clarke was glad that despite what the two just went through, some things would never change. 

When she could fix everything she could fix, Clarke changed into shorts and a shirt and went to lie down, taking her phone with her. It was still on, and it was silent on the other end except for the sound of even breaths. She listened to the breathing for a few minutes, allowing it to relax her. A few moments later, she picks up her phone to whisper sleepily “I miss you.” before shutting off her phone, then rolling over, falling asleep instantly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, your comments and kudos will be appreciated! I love hearing from you guys, from the ones who have stayed with it from the start, and the ones who are just joining in. 
> 
> Shoot me a message on our-reckless-wild-youth.tumblr.com I'd love to hear from you guys there too!
> 
> Spreading love to the world, hope ya'll are doing okay today and that you guys have a good week ahead. :)


	13. Unwanted News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2 months later and both Clarke and Lexa receive some news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So work got the better of me that i haven't had the time to sit down and write. But here's a new chapter! Hope everyone enjoys!

Clarke was in the middle of going through charts of the post-op patients she was assigned to cover that week when her phone rang. So focused on the task before her, she picked up the phone without checking who it was. 

“Hello?” Clarke answers her phone, holding it in between her ear and shoulder as she reads through the latest update on a patient who just went through a double bypass. 

“Griffin! How’s it going?” 

“Raven.” Clarke smiles. “It’s good! It’s exciting and thrilling, but it’s fucking tiring.” She chuckles. 

“I can imagine. Anya told me how your days normally go. I don’t know how you can manage to go through 24 hour shifts and rest for only 12 hours before heading back to go for a 36 hour shift.” 

“I don’t know how we do it either, honestly. I think it’s the rush. All the adrenaline. And you know I feed on competition.” 

“Ah, that you do.” 

“So what’s up? Everything okay back there?” 

“Nothing, I just wanted to check on my girl.” Clarke could tell Raven was smirking on the other end. 

“I’m fine, Raven! Don’t you and Octavia talk nowadays? She called me yesterday and a few days before… wait.” 

Clarke can hear Raven stifle a laugh before responding. “Why?” 

“You guys are taking turns checking up on me aren’t you?” 

“Guilty.” 

“I would be so completely annoyed at you both right now if I didn’t love you guys a lot.” Clarke laughed. “Seriously, I’m okay.” 

“And you and Lexa?” 

“We’re actually doing okay. We get to talk every day, even if some days it’s just through text. We’ve skyped a few times when our schedules match. She’s been really busy too, right?” 

“Yeah, we’ve seen her a few times, but I think they’re working on a huge case so she’s been really buried in her work. But she’s good too. She looks good, Clarke.” 

“I’m glad.” At that, she hears her pager beep. “Oh hey, sorry, I need to go. Duty calls!” 

“Go and save a life, Griffin! Talk to you soon!” 

\---

It’s a Sunday, and the stars actually aligned in Clarke’ s favor because she had Saturday off, and was given Sunday off too. 

She rolls in bed, having just woken up from one of the longest sleeps she’s had in a while, and reaches out to check her phone. She’s got a few messages from the hospital, but those are just reminders about the schedule for the week after. She has a message from her mom, but what catches her eye is a missed call from Lexa. She quickly dials the number, and is greeted by Lexa’s face. 

“Hey! You called?” 

“Did you literally just get up, Clarke? It’s like 1 in the afternoon there.” 

“I’ve been on shift for almost 48 hours, forgive me for wanting to sleep in!” 

Lexa laughs into the camera as she moves around papers and books that surround her on the bed. 

“Working? It’s a Sunday.” 

“I know, but this case… it’s major, Clarke. I’m actually glad I get to do it from home today. We’ve been going home really late the past few days because of this.” 

Clarke yawns into the camera before responding. “You’re probably as exhausted as me, Lex! Take a break and nap or something!” 

“I know, I probably should.” Lexa says unable to stifle the yawn that followed after seeing Clarke yawn on herself. “I just really want to do good on this case.” 

Clarke laughs. 

“You’ll do great. You’ve always been an overachiever, so I have no doubts you’ll kick this case in the ass and impress your boss. Has she warmed up yet?” 

“A little. God, I hope I impress her. There are a lot of opportunities in this office, and I hope I get a chance to reap the benefits.” 

“You’ll do great, I’m so sure. Why were you calling, by the way?” 

“Oh. Uh, it was nothing.” Lexa says shyly. 

“You can tell me.” 

“I… I couldn’t sleep.” 

“Oh. Aww Lex, I’m sorry. I was out like a light.” 

“It’s okay, Clarke don’t worry.” Lexa smiles. “I know just how hectic your schedule can get too.” 

“So did you get to sleep?” 

“Not much.” Lexa responds honestly. She yawns as she wipes at her eyes with the back of her hand. 

“Sleep, Lex.” 

“I’m good, Clarke. I really need to get through these.” 

“Seriously, lie down Lexa.” Clarke says into the camera as she props her head on her hand. 

“I will, let me just…” 

“Now, Lex.” Clarke say sternly, although a smirk on her lips. 

Lexa raises her eyebrow. “And you guys call me the commander?” she says chuckling. “Fine, fine.” 

Clarke watches as Lexa moves her papers and books onto the floor before lying down. Lexa has propped her own phone against the pillow across her, and Clarke does the same, laying her head down on the pillow instead of her hand. 

As soon as Lexa’s head hits the pillow, she lets out a soft hum, suddenly realizing how tired and sleepy she’s been. 

“See? Feels good, huh?” Clarke laughs. 

Lexa gives a tiny nod as she lets out another yawn. She stays silent as Clarke watches her from the other end. 

Just when Clarke thinks she’s fallen asleep and is about to say goodbye, she hears Lexa speak, although barely audible. 

“Tell me something.” Lexa’s eyes are still closed. 

“Like what?” Clarke smiles. 

“Anything. It’s too quiet.” 

Clarke lets out a tiny laugh. Lexa has always been like this – unable to sleep, no matter how tired, if there isn’t some sort of noise in the background. 

“It’s a good thing I’ve been too busy and tired to give a shit about how my place still has the original pink walls. The colors I’ve ordered arrived today, though, so I can get to painting this afternoon, finally.” 

“What color did you get?” Lexa says sleepily. 

“I’ll show you when it’s done. I got a few so I’m still not sure which I want to use for what room, you know? Could be the same all through out, or I could change it up. Depends on my mood when I start I guess. Oh and I had dinner with my Uncle Kane the other night, which is like just the second time I’ve really seen him since I got here. He understands though, and I’m glad at least I have someone familiar to me that I can call.” 

Clarke pauses as she notices how Lexa’s breathing has evened out. When Lexa doesn’t say anything after a few minutes, Clarke knows Lexa has finally fallen asleep. 

“Sleep well, Lexa.” She whispers into the phone before getting up to start on her morning chores. She leaves her phone on, just in case Lexa wakes up, until she has to use it to make a call a couple of hours later. 

\----

It’s been roughly two months since Clarke left, and although she missed her a lot, Lexa was doing relatively well. She’s been so busy with work, trying really hard to impress the managing partner, Indra, that she’s been too preoccupied to actually mope around. She and Clarke have also been really good, having a routine of texting each other at the start and end of each day, letting each other know how their days went. They also skyped every time Clarke had a day off. Most of their calls were spent catching up, but some of it was also just the two of them doing their own thing while the camera was on. It’s happened way more that once that Lexa fell asleep while Clarke was telling her about a new patient, and Clarke has also fallen asleep on her way more than once while she was telling her about updates on the case. Neither women ever took offence, always understanding of just how tired they both were with their respective careers. 

On their last conversation, they had discussed how Lexa was going to be flown to Seattle for a few days by her firm as there was something she needed to get that was pertinent to their case. It wasn’t for another few weeks, but you could tell just how excited they both were, already trying their best to align schedules. 

Lexa was conditioned already that she wouldn’t be seeing Clarke in person for awhile, but after she received a phone call from a very panicked Abby, all that was going to change. 

“Answer the damn phone, Clarke.” Lexa cursed into the phone as she paced around. She had been trying to get a hold of Clarke for a good hour already, and she hadn’t stopped. It was really late but she knew Clarke was on shift so she would pick up sooner or later. 

“Hello? Lexa? Is everything okay, I’ve got like 20 missed calls from you.” Lexa immediately heard the worry in Clarke’s voice when she picked up the phone. 

“Clarke, Jesus thank God.” 

“What is it?” 

Lexa froze. She had been so focused on getting Clarke on the other line, she hadn’t really rehearsed what it was that she had to say. She had been holding back her own emotions herself, and was afraid that if she spoke, she would break. 

“Lexa?!” 

“Clarke, it’s Dad. Sorry, I mean it’s Jake.” Lexa shook her head. She had gotten so used to calling Abby and Jake mom and dad that it slipped through sometimes. 

“I know who you meant, Lex. What happened? Is he okay? Fuck.” Clarke’s panic was rising. 

“There was an accident. Or something. I don’t know all the details yet. Mom called when she couldn’t get a hold of you.” 

“Fuck. Fuck, I need to get there. I need…” 

“Clarke. Listen to me. Head to the airport first thing in the morning, I got you the earliest flight from there to here okay. Just head to the counter and give them your name, everything else has been taken care of. A car is gonna pick you up, Kane arranged for it. Breathe, Clarke, please.” 

Clarke wipes at her eyes, realizing only now that she’s been crying – more like sobbing – into the phone. 

“Clarke, did you hear what I said?”

“Airport. Tomorrow morning. A car is going to pick me up.” 

“Good. Now, I know this is going to be difficult, but go home, and get some sleep. Dr. Wallace has called your attending, so he knows you’ll be leaving for a bit.” 

“But – ”

“No buts. There should be someone waiting to bring you home too, so go to the front.” 

“Okay. Lexa?” 

“I’m here, Clarke.” 

True enough, when Clarke steps out, there was a car that picked her up and brought her home. Kane is inside and just gives her a hug, knowing that no words can really comfort her right now. When they get to her place, Kane helps her into her apartment and helps Clarke pack a bag with a few clothes for her trip before heading out to take care of other matters for the Griffin family. 

Clarke hasn’t said much, and has forgotten for a while that she still has a phone to her ear. 

“Lexa?” 

“I’m still here, Clarke. Are you in your room?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Okay, lie down. Get some rest, you have an early flight tomorrow.” 

“I… I don’t understand. What happened? Have you heard anything else?” 

“I haven’t yet. I’m so sorry, I wish there was more I could tell you. I promise to call you if I hear anything else, okay? Please just sleep.” 

“Stay on the line? Until I fall asleep?” 

“You didn’t even have to ask.” 

Clarke tucks the phone under her ear as she lies down on her bed. She lets the tears come, allows herself to sob. She doesn’t know when exactly she falls asleep. All she knows is that she falls asleep to Lexa’s voice. 

“Shhhh. It’s okay, Clarke. I’m here. I’m here.” 

\----

Clarke wakes up abruptly to a knock on her door. It takes her a while to figure out why she’s home on a day when she’s supposed to be on shift. When she remembers what happened the night before, she understands exactly why there’s such a heavy feeling in her chest. 

She grabs the duffel bag that’s by the door and steps out. She recognizes the driver as one of Kane’s and allows him to lead her to the car. She wants to talk to Lexa, but decides to call her once she gets her ticket and gets through airport security. 

When she arrives at the airport, she goes straight to the counter and immediately gets her ticket. To her surprise, she’s escorted by a ground staff through security and points her to the direction of the boarding gate. She gives the lady a small smile and a thank you, before she trudges to find a seat. 

Everything so far has been a blur for Clarke, and she is hardly able to really get a grip of her surroundings, so it takes her a few moments to fully see the person standing by the back row of chairs. 

She can feel the tears in her eyes start to build up, there’s an ache in her chest as she does her best to hold back her sobs. She tries to walk but can’t seem to move her legs. 

Before she realizes, she’s wrapped up in strong and slender arms, hands rubbing soothing circles on her back. The scent of the person in front of her is enough to break her, and she loses it, knees giving up on her, sobs escaping her lips as the strong arms catch her and lead her to a seat. 

“Shhh. I’m here, Clarke. It’s okay.” 

Clarke nuzzles her face further into the person’s neck, grip never slackening. After a few minutes, when her sobbing has ceased and she’s able to breathe a little more evenly, she pulls back to look at the person in front of her. 

“You’re here.” 

“I am.” 

“How?” 

“I took the earliest flight to here, and booked you and me on the turnaround flight heading back. I didn’t want you to be alone.” 

“Lexa, I – ” Clarke’s voice breaks. 

“Shh, I know. I’m here.” Lexa says again, wiping at Clarke’s cheeks, giving Clarke a small reassuring smile. “And I know you can’t sleep on flights, and I think you need to on this one.” 

Clarke nods into Lexa’s hand which she holds in place with her own. 

“Thank you.” 

“It’s nothing, Clarke. Come here.” Lexa says softly, pulling Clarke into a hug. 

Clarke clutches onto the front of Lexa’s shirt and buries her face into Lexa’s neck. Lexa continues to rub circles onto Clarke’s back. 

“Have you heard anything?” 

“No, dear. I’m sorry. All I know is that he’s at the hospital and he was brought into surgery when I left. I tried calling your mom when I landed, but it went straight to voice mail. He must still be inside. I had Raven and Octavia go to the hospital though to keep your mom company.” 

Clarke nods. 

“I can’t lose him, Lex.” Clarke whispers after a few minutes of silence. 

“I know.” Lexa responds, voice breaking just a bit. She knows just how much Clarke’s parents, especially her dad, means to her. And to Lexa too – they’ve grown to be like her own parents as well, and she can’t imagine what it would be like to lose Jake. She couldn’t lose him too. Jake was there for her when everything was going wrong for Lexa. He was there for her when her Uncle Gus wasn’t. He accepted her with open arms and treated her just like his own daughter. 

But she couldn’t let herself think that way and she couldn’t let herself feel the fear that was building up at the thought of losing him. Not now, not when she had a fragile Clarke in her arms, clutching onto her. She had to be strong. For herself, and for Clarke. 

A stewardess approached them a few minutes later and informed them that they could board the flight ahead of everyone else to get settled. Lexa had spoken to the crew earlier, and they were so kind and accommodating that Lexa’s heart was bursting with gratitude. Everything was arranged for them with no other questions, Lexa made a mental note to get them a gift when everything settled down. 

As soon as the plane was airborne and the seat belt sign had been lifted, Lexa raised the arm rest in between her and Clarke and let the blonde nestle back into her arms. She continued to rub soothing circles onto Clarke’s back while her other hand absentmindedly stroked Clarke’s hair. 

“Thank you, Lex. For being here. I don’t know how I would have ever survived this flight if – if you weren’t here.” Clarke whispers against Lexa’s neck. 

“It’s nothing, Clarke. I’ll always be here.” Lexa whispers back. 

Lexa can feel that Clarke is still tense and rigid, grip not slackening on her shirt. 

“Sleep, love.” She says as she kisses the top of Clarke’s head. 

Clarke’s only response comes in the form of a few soft kisses onto Lexa’s neck before she finally relaxes in Lexa’s arms and falls asleep. 

Lexa plants one more long kiss on the top of Clarke’s head before she closes her eyes to get some rest as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to leave things up in the air right now with Jake! I figured if I started writing the next part it would be hard to stop, so i had to cut it. 
> 
> I also started another fic, although I have yet to post the first chapter. I started it really just to relieve me of my writer's block for this fic, but things are looking up for that story as well. 
> 
> As always, your comments and kudos will be super appreciated, and if you wanna talk some more you can always catch me at my tumblr page: our-reckless-wild-youth.tumblr.com


	14. Promise Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa finally arrive at the hospital, and they attempt to get some rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a while! I had a bad week and was bogged down by a terrible migraine. Turns out I needed glasses, so here's to hoping these new specs will help with the migraines! 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy!

“Clarke.” Lexa whispers, giving the blonde a small shake. “Wake up.” 

“Hmm?” 

“We’re about to land.” 

“Oh. Yeah, okay.” Clarke says, sleep still evident in her voice as she sits up. She immediately misses the warmth that Lexa’s arms gave her. 

Lexa sets the arm rest down and helps Clarke fasten her seatbelt as they prepare for landing. After she buckles her own strap, she feels Clarke reach over.  
Without hesitating, Lexa takes a hold of Clarke’s hand and intertwines their fingers, rubbing small circles onto the back of Clarke’s hand with her thumb. 

“Lexa?” 

“Yeah?” 

“What if he’s…” Clarke’s voice breaks. 

“Hey, don’t think that. We don’t know anything yet, let’s not jump to anything.” Lexa says, turning to face Clarke. 

“I know I shouldn’t… it’s just hard not to.” Clarke says weakly. 

“I know. But we’re getting off soon, and we’ll head straight to the hospital okay. We’ll see him soon.” 

Clarke doesn’t say anything anymore and just nods. She rests her head against the back of her seat and closes her eyes as they wait for the plane to land. She maintains her grip on Lexa’s hand, and relishes in the comfort she feels at their touch. 

\---

As soon as they land, they are escorted straight through customs and security to a car that Kane arranged for them. They stay silent for most of the drive. They agreed to not get on their phones to ask for updates, instead just heading straight to the hospital. When they arrive, they see Anya and Raven seated at the waiting area, Raven’s head is in her hands while Anya rubs up and down her back. 

“Anya.” Lexa calls out when they are in earshot. 

“Lex.” Anya says standing up. Raven has heard them too and when she sees Clarke, she gets up immediately and encases Clarke in a hug. 

“Raven, is he…” Clarke says in the middle of their hug. 

“He’s okay, Clarke. He’s awake.” Raven says in the middle of her own sobs. Raven, also being very close to Clarke’s family, was suffering just as much. 

“Oh God, thank you.” Clarke manages to say before breaking down in Raven’s arms. The two friends stay that way for a while, taking strength from each other. Anya and Lexa move to sit, giving Raven and Clarke space. 

“Is he really, Anya?” 

“He… He is.” Anya says decidedly, although a small crease forms on her forehead. 

“But?” 

“But nothing.” 

“What aren’t you telling me?” 

“It’s nothing. He’s okay, Lex.” 

“Tell me.” 

“Tell you what?” Clarke says as she and Raven take the seats opposite Lexa and Anya. 

Anya is staring at her hands as she picks at her fingers. She lets out a sigh before looking up at Clarke. 

“Doctor to doctor?” 

“Doctor to doctor.” 

“Raven’s right. He is fine, and he is awake. But, he isn’t out of the woods yet, okay? I just don’t want you to get your hopes up. It was a long surgery, touch and go for a while, but the doctors were able to stabilize him. He has a few more surgeries in the next few days, which is why I say he’s not out of the woods. But right now, he’s stable.” 

Clarke takes in everything that Anya is saying quite calmly. She appreciates greatly that Anya is treating her as a fellow doctor, not sugarcoating anything. This is how she wants it, and she knows, being a doctor herself, that this is what families need. Families need the honest truth. 

“What happened?” Lexa says when no one speaks. 

“He was walking when he saw a girl, about 12 years old, trip and fall in the direction of the street. A car was coming pretty fast and I guess he figured the girl wouldn’t make it back to the sidewalk in time so he runs and shoves her out of the way. The car ended up hitting him.” 

“Fuck.” Lexa says under her breath. 

“And the girl?” Clarke asks. 

“She’s alive. She’s safe. He’s a hero, Clarke.” 

Clarke has fresh tears streaming down her face. 

“He’s always been a hero, Anya.” She says, with a soft smile as she wipes away at the tears.

“Dr. Griffin?” 

Clarke looks up to see another doctor approaching them. 

“Yes?” 

“Good, you’re here. You can come see your dad if you like.” 

The four ladies stand up to accompany Clarke before the doctor interrupts. 

“I’m sorry, but right now it’s family only.” The doctor says, giving an apologetic smile to the others. 

“We’ll wait here.” Raven says, taking Anya’s hand and sits back down. 

Lexa, who was holding Clarke’s hand, moves to untangle their fingers to sit down again. Clarke, however, holds on firmly. 

“Lexa’s practically his daughter too. She’s coming.” Clarke says to the doctor. 

“I’m sorry but…” the doctor starts before Clarke interrupts her. 

“She’s coming.” 

“Okay. This way.” The doctor says defeated. 

Clarke turns back to Anya and Raven before leaving. “We’ll see you in a bit, okay. I love you both.” 

\---

Clarke slides the door to Jake’s room open quietly. Abby is seated by Jake’s side, holding his hand, head on his lap. Jake looks to be sleeping peacefully, although evidence of the accident shows in his face with a few scratches. She and Lexa enter the door and the small noise they make alerts Abby to their presence. Abby lifts her head, and as soon as she sees the two girls, she give them both tired smiles before standing up. 

She takes Clarke in her arms and both release the breath’s they did not realize they were holding and give tiny sobs. Lexa moves to untangle her hand from Clarke’s so that Clarke can hug Abby properly, but Clarke’s grip remains strong. Instead, Abby lets go of Clarke for a second before she pulls Lexa into her arms as well. Lexa’s eyes well up with tears and she can’t do anything else but wrap her other arm around Abby too. 

“Can I get a hug?” 

Jake’s low voice is raspy, most likely from a very dry throat as he speaks. 

“Dad.” Clarke says immediately and rushes to his side, still dragging Lexa with her. 

“Hey kid.” Jake says, raising his hand a few inches to give a small wave. 

“Jake.” Lexa starts. “How are you?” 

Jake gives Lexa a stern look and doesn’t answer her. 

“Sorry. I meant Dad. How are you feeling, Dad?” 

“That’s more like it, squirt.” Jake smiles and motions for Lexa to move to his other side. This is the only time Clarke has let go of her hand to allow Lexa to take a place across her. 

Clarke and Lexa each take one hand of Jake’s as they settle in beside him. Abby stands at the foot of the bed. 

Clarke can’t seem to speak for a while as she takes in the feel of her dad’s hand in her own, and the sight of his injuries. The superficial cuts don’t look so bad, but Clarke knows, because of everything hooked to him and his IV, that Anya was right, he isn’t out of the woods just yet. 

“I’m here, girls. I’m okay.” Jake manages to whisper giving both a small smile. 

“I was so worried, dad.” Clarke said after taking a deep breath. 

“I know, kid. I’m sorry.” 

“Dad, don’t be. Just rest, okay. Rest so you can heal.” Clarke gives her dad’s hand a squeeze before standing up to talk to her mom. 

Jake just nods to Clarke and lets her go before he looks to Lexa. 

“Thank you.” 

“For what Ja --, Dad?” Lexa corrects herself. 

“Abby told me you picked her up to bring her here.” 

“Oh. That was nothing. I just, I didn’t want her to be alone. It’s a pretty long flight when you have a lot on your mind.” 

“Still, squirt. Thank you. You’ve always been so good to her, and to us.” 

Lexa doesn’t really know what to say so she just squeezes his hand and gives him a small smile. 

“Promise me something?” Jake’s voice is a whisper now, so Lexa has to lean in. 

“Anything, dad.” 

“If anything happens… take care of her, okay? And Abby?” 

“Nothing’s gonna happen. You’re fine.” 

Jake gives a small laugh before becoming serious again. “Please, Lexa. We both know Clarke and how she copes with difficulties or loss. She’s going to need you.” 

Lexa hesitates. 

 

“Promise me.” 

“I promise, dad.” Lexa manages to say before she lets out a tiny sob. She buries her head into his shoulder and cries silently as Jake leans his own head against hers. 

“I love you, squirt.” 

“I love you too, dad.” 

As Lexa and Jake are having their own conversation, Clarke is talking to her mom about Jake’s condition. 

“What else is he in for, mom?” 

Abby wipes at her eyes, tired from all the crying and lack of sleep. 

“I’m not going to lie Clarke, he’s stable now, but he has a few more surgeries coming up. Every single surgery has its risks, but the ones he has to go through, their risks are higher.” 

“What does he have to undergo still?” 

“He broke a few ribs, and one of it punctured his lung. The doctors managed to fix it temporarily, but they have to go back in to make sure it doesn’t collapse. They have to make sure to drain it too because I think some fluids entered.” 

Even as a doctor herself, Clarke winces at what needs to be done. 

“He also hit his head pretty bad, and there’s some internal bleeding in the brain that they’re going to have to fix. That’s the riskiest one.” 

Abby pauses a bit to gather herself. 

“I don’t know Clarke. I’m just… I’m so worried.” She says, finally breaking. 

Clarke immediately wraps her mom in her arms, holding her tight. 

“Shh. It’s okay mom. He’ll be okay. We’ll get through this.” 

Just as her mom is calming down, there’s a knock on the door. 

“I’m sorry to interrupt, but since Mr. Griffin will be having another one of his operations later this afternoon, we need him to get all the rest he can get. I’m so sorry but we have to cut your visit short. You can come back in the afternoon before we wheel him into surgery.” The doctor from earlier says as she pops in the room, giving everyone a reassuring and warm smile. 

Clarke, Lexa, and Abby all huddle around Jake’s bed as they do what they can to manage a group hug. Jake whispers an ‘I love you’ to each of them as they lean down to kiss his forehead. 

As they are exiting, the doctor addresses them again. 

“Dr. Griffin?” 

Both Clarke and Abby look to the doctor. 

“Oh, sorry. I mean the Mrs. Griffin. You can stay if you want. It’s not in our policy but being you work here as one of the top surgeons, you can stay.” 

“Thank you.” Abby replies giving the doctor a small smile. She looks back to Lexa and Clarke and engulfs them in a hug again. 

“Get some rest, you two. Take a nap. I’ll see you both this afternoon, okay? I love you both.” 

“Love you, mom.” Clarke and Lexa say in unison before they exit the room. 

As soon as their outside, Lexa can feel Clarke searching for her hand and she immediately allows Clarke to take hers, intertwining their fingers, as they walk back to the lobby. Before they meet back up with Raven and Anya, Lexa slows down to a halt. 

“I’ll take you home? I think sleeping on a familiar bed will do you good.” 

“Okay. Stay with me?” Clarke’s voice is small. 

“Of course.” 

When they get to the lobby, Anya and Raven say that they’ll go back to Anya’s place so that Clarke and Lexa can rest at the apartment. Clarke gives Raven an appreciative nod and gives both she and Anya a hug goodbye. 

 

Clarke and Lexa are driven to her apartment, and they deposit their bags in the bedroom when they arrive. Lexa makes a quick stop to the restroom, and when she steps out, she notices the door to the balcony slightly ajar. 

She steps out and is greeted by the cool morning air and sees Clarke staring out into the city, elbows leaning on the railing. She makes her way quietly to stand behind Clarke, and on instinct, moves to wrap both arms around Clarke’s waist, resting her chin on Clarke’s shoulder. 

She immediately feels Clarke relax in her arms, and hears the small sigh that escapes the blonde’s lips. 

“You should get some rest, Clarke. You slept on the flight, but I’m sure it wasn’t restful.” 

“I know, Lex, I know. I just… I can’t right now, you know? I feel like I can’t breathe right, I need. I just need the air.” 

Lexa nods into Clarke’s shoulder. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be.” Lexa reassures her. “I understand. What about taking a shower? That might make you feel better?” 

Clarke turns her heads lightly, a tiny smirk on her lips. “Are you saying I smell, Woods?” 

Lexa chuckles, her breath tickling Clarke’s ear. “Well… Not exactlyyyy.” Lexa smirks back. 

“Rude!” Clarke scoffs, feigning hurt. 

“No, seriously. I just think it’ll help calm your nerves. Then we can stay out here all you want so you can get the air you need, okay?” 

“Yeah, okay. Thanks, Lex.” 

“No problem, Clarke.” Lexa whispers as she lets the blonde go. 

Clarke spends a good amount of time in the shower, standing under the hot water, watching as steam rises from her body. She’s sure she is crying, out of fear, worry, and exhaustion, but can’t really tell as her own tears mix with the water from the shower head. She leans her forehead against the cool tile, taking deep breaths in her attempt to stay calm. She doesn’t know how long she stays in there, but only decides to turn the water off when she notices that the hot water is running out. 

She towel dries her hair and runs through it quickly with a brush before putting it up in a messy bun. She puts on a big hoodie and some sweatpants before stepping out back into her room. 

She notices that Lexa isn’t there, but sees that the balcony door is open again, and steps out to look for Lexa. The sight that greets her almost immediately brings tears to her eyes.   
The lounge chair is covered in her thick sheets, blankets and pillows. Lexa, who also apparently just took a shower, is seated with her back leaning against the chair, legs crossed as if sitting like a child. She’s changed as well into a hoodie and sweat pants, and the small table beside her has a steaming mug of what Clarke can only guess must be hot chocolate. 

“Come here, you.” Lexa whispers, giving Clarke a small smile as she untangles and opens up her legs so her knees are raised, and taps the space in front of her. 

Clarke slowly takes the seat being offered, shuffling her body so her back is to Lexa’s front, before she leans back onto Lexa with a sigh, her head settling onto Lexa’s shoulder. 

Lexa adjusts the blankets so they are both snug underneath their makeshift couch, and hands Clarke the mug of hot chocolate. Clarke wraps her tiny hands around the mug warming her hands, while Lexa’s hands wrap around Clarke’s waist. 

“There’s only one.” Clarke says about the drink. 

“You never finish yours, I figured we’d just share.” 

Clarke smiles and her heart warms at how Lexa knows her so well. She takes a small sip and brings it up to Lexa’s lips. Lexa shakes her head though, giving a small ‘no thanks’ so Clarke sets the mug down again. Lexa pulls Clarke closer to her as she leans back into the chair, happy when she feels Clarke relax into her arms. 

They stay silent for a bit, and Lexa is about to fall asleep when Clarke suddenly speaks.   
“Thank you.”

“For what?” 

“For this. For being here. I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here with me.” 

Lexa doesn’t respond immediately, but instead plants a soft kiss onto the back of Clarke’s neck before she nestles her face into the crook. 

“It’s nothing, Clarke. I’m always going to be here for you, okay? Come on, let’s try and get some rest. 

Clarke lifts up one of Lexa’s hands and kisses her fingertips before she nods and leans onto Lexa, closing her eyes. 

A few minutes goes by as Clarke tries her best to relax, but her mind is racing as sh worries about her father that she can’t help but feel the slight panic that is rising in her. Her breath is quickening as she tries to breathe normally, her shoulders are hunched and her grip on Lexa’s arms tightens. 

Lexa immediately feels the change, but instead of freaking out, she simply holds onto Clarke tighter while whispering in her ear. 

“Hey, it’s okay. Breathe, Clarke. Come on, breathe with me, okay?” Lexa takes a deep breath in for four counts, then exhales for 8 counts. 

“Come on, Clarke.” She coaxes, as she takes another deep breath in, before exhaling for 8 counts. 

She continues her breathing pattern, making sure to do it by Clarke’s ear so the blonde can hear her. After a while, she feels their breathing starting to sync, and Clarke’s grasp on her arm start to loosen. 

“Good.” Lexa whispers into Clarke’s ear, giving her cheek a soft peck. 

“Sorry.” Clarke sniffles as she leans back against Lexa. “I’m just a little overwhelmed.” 

“Hey, there’s no reason to be sorry, okay? Yes, you’re overwhelmed. And you’re exhausted too. Try and sleep. Is there anything I can do?” 

“Just stay here with me?” Clarke says, turning her head slightly to nestle it onto Lexa’s neck. 

“Always.” Lexa whispers, planting a soft kiss onto Clarke’s head. She maintains her grip on Clarke’s waist with one hand while the other draws lazy circles onto Clarke’s arm, knowing that this lulls the blonde to sleep. 

True enough, a few minutes later, she feels Clarke fully relax into her arms, her breathing evening out as she drifts further into slumber.

Lexa takes the opportunity to lean her head back as well to try and get a few hours of sleep. She finally feels the exhaustion of the last two days, her eyelids feel like they have weights attached to them. She’s been running on adrenaline since she first got the call, and hasn’t had much sleep herself because of everything she had to arrange to get Clarke back home. After seeing Jake awake and responsive though, She feels much better after seeing Jake awake and responsive, and although she knows that he’s got a long road ahead, she’s a little more relaxed. With that knowledge, and with Clarke now resting in her arms, the worst had to be over right?

Or so she thought. 

A few hours later, Lexa is awoken suddenly by her phone ringing. She quickly reaches to pick it up before it can wake Clarke. 

“Hello?” Lexa’s voice is groggy. 

“Lexa.” 

“Anya? Is everything okay?” Anya’s stern voice stirs her and surely wakes her up. 

“You guys need to get here. To the hospital.” 

“What? Why? What happened?” 

“Just. Now, Lex.” 

“Okay. Okay, we’re on our way.” 

“Lexa?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Hurry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger and for still leaving things for Jake, and Clexa, very much up in the air and for interpretation. I honestly haven't decided yet which way this is gonna go... It might depend on my mood as I write it, but I'm excited to see where I end up taking this!
> 
> Would appreciate your comments and feedback, as usual! And if you wanna chat more, hit me up at my tumblr: our-reckless-wild-youth.tumblr.com 
> 
>  
> 
> xoxo


	15. Hold Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One week later, and things don't look good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm so sorry I wasn't able to update sooner! I kind went through one of my low spells, and didn't really have the energy to do anything. But I've been feeling a little better now, i'm going up the slope in my emotional rollercoaster, so i made the most of it and typed this up! Hope you guys enjoy!

One week later 

Clarke was brought back to reality by a faint knock on the door. Wiping at her eyes with the backs of her hands, she realizes that it’s already the morning, although the sun isn’t shining into her room. It’s pouring out, rain drops hitting loudly against the window panes as if trying to knock it down. The sky lights up every few seconds, as if hundreds of people are taking pictures with their camera flashes on full blast, while the soft rumbling sound of thunder makes the entire city shake. 

She hears another knock on the door followed by a soft, timid, and hesitant voice. 

“Clarke?” 

Clarke squeezes her eyes shut and bites her lip. She balls her hands into fists and takes a few deep breaths to steady herself, concentrating on making sure her voice doesn’t crack when she answers. 

“Yeah?” 

Clarke hears the door creak open. A pause. Then she hears light feet walk a few steps before hearing the door close again. 

“We have to go soon.” 

“I know.” 

A small awkward cough. “The car is here, it’s just waiting for us outside.” 

“Thanks.” 

“Clarke, the rest of the group is waiting – ”

“I know!” Clarke replies, a little too harshly. 

There’s a sharp intake of breath before she hears the doorknob being turned, the door creaking open. 

She takes in another deep breath before calling out. 

“L-Lex.” This time, her voice finally cracks. 

Almost immediately, the space behind her on the bed dips, and she feels strong and lithe arms wrapping around her, Lexa’s body molding so easily into her back. She feels her hair being swept to one side then shudders slightly at the small kisses being planted on her shoulders and the back of her neck. 

“I’m sorry.” Clarke says quietly, afraid that if she speaks any louder she might break. 

“Shhh. It’s okay.” Lexa whispers into her neck. “I didn’t mean to push. We don’t have to go yet if you’re not ready.” 

“No, I know. I just… ” she sighs loudly before turning around to face Lexa. “I’m sorry for snapping at you.” 

“It’s fine, Clarke.” Lexa responds, giving Clarke a kiss on the forehead. “Really.” 

Clarke buries her face into Lexa’s neck, inhaling in the familiar and comforting scent of Lexa. She allows a few of her tears to fall and gives a soft kiss to Lexa’s neck before she pulls back and wipes at her eyes. 

“Let’s go.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Okay, come on.” 

Clarke and Lexa get up from bed, both smoothing out the dresses they are wearing. They walk arm in arm as they exit the building. The rain has since ceased, and they make their way to the car where both Anya and Raven are waiting. After exchanging quick hugs, they get in and the car drives off. 

\----

The crowd has significantly thinned out, but Clarke can feel a new set of tears well up in her eyes as her close friends each make their way to her. Monty and Jasper each give her quick hugs and small kisses on the cheek, while Bellamy engulfs her in his arms and holds her tight and kisses the top of her head. Lincoln, who has never been one to show much emotion, gives her a warm embrace as well and a soft sweet kiss on her cheek. Octavia, who still has tears in her own eyes pulls Clarke in and holds on tight. She lifts her head to motion to Raven, and soon enough, the three friends are clutching onto each other as soft sobs escape each of them. The three women have always had a special bond, and they have always come together through every major milestone in their lives. This was no different. 

A few minutes pass before the three girls separate, and as everyone leaves, Clarke takes a few steps to the front before sinking to her knees. 

The ground is moist from the rain, and the sharp blades of grass tickle her skin, but she doesn’t care. She sits on her heels as her palms find the ground, hands gripping onto the grass in the attempt to calm herself. She takes a few more deep breaths before she sweeps away the few leaves that have fallen onto the flat stone in front of her. When it’s clear, her fingers trace over the letters, forming words she never ever wanted to see. 

In Loving Memory of  
Jacob Clark Griffin  
May We Meet Again 

She doesn’t know how long she stays there, on her knees aimlessly tracing the engraved words, but she doesn’t move. She stays, silently crying as memories of she and her father fill her mind, her tears dropping onto the tombstone in front of her. She stays until her tears are replaced with at first a few rain drops, and then by rain that has picked up and is beating down on her harder. She lifts her face to the skies, allowing the rain to fall on her face, mixing with the tears that don’t stop. She stays until she feels arms wrap around her, lifting her up onto her feet. She stays until she can’t fight her way out of the strong arms that are leading her into a car. 

Clarke finds herself wrapped in Abby’s arms as the car drives away, the cemetery slowly fading into the background as they drive farther. Mother and daughter hold each other for strength as they quietly cry into each other’s hair, the weight of all that has happened in the last few days finally crashing down. 

Lexa stays silent in the front seat, giving both Abby and Clarke their space. She hasn’t broken down yet, not even when they first heard the news after arriving at the hospital a week ago. Was that really just a week ago, Lexa thinks to herself, it seems like such a long time ago. Although she has allowed herself to let a few tears fall, she hasn’t really allowed herself to feel the weight of this loss. She is certain that Clarke, Abby, Raven, and everyone else, will need someone to be strong, someone who can hold the pieces together. She has to be that someone for everyone, because she knows, no one else will. 

Abby insists that they drop her off at her place, assuring both Clarke and Lexa that she’ll be okay and she just needs to sleep. Lexa moves to the back seat to sit beside Clarke after they leave Abby, and pulls Clarke in closer when the blonde immediately moves to her side. The car ride isn’t that long, and pretty soon she is helping Clarke back into the apartment and steering her towards the shower. 

“You need to take a hot shower, Clarke. You got drenched in the rain. Okay?” Lexa says as she turns on the water, the steam slowly filling up the bathroom. She can feel Clarke shivering already from all the wet clothes. 

“He’s… Lexa he’s gone.” Clarke chokes out, unable to control the sobs. Her knees are week and she suddenly feels incredibly dizzy. Her wet clothes stick to her skin, and as her anxiety builds, it make her feel like she’s choking. “I can’t – I can’t breathe.” She says in between her rapid breaths, hands grasping at her shirt, at her coat, attempting to rid herself of her clothes that now feel like they are shrinking, as if they are constricting her movements, constricting her breathing. 

Lexa immediately moves to stand behind Clarke, holding down her arms to her sides as she settles her chin on Clarke’s shoulder. 

“Shhh, Clarke. Focus. Listen to me. It’s me. It’s Lexa.” 

“I can’t – ”

“I know. Just. Listen to my breathing.” 

Clarke’s breathing remains erratic, her arms still trying to free themselves from Lexa’s hold. 

“Clarke.” Lexa says more firmly, tightening her hold. “Listen to my breathing.” 

Lexa takes a deep breath in, and slowly lets it out. 

“Come on, Clarke.” She coaxes when she notices Clarke hasn’t mimicked her yet. “I’m right here, Clarke.” She presses her fingers down onto Clarke’s arms. 

“Do you feel me?” 

“Yes.” Clarke says before she attempts to take a deep breath. 

“Good. What do you feel?” 

“Yo- your hands. They’re pressing down onto my arms.” Clarke says, as she takes another deep breath. 

“Good. Take a deep breath with me, okay?” 

Clarke does, and she visibly relaxes, her breathing now much calmer. She sinks into Lexa’s arms that hold her up, throwing her head back onto Lexa’s shoulder as she takes another deep breath. 

“Thank you.” 

Lexa plants a small kiss to her shoulder. “Let’s get you warm, okay?” 

Lexa is about to untangle herself, but she feels Clarke hold her in place. “Okay, Clarke.” She says, understanding the small gesture. 

Still holding Clarke from behind, she takes small steps, guiding the blonde into the tub. They stand under the hot shower for a while, Lexa holding Clarke, before Lexa let’s go and removes Clarke’s jacket. She unzips Clarke’s dress and helps the blonde as she slowly steps out of it. The tub is slowly filling with water. 

She turns Clarke to face her, pushing wet strands of hair from Clarke’s face behind her ear. She rubs her thumbs across her cheeks, and presses her lips onto Clarke’s forehead before sitting down in the tub, pulling Clarke with her to sit in between her legs. She unhooks the clasp of Clarke’s bra, knowing how that will help Clarke breathe better still. She makes no move to remove it fully. 

Lexa gathers shampoo in her hand and starts to massage it into Clarke’s hair. She takes her time, going through every strand, fingers gently massaging Clarke’s scalp. She can see Clarke relax, shoulders not scrunched anymore, as she continues to wash her hair. She takes her time when she hears Clarke sigh and hum softly, the motions relieving all the tension that has been kept inside. When she’s rinsed off all the shampoo, she reaches to turn the shower off, then pulls Clarke to lean against her, wrapping her arms around Clarke’s waist, and smiles to herself when she feels Clarke’s hands find hers to intertwine their fingers. 

They stay seated for a while, relishing the heat of the water they are sitting in, finding comfort in each other’s arms. There’s nothing sexual about the way they are together in this moment. Lexa is still fully clothed, Clarke now able to breathe easier after being stripped to her underwear. Lexa’s grip on Clarke’s waist never loosens, while Clarke absentmindedly rubs her thumbs against Lexa’s forearms. 

It is only when the water cools and Lexa feels Clarke slowly start to fall asleep that she moves to stand, pulling Clarke with her. She reaches for a towel and gently wraps it around Clarke as they step out of the tub. 

“Go. I’ll just get out of these, okay?” Lexa whispers to Clarke, as she motions to her soaked dress. 

“Lexa, I didn’t even realize. I’m so—”

“Hey, no.” Lexa cuts her off. “It’s okay. I’m okay. I’ll be quick, I promise.” 

Clarke sucks in a breath and nods. “Okay.” 

When Clarke steps out, Lexa lets out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding, and clamps her mouth with her hand to stifle a sob that threatens to come out. She grabs hold of the counter by the sink, head down, as she takes in a few deep and calming breaths. Shaking her head to push out the overwhelming feeling of the day, she sighs, and strips down. She grabs a towel to quickly dry herself, puts on an oversized t-shirt and heads to the bedroom. 

She finds Clarke in her own oversized t-shirt, lying on her side. She switches off the lights and makes her way to the bed. She lies down herself, slowly inching herself behind Clarke. She can see Clarke’s eyes are still wet with tears, and she hears the quiet sobs that Clarke can’t keep in anymore.

Lexa cautiously reaches out, rubbing her hand up and down Clarke’s arm. She frowns when the motion seems to make Clarke cry even harder. 

“Hey, it’s okay, Clarke, shhh. It’s me.”

Clarke continues to sob, shoulders now shaking as she lets out all her tears. 

“Lexa, I need… “ 

“What, Clarke? What do you need?” Lexa asks quietly, moving closer to Clarke, her chest is mere inches from Clarke’s back. 

“Hold me.” Clarke chokes out. “Please. I just need you to hold me.” 

Lexa can’t help the tears that fall from her own eyes as she pulls Clarke to face her, wrapping Clarke up in her arms, holding on tightly. 

“Okay, Clarke. I’m right here.” She whispers into the blonde’s hair before planting a long kiss on her head. 

Clarke responds with another sob as she buries her face further into Lexa’s neck, hands grasping tightly at Lexa’s shirt as if afraid to let go. 

Clarke hangs on to Lexa as she continues to cry, her grip only loosening when her exhaustion catches up to her. Her breathing evens out, her tears temporarily cease from flowing. She falls asleep in to the feel of Lexa’s strong arms around her, to Lexa’s soft kisses in her hair, to Lexa’s voice lulling her to sleep. “Shhh. I’m right here, Clarke. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” 

\---

Lexa wakes up shivering a little bit. She scratches at her eyes before reaching out to the side of her bed for Clarke. When she feels it’s empty, she shoots up. 

“Clarke?” She calls out softly. She doesn’t hear an answer, but as she’s about to call out again, she notices the balcony door slightly open. That’s why it’s cold, she thinks to herself. 

She pulls the blanket off the bed and wraps it around herself before walking out to the balcony where she finds Clarke, elbows on the railing, chin resting on her hands, staring out into the city. 

“Hey you.” She says, walking to stand behind Clarke, wrapping them both up in the blanket. She plants a kiss to Clarke’s temple when she feels Clarke lean into her. 

“Hey.” Clarke responds in a whisper, snuggling her back closer to Lexa as she sighs. “I can’t…” Clarke pauses, taking in deep breaths before she speaks again. Lexa waits patiently, thumb rubbing small circles on Clarke’s hand. 

“How is it that one minute, someone is so full of life… and then the next minute, they’re just… they’re just gone?” 

Lexa shakes her head before resting her chin on Clarke’s shoulder. “I don’t know. It’s always been difficult to understand, you know? Death.” 

“I didn’t think it would be. I’m a doctor. I see death every day. I’m supposed to get it.” 

“But this is different, Clarke.” 

“Cause it’s dad.” 

“Yeah. Cause it’s dad.” 

They go quiet after that, except for a few sniffles from both of them as they stay in each other’s arms, sharing the warmth that the blanket brings. The city is slowly waking up beneath them. The bell on the door of the diner across the street chimes as customers enter for breakfast, dogs are being walked, cars are being started, employees heading out for their daily commute. The world has continued to go on, life has continued for everyone else. Jake is dead. Abby, Clarke, and Lexa’s lives stopped. They stopped for a good few days because of the loss. And yet, everyone else’s lives continued as if nothing happened. And now, the day after his funeral, both Clarke and Lexa know their lives must continue. They need to press play and go back to regular programming, whether they want to or not. 

“Lex…” Clarke says, voice small and hesitant as she turns around to face Lexa. 

“Yeah, Clarke?” Lexa keeps her hands wrapped around Clarke’s waist as green eyes meet blue. 

Clarke raises her hand and gently traces Lexa’s jaw with her fingers. She still has tears in her eyes when she cups Lexa’s cheek and moves to bring their foreheads together. 

“Please don’t die? Please don’t leave me.” 

“Oh, Clarke.” Lexa whispers back. She pulls her in tighter and presses her lips onto Clarke’s forehead. “I’m here. I’m right here.” She leans her forehead against Clarke’s as her hand moves to Clarke’s cheek, slowly wiping away the tears. 

“Look at me, Clarke.” 

Clarke opens her eyes, shining with wet tears, the blue color piercing. 

“I’m right here.” Lexa says before leaning in just a bit. To her surprise, Clarke leans in as well to meet her halfway. Their kiss is slow and gentle. It is hesitant and cautious. They part for a bit, Lexa nudging her nose against Clarke’s. When she leans in for another kiss, Clarke pulls away. 

“I’m sorry.” Lexa says. 

“No, I’m sorry. It’s just.” There’s a gush of wind as she speaks and Clarke shivers. “Can we go inside?” 

“Of course.” Lexa says. With Clarke still in her arms, Lexa walks them both back to the bed, and they lie down, Lexa as the big spoon. 

“Clarke, I’m sorry about the kiss…” Lexa starts after a few minutes of silence. 

“Lex, it’s okay.” 

Lexa shakes her head against Clarke’s hair. “Sorry. It just. It felt right.” 

“It did.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah.” 

“But?”

“No buts. It’s just. It’s been a rough couple of weeks. And we’re both so emotional, so vulnerable, that I don’t think now is the right time to decide anything. I love you, Lexa. Okay? And I want to be with you so bad. But when we get together, I want it to be because I’m so overwhelmed with my feelings for you, and you know, not overwhelmed with everything that’s happened with dad.” 

Lexa is silent for a long time that Clarke starts to worry. Before she speaks, however, Lexa beats her to it. 

“Okay.” 

“Okay?” 

“Yeah, okay.” 

“You’re not mad?” 

“No. I’m frustrated at how timing always sucks.” Lexa gives out a small laugh. “But I get it, and I get where you’re coming from. You’re right, Clarke. I hope you didn’t think I was taking advantage…” Lexa says. 

“No, of course not. I would never. I meant what I said earlier. It felt right to me too.” 

“Okay.” 

“Okay.” Clarke responds, stifling a yawn. Lexa chuckles and buries her face into Clarke’s hair. “Sleep, Clarke. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I know I’m going to be here when you wake up.” 

“Promise?” 

“I’m not going anywhere.” Lexa says, planting another long kiss to the back of Clarke’s neck. 

There’s a small smile on Clarke’s face as she pulls Lexa’s arms closer around her waist and shuffles further into Lexa’s embrace. 

Clarke is drifting off when she hears Lexa speak in a whisper. “I love you, Clarke. You know that right?” 

“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I mentioned earlier I went through some difficult shit the last few weeks, which I think is why I couldn't help myself but take this direction in the fic with Jake and everything. I guess just a heads up, the ending to this chapter has an optimistic feel, but we're still in for some angst moving forward. 
> 
> Deciding to if I want to end this soon, then start a sequel -- let me know what you guys think! 
> 
> As always, your comments and your kudos will be much appreciated, and they really help me when I start writing! Hit me up on tumblr at our-reckless-wild-youth.tumblr.com so we can chat! 
> 
> Love to you all!


End file.
